This post contains talk about mental heath and suicide, if this is going to trigger you please stop reading now. Where to begin. (I'm 36 now) I've been struggling for a long time, mentally, physically, it just seemed like I'd get my physical health to start improving and then BOOM hit with something else. Diagnosed with RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis) in my late 20's, I couldn't make a fist, walk upstairs, lift a cup to my face I was a mess. Years of meds / stress and I was finally on meds that worked, but the mental damage had already been done, stomach issues, then I ended up really ill and had to have my gallbladder removed. There's loads of stuff I've been bottling up for 20+ years and it all came to ahead on the 21st Jan 2024 when I made an attempt to take my own life, my wife and I had just separated, been together 18 years, married for 10, have a little girl who's 3 and it was all too much to deal with on top of what I was already struggling with. I left the house, hid somewhere and proceeded to slice my wrists open, 3 times on each arm. I wasn't bleeding out fast enough so I thought maybe this wasn't my time to go, I found a member of the public who called the police and a police officer saved my life. I have completely severed tendons in my wrists, and partially severed others. I have had surgery to repair the damage that I did physically and I'm under the mental health team for the mental health side. I've been going to Andy's Man Club group meetings every Monday night 7pm-9pm just to be surrounded by other people who aren't having a great time, to know you're not alone in it and others are struggling too, that and the social side of it. I have met VERY close friends online (two of which are BT members) but they live in London so it's nice to be able to see others physically. I'm trying to recover physically and mentally, I am surrounded by people who are trying to help, and others that..aren't. I'm suffering from survivors guilt, I have people angry at me which is understandable...but I'm still alive and facing that. On a more positive note, I am seeing my little girl twice a week at the moment and I just signed a 2 year lease on a unit to run my businesses out of to try and have a fresh start in life, I should have done it 10+ years ago but I didn't. I'll answer any questions I can, I've nothing to hide. But some of you guys on here have treated me very well over the years, we've had a laugh and I do value the BT community its not something that's easy to find so I figured I'd come clean and let you guys know why I sort of vanished. Andy / modd1uk
Andy, Just know you are never alone mate. I too have been through some trauma recently and so can relate somewhat. If you ever want to reach out.. meet up and go for a natter - just message me. Always happy to do so! oh.. and snap - also 36
As Mojo said, you are not alone, not here - there's not one of us that would judge you. I gotta say I'm glad your attempt was unsuccessful, because life is precious even if it's unbearable; there's always a way out, and I hope you keep building on the support you've already found.
I echo the above, and I hope you feel really proud of posting that - we all struggle sometimes, and you've nothing to be ashamed of. I'm glad you're working to get yourself in a better place, and I hope you're around and posting for a long time to come!
I probably understand better than most what it's like to get to the stage where death seems the only option. When I was 27 I tried and, very nearly succeeded, in killing myself but, someone found me before it was too late. Paracetamol then car exhaust in my case. I'm not much good at empathy but, message if you want to. It was hard at first to come to terms with still being around but, it gets easier over time. I still get bad spells but, my wife keeps me going. You might not think so at the moment but, in time a woman who understands who you are, how you are and, accepts you as you are, could be what you need. Took me 9 years to find that woman. At 59 I'm still here and she has kept me alive. I don't think she realises just how much I appreciate that, not least because I am not good at showing it. BTW, I wasn't looking for anyone, it was a chance encounter in something called Worlds.com in 1999.
I don't think I can add anything that's not been said, just know people you've never met are willing you the best and hope as @Gareth Halfacree said you're proud of yourself for coming on here and posting as you have.
I think my 30s were the worst years of my life. In fact, I don't think it, I know it. Seems like it is the perfect time for your life to take a crap on you. It's not all been a bed of roses since mind, but I am glad I stuck around.
Really sorry to hear this, and glad you're doing better! I tried to do similar in my mid 20's, mine was a combination of things but mainly blaming myself for my mums death, even though it wasn't my fault at all! Brains have a horrible habit of turning on you! I'm now really open about my mental health, I'm always chatting to people about it at work, as my neurochemicals have a regular rythim to them which means I'm basically always depressed on Wednesday! The two rules I live by now are keep yourself occupied and always look forwards, dwelling on looking backwards is alway unhealthy!
