What should I think ? [...] And now I'm insulted !!!

Wow, twist ending.

I'm gonna pretty much echo what Dad says, but maybe with a bit of a different spin. Fred, just keep in mind here, Dad and I are both about 15 years your senior or so.

You are both really young. And three years is a long term relationship for people that age, quite atypical. Not to say It can't work over the rest of your life, just that the odds are kind of against it. (My younger brother is an exception--married at 20 and quite happy with four kids and the same wife he dated in high school).

It's of course impossible not to feel a deep personal sense of loss when a long term relationship like this dissolves. You wouldn't be human if you didn't. And while Dad's advice may sound kind of clod (and I know you didn't want to hear it), the essential kernel of truth in it remains. You are mighty young (assuming I did the math correctly) and she's even younger, to be making a decision that may affect your entire life. You lack the perspective on these things that you'll get by being older. At the same time, you should savor the emotion, even the pain, because the day could well come when you need the memory of it.

Your last post contained this grenade with the pin removed:

I can possibly give you the benefit of my having acquired that life perspective in this situation. The most likely outcome here is as follows: your routine as a couple is completely broken by this change, and you'll each need to establish new routines. Her episode with the friend-of-a-friend earlier was a pretty natural thing to try for someone that age. And now she's in the context of not having a constant reminder of you. I would absolutely expect it to happen again. I almost feel bad being a stark realist like this, btut in this situation, you need a different perspective.

If she was 16 when you got together, she absolutely has to be wondering about what its like to be with other people. And that an itch that will get scratched. I guess my perspective is that its better for all concerned for her to scratch that itch now, even though it causes you a great pain. If it went on and you were to get married say, it's really likely that the itch would still get scratched, only you have a lot more invested--kids, house, pets, etc. And if you think it's painful now, it's far worse with your children involved in that mix.

Mr.Biggs had some good advice that's worth repeating--don't put her in the driver's seat. And don't exchange angry words. But you're far better off letting go. If you try to exert control over her while she's away at uni trying to experience life as an adult individual for the first time, she'll ultimately just end up resenting you for it. And it's really not right to try to deny her the experience, especially if you love her. You are better off letting her go. It's much more visible to outside observers that it is to you, I'm sure, but clinging desperately to her will result in more anguish for you than letting go.

Good luck.

 

linear, you say that there's an itch that needs to be scratched of being with various people when you're young. Personally I've never had this itch. I don't know if you've read my earlier post in this thread but I'd give anything to be back with my gf and I really don't care never being with anyone else.

Maybe it's a female thing, I don't know? I'm just curious.

 

Well spoken Linear...

Clod you say!?

NiHiLiST: Not everyone gets that "itch". I never really had it either when I was young, but I know many who have. It very well could be a female thing. I'm not a biologist or any "ist", but maybe something that has to do with evolution...

I still say to let her go. She's off to a new live at college/Uni soon where she will meet tons of new people. There's nothing that says that if the feelings are still there when she gets out that you can't get back togeather.

Again... If you love her, let her go. If she comes back to you, she's your's. If she doesn't, she never was...

 

That's what I thought about, after talking to her on Sunday morning after the club tour ... I drove quite a long time through the country side and thought about it all. Of course she has that itch and us both studying in Cologne - her at uni and me at the uni of applied sciences - will not make that go away. I`m over the point where it hurts, because I've realized that we both need to meet other people and satisfy our curiosity. It really did hurt at the beginning, as this thread proves, but I've had time to think about it, had so many people here give advice and I observed her, how she acted when we spent time together. I know it will happen again. Noone can stop it from happening and I wouldn't want to hog-tie her to me. Loveing means letting go ... even if it hurts. I know that now. If she want's to go, she can and she knows it. But atm she wants to stay together with me. As I said I'll savour every second with her and even if we break up sooner or later we will still be best friends, I know it can work out. We both need to experience other people, of course, everyone has to, with a few exeptions ( happy *******s ) hehe ...