This sounds so familiar it's frightening. Must be an Andy thing. Late last year I had to refer myself because I was so depressed I was on the edge of killing myself. So glad you're still with us. Sounds like you're getting a lot of help already, but if you want I can forward you all the stuff I've been sent. There's an app called 'fear tools' I've been using, mostly for the thought diary which gets you to challenge your thought process, but it has a bunch of other stuff. Thank you for sharing. There may be more people here going through the same kind of thing, and if you are, reach out. Talk to us, talk to someone, anyone at all. Please just talk. It will get better. PDF on How to cope with suicidal thoughts Sane A charity offering emotional support and information to anyone affected by mental illness. This includes family, friends and carers. Telephone: 0300 304 7000 (4.30pm to 10.30pm daily) Textline: available through their website Website: www.sane.org.uk Samaritans A charity that offers emotional support for people who are distressed. Local branches offer telephone support and sometimes face to face support. Telephone: 116 123 (24 hours a day, 7 days a week) Address: Chris, Freepost RSRB-KKBY-CYJK, PO Box 9090, Stirling, FK8 2SA Email: jo@samaritans.org Website: www.samaritans.org Shout A charity that provides support if you’re experiencing a personal crisis and are unable to cope. Text: text shout to 85258 support line offers confidential emotional support by telephone, email and post. Telephone: 01708 765200 (hours vary, ring them for details) Address: SupportLine, PO Box 2860, Romford, Essex RM7 1JA E-mail: info@supportline.org.uk Website: www.supportline.org.uk/ PAPYRUS Charity that offer emotional support to people under 35 who are suicidal. They can also support people who are concerned about someone under 35 who might be suicidal. Telephone: 0800 068 41 41 (Monday to Friday 9am - 10pm. Weekends and bank holidays 2pm - 10pm) Text: 07786 209697 Email: pat@papyrus-uk.org Website: www.papyrus-uk.org C.A.L.M. (Campaign Against Living Miserably) A charity that offers emotional support, advice and information to men who are feeling suicidal and their families. Telephone for outside London: 0800 58 58 58(5pm – midnight, every day of the year) Telephone for inside London: 0808 802 5858 (5pm – midnight, every day of the year) Webchat: through the website Website: www.thecalmzone.net Switchboard Switchboard gives practical and emotional support for people in the LGBT+ community. Telephone: 0300 330 0630 (10am – 10pm every day) E-mail: chris@switchboard.lgbt Webchat: through the website Website: www.switchboard.lgbt The Mix A charity offering support to people under 25. They also offer telephone counselling, webchat and crisis text. Telephone: 0808 808 4994 (4pm – 11pm every day) Crisis support: text THEMIX to 85258 for crisis support (24 hours a day, every day) E-mail: through the website Telephone Counselling: through the website Webchat: 1 to 1 chat service through the website Website: www.themix.org.uk
Just to add to @The_Crapman’s post, MIND are very helpful too. Helped me a few years back. There is likely to be a local branch you could contact, should you feel the need to do so. https://www.mind.org.uk/
I can totally vouch for MIND. They were amazing. In fact, I would not be where I am now if it were not for them. It was them that found the trust I now live with.
Just wanted to say that its great that your talking about it, and sorry for what your going through, i was quite ignorant of the talking about things, and never realised how much keeping everything in didnt help, not talking to people didn't help, and never spoke about things. I didn't attend any of the ones mentioned above, I went for therapy, i was listening to some podcast and there was some offer for it, and i happened to google it one day. I was better help, everyone seems to have a different experience with it, I had several sessions for how to help give me the tools to manage my day to day life without breakdowns, anxiety attacks, and just generally loosing control with anger, or drink and other items. One of those sessions spoke about talking with close friends about it, someone other than my therapist, funny how when you tell your close group of friends how many people you can relate further to. Friends who have had attempts, how many were on antianxiety or depression medications, and other similar items. Your not alone in the way you have felt, not sure if it will help any but i use apps like blissful, fear tools and happify to help, i take 15 mins around lunch and at night to fill it out, it helps me reflect on my feelings, my day, track my moods and more, without it being overwhelming.