What ever happens I'll keep this thread alive from time to time. I just want her to be happy and she knows that. She said she wants the same for me aswell. The special thing about us, is that we do not argue, we don't exchange bad words, we talk about everything, we understand each other and I think that's something very special not everyone has.

In any case it will be over in forseeable time. But I don't mind anymore ... I'm spending every second as if it were the last and it's a fantastic feeling, knowing you can let go, but also enjoying the others presense.

Cheers for everything people, if you ever come over, give me post and I'll invite you to a drink in Cologne - I mean it !

Yours

Fred

 

Good to hear you're doing so well Fred

 

My brain typed cold, my fingers didn't cooperate.

 

/me thinks linears been polishing the whiskey cabinet again...

 

Only just read the whole thread, but I'm glad to hear you're ok and taking a sensible perspective on everything.
I have to agree with the oldies () that you are still really young.

Maybe to give a little female perspective on things though -
When I was 16, I was with someone who I loved and got on with well etc, but it was at a time where we were both still changing and developing as people a lot, as most people do then. We were moving away from each other in our lives, but I didn't want to loose the stability he gave me so I stayed with him for 2 months after I realised we shouldn't be together, because I wanted someone there for me. Now, 3 years later, we are completely different people.

My point being that since you first got together, she will have changed a LOT. Maybe not in a way easy to recognise at first, but it will have happened. Now, it's possible that she has changed, but that she can still be madly in love with you. However, the not knowing how she feels could also be part of the fact she is still growing up.
I've never really wanted to know what it's like with someone else, however a lot of people who have been in relationships for a long time do look elsewhere, and as soon as they do it, they either realise they shouldn't be with anyone, or they love the person they are with and it's all a stupid mistake.

It's a good thing you've given her another chance. Don't give her a third. Once is curiosity after a long time of nothing new, twice... ithere is something wrong. Just make sure you are honest with each other with everything you do.
If she wants to stay friends with this guy, then maybe it would be easier on you if you met him if he comes to visit - that way you'll be able to see how he acts round her and he'll feel more umcomfortable making any moves on her if he sees how nice the boyfriend is It could also make you feel a lot better about leaving her alone with him.


umm... sorry for the long post

 

I won`t ... if it happens again, which I think it might, then it`s over. Point. No third chance, nothing. We can stay best friends, no problem, but I`m not an idiot you can play as often as you like ...

I`d like to meet him and told my gf so. She wasn`t comfortable with the thought because she thinks I might do something to him ... which of course, I admit, I wanted to in the beginning. I just want to see what he`s like now, meet him, see how he acts around her, with me present ... I`d be a liar if I said there would be absolutly no possibility of me doing harm to him. Although I do think of myself of being able to let go, I don`t think I could tolerate that person makeing a move on my STILL gf. I`m not an aggeressive person but that would be too much and blow the cap. In any case I might have the possibility of meeting him, as he told my gf he`d be comeing to Cologne sometime early 2004 ... but that`s too long for me to plan - I might not even be together with her anymore then. But I know I`d still be friends with her, best friends I hope and I`d try to arrang a meeting, but that would be up to her I guess - I would defenetly NOT spy after her ... that`d be low ... Oh well ...

Life goes on doesn`t it ? maybe I`ll meet someone in due time and I`ll think totally different then who knows ? Maybe it`ll all be over tommorrow ? I`ll see ... she`s not the only one on this planet is she ? Although I must admit in this very moment I`d like our relationship to go on forever, but what are my chances ? Pretty low eh ? Hehe ... as long as we stay best friends and she doesn`t quit haveing contact with me, I suppose it`ll be o.k. ...

Cheers

Fred

 

Not to throw darts at your last baloon, but if you do break up finally with her, don't be set on being best friends. From experience, you will not be best friends. She will not really want anything to do with you. Not because you are bad, or anything that you might do, But because of her. I have had 3 long term relationships that ended nearly ditto of what you have written about. Everyone of them was my best friend, and was going to be my best friend after we broke up. I haven't even talked to or seen or heard from ANY of them in the last 4-5 years. So while you are best friends now, it may not always be. Make sure you make a clean break if this doesn't work out. No good can come of this.

 

I agree with Pflumingo on this. You may want or try to be friends, but it won't work. There will be too much emotion involved including jelousy and anger (2 lethal combinations) which you may say won't happen, but trust me on this, eventhough the emotions might not be on the surface, they will be there.

I won`t ... if it happens again, which I think it might, then it`s over. Point. No third chance, nothing.

You believe this will happen again? Why play with your and eventually her emotions by staying togeather? With this one little statement, you're telling us that you don't trust her which will eat you up inside. I've been there with my x-wife. I know what you will go through. I tried to stick it out and did for a few years, but in the end there was no trust between us and we knew it was over. I know that is opposite of what I'm suggesting you do, but I had a more vested interest in staying with her - we were married and we had two kids togeather. The longer you stay togeather, the harder and more painfull it will be to split. I've said it before, your young, she's young, the odds are seriously stacked against you, she's going off to college, if you don't trust her, break it off soon before your emotions eat you up inside.

 

I wish I was as together as you lot about relationships! My head's still completely screwed up from what happened to me (read earlier in this thread if you want to know). I'm still friends with my ex but I think in the long term we won't be. At the moment though it's helping a lot.

Does anyone else think that long-term relationships aren't worth the hassle?

 

Long-term relationships are worth the hassle, provided you find the right person. That's the trouble, though. You're opening yourself up to pain, possibly lots of pain. You feel like you're in a tunnel. You get sick of it and think it's not worth it until it all clicks into place. The advice from the 'age-enhanced' members is solid advice, though. They've seen if from the other end of the tunnel.

 

I have to disagree with Pflumingo & Dad on this one. I'm friends with all but one of my X's. In fact, until very recently I was best friends with one of them. They were all my friends before we got together so after a bit of avoidance (a couple of months usually) we got back to being friends again. Some people think it's pretty weird that me and one of my X's get on so well now, as we were THE most violent couple around at one point. We've grown up a lot though, there was something that kept us together for 3 odd years and now it means we can laugh at the same things. Much better being friends with him than in a relationship with the cheating little blighter

Going back a bit, can I just point out that it's really common for people to fall out of love. I read a lot of "if she hasn't worked out how she feels about you in 3 years she never will" kind of thing. I was thinking maybe she did love him and then you just get into more of a habit relationship. Sometimes things happen and you end up in a situation that makes you realise you're not in love anymore and it can be scary! Then people tend to try and get dumped by the other person so they don't have to deal with it....

Fred, it sounds to me like you already know it's over and you're just hoping you can drift apart slowly. If you can deal with it that way it may work out for you and hurt less. You may even stay friends if it goes that way. Even when you drift apart it hurts, but if you already have a life of your own that doesn't depend on the other person it's easier to carry on.

I hope everything works out for you

 

hex, Speaking as the guy that's been in your Ex-Boyfriend's position, He isn't trying to be your friend, He is trying to be your lover on the side or whatever, but playing it cool so you don't notice.

It would be great if you could still be friends, but In my experience, it doesn't work well that way. I stayed friends with my last ex for a while, even went to Woodstock '99 together 2 months after breaking up (cheating bitch) but it ended up we drifted, and I don't even know if she's married, or has kids or is even alive now(twofaced whore).

But I'm not bitter...

 

OK, that made me laugh so much I've just had to pick myself off the carpet. There is no way in HELL any of my X's (barring perhaps the one I'm not friends with) are trying to be my "lover". Jeez... that's just so wrong on so many levels.

No way, sorry it's not like that. We're good friends. but we tried being a couple, it didn't work out so friendship is much better. To be honest, the relationship I have now with most of my X's is a kind of brother/sister thing. Honestly, it is possible to be friends and want nothing more.

 

Agreed, it is possable to be friends after a breakup, but in my experience if there's a lot of anger and hurt that caused to breakup, it's highly unlikely that a friendship will last.

 

She really did love me. But I know I became too sure of her and started to get boring myself, stay at home often, had no ideas what to do on a friday evening, you know, just plain boring. I wasn't like at all when we came together ... party every second day, always out in the clubs, wild life ... I used to make her laugh every time we saw each other, I used to be able to make her happy, no matter what problem she had and I always had an idea of what we could do.

That changed, because I had to go to the army, I dropped out of school because my parents broke up and I wasn't able to cope with it at the time, I had to move out from home, because my dad had to sell the house to pay off debts and I had to catch up on my highschool degree in order to start studying ... well, that kindof took the life out of me, but she never said a word. I didn't notice it until it was too late and now I've realized that aswell. That'll change though. And if we do break up, then it won't be in anger or hate - I know that - I feel it.

All in all I really do think we can stay friends, because we get along so well with one another. I know it would be weird at the beginning if we have new partners but I don't think that would interfere. Only time can tell what will happen in the end I guess.

But atm I'm happy again, so is she. A break up won't hurt as much as this did, that's one thing I can really say without a bad conscience.

The advice given by all people here was sound advice, knowledge gained by self experience. I know at the time, it might have been the best to follow that advice, but I must admit that I hate to give up - anything. I must have a rather big masochist side I guess ... hehe. It'll work out, in one way or another, if we're meant to be a pair, then o.k. if we're meant to be friends, it's o.k. It was a nice time and I think we'll both remember it with joy should it not work out ... but I'm living for the moment right now ... everything too far away just doesn't count now. We'll see what happens

Cheers

Fred

 

Tonight something weird happend. I had three dreams in a row and I can remember every one of them. They were all about my gf ....

First one was we were at uni both in the same lecture but not sitting beside each other but she was one row behind me. I wanted to talk to her and sit next to her, but she was more busy with the people to her left and right and didn't really take any notice of me ...

Second one was we all wanted to go to party with lots of people and said we'd meet at a friends house. I went to foot and on the way I saw a white VW Bus drive past with all my friends and my gf in it on the way to the house but it didn't stop to pick me up. When I arrived at the house, the guys were downstairs at the table and the girls were all upstairs. So I went up to look for my gf and she was under the shower, washing her hair ... with clothes on, but they were totally dry. Then I noticed she had done something to her clothes - she had painted tribals on her pants and shirt ... she came out of the shower and sat next to me and asked me if I liked them and I just asked if her mother wouldn't kill her for it ? She said no, I shouldn't worry and went back to her girlfriends ...

Third one was she was at uni in a lecture and I arrived a bit later so I sat behind her. She hadn't noticed me, so I started throughing little bread crumbs at her which she did notice but she never looked back. At the end of the lecture, we were all of sudden in the uni kitchen, cleaning the cutlery and she was complaining about me throughing those crumbs because now we had to clean it all up ...

That was really weird. I've never dreamt something like that, and I've never remembered every single dream I've had in a night. I woke up pretty sad somehow at 7 and just had to send my gf an sms in which I told her that I had some stupid dreams and that I'd really love to hold her in my arms right now and that I was very very fond of her.

She wrote me back saying I shouldn't think about it and that she also was very very fond of me and sent me a kiss to go along with it ...

Really weird stuff ... We're meeting today in our lunch break and spending a few hours together, maybe I'll even go to a lecture of hers with her, I don't know yet. Arrrggghhh I hate dreams ... they always tell you something but you never really know !

Cheers

Fred

 

I really just suppose its how the relationship was going on during the period of dating. If we broke up mutual then I would be planning on being friends. If we broke up angrily then I would assume it would be much harder to have a friendship.



Also me thinks we need a psychatrist(sp?) forum ^_^