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Old 11th Jan 2013, 20:42   #21
LennyRhys
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Speechless, Kayin, but moved and encouraged by your unwavering trust and hope in the Good Shepherd.
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Old 11th Jan 2013, 23:11   #22
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Kayin,

I can't express my utmost sympathy and thoughts for you and you family at this time. Unfortunately I see and experience your situation on a regular basis, although exact circumstances may change, but every time it breaks my heart to pieces.

I wish I could stand by your side, and at the graveside of your son, as I do for every patient that I see who passes from this mortal realm. Alas, I cannot, but my thoughts are with you and your family, and I wish you all the very best.
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Old 12th Jan 2013, 00:52   #23
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Os meus pesames.

He is in a better place.
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Old 12th Jan 2013, 23:15   #24
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Originally Posted by Tomhyde1986 View Post
That's one of the most inspiring, thought provoking and frankly amazing forum posts I've ever read and probably will ever read. Those photos are wonderful too.

"Nobody is ever gone who lives on in happy memories". I think that says my thoughts better than anything I could come up with.

Suddenly all the things that are anoying me or winding me up on a daily basis in my life fade into utter insignificance.

You and your family are in my thoughts.
He put it better than I ever could. You and your family are in my thoughts.
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Old 13th Jan 2013, 00:41   #25
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Jeez, it's an incredible deck of cards you've been dealt Kayin. Peace be with you.
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Old 13th Jan 2013, 12:19   #26
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It's the saddest thing when a parent has to bury their child. It's goes against the natural order of things.

My condolences to you.
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Old 13th Jan 2013, 14:01   #27
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Such a beautiful boy.

Take pride in what you gave him and he gave you in your short time together.

Take care, K.
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Old 13th Jan 2013, 14:21   #28
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Damn, that's a sad read, but uplifting in a way. I'm glad that with the deck stacked against you and your son, he found happiness and that you're outlook is as positive as it seems.
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Old 13th Jan 2013, 16:32   #29
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What lovely words for your very beautiful son which brought floods of tears to my eyes for your words and the memories of my little nephew who wasn't even a few days old. My entire families most sincere thoughts are with you at this time.
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Old 13th Jan 2013, 20:56   #30
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I don't really ever know the words to say Kayin, but you words bought a tear to my eye you really are a good man and I don't know how you deal with all this you bring me inspiration to deal with my own problems, my thoughts are with you...

take care man

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Old 13th Jan 2013, 22:04   #31
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I cannot imagine what you were felling, and now are. I had high hopes that he would live to be a teenager, despite all odds. Sort of like the fastest woman who almost lost her legs, I'd hoped your son would become one of the smartest of his generation.

However, I have special comfort in knowing that your son's time was short. A short-lived beacon to remind us how fragile life really is, that what we argue about is trivial in the grand scheme of things.

Snort, even though I never met you, I will miss you 'til I see you again.


God be with you. With you and your family. Until we meet again.
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Old 14th Jan 2013, 11:38   #32
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God bless you mate.
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Old 14th Jan 2013, 12:59   #33
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My thoughts are with you and yours. Thank you for sharing this, such an amazing little boy - he looked so happy, as a father myself those words and expressions you used touched me.

Ben
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Old 14th Jan 2013, 14:00   #34
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I never had to bury a child, as I don't have any myself. However I burried way too many friends of mine, when they were just too young to die, so I feel your pain.

Talking to people about it and writing down your thoughts is a good way to deal with your feelings and it is a good way to keep your little son remembered.

My sincerest condolences to you and your family.
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Old 14th Jan 2013, 14:25   #35
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I know it probably means little but I really feel for you and I hope your beautiful son visits you often in your thoughts and dreams as i'm sure he does. I was God's plan for him to only be here for a brief moment to remind us all how precious life is and how much one little person can effect us so much with unconditional love. There are a few bright spots non the less (and I'm not usually one for those) but for a short time he brought love and joy in to both your lives, his suffering has ended, and now he is in a much better place with God watching over you both. I have a suggestion for you, But now is not the time please PM me with a portion of this message when the pain eases a bit and I will make it. I wish the best for you and your family in this time of need, and I will pray for you tonight as I know he is safe in Heaven.
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Old 14th Jan 2013, 17:27   #36
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reading what you wrote made me cry, im so sorry for your loss my condolences to you and you partner. I cant even imagine the pain you must be going through but for its worth we the bit-tech community are here for you.

God bless you Kayin you son is in heaven smiling down on you
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Old 15th Jan 2013, 00:55   #37
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I am so very sorry for your loss Kayin
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Old 10th Feb 2013, 03:54   #38
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We've received all the PMs, read the well wishes, and I wanted to say a bit a month out, so people knew we were (somewhat) OK.

Except well, we're not. I don't think it ever gets OK, but you learn how to pick up and go on. We've both had some spectacular breakdowns. And if you think men don't cry, well, you haven't given them a good enough reason. I didn't just cry, I flipped out, tried to put my fist through an insulated steel door, kicked over half my work area, the works. Hand is fine, I know way too much about how to throw a punch, but the workstation didn't survive so well. Still putting stuff back together on that. But I'm only human, and I will screw things up, and I will get upset, and even I have a point when enough is enough.

I'm sure many people wonder (even if they don't ask) if I blamed God for this. And even if you didn't ask, you deserve an answer. No apologies if it's not a neat and easy one-any proper question worth asking never has a simple answer.

I don't blame God for taking my son, as sick as he was. He needed freedom from the pain-and I can't even begin to imagine how bad it was. I walk around with three breaks in my back-but his spine was bent 90 degrees. His organs were crushing his lungs and heart at the end, and nothing they did could get them through that kind of injury. Had he not gotten sick, it could have happened at any time anyway, and imagine holding your dying son in the floor of your house as you hoped an ambulance would get there on time and he wouldn't die in it on the way to a hospital. We were spared that. We knew he had what pain control they could give him, they had done everything medically possible, and we sat and held him as he passed. It was simply his time.

But I did scream at the sky about something else. I wanted to know why we, who were supposed to be completely sterile and who fought so hard and sacrificed everything for our son had to endure this while there were people who didn't care anything about their children had healthy children that never really seemed to come to harm from their great stupidity. And I don't have an answer. Instead, I have a grave plot I visit when I can stand it. I have my son's favorite stuffed animal. And I have more pain than it should be possible to endure, but I do not die from it, though I begged to. I begged to join him, if God wouldn't take me instead. God did not. My beautiful son is dead, and I have to watch these idiots every day mistreat their kids and take them for granted. And that is the meaning of hell, I think.

In the end, do I think that his death was God's will? Yes. And I think that it was a release for him, and that his little heart must have prayed for it. And God honored that prayer over mine, because his need was bigger than mine. And I do not blame God for it-I still have the memories, but I knew he could not live long. Each of us has a lot in life, and it is up to us how we use it, because none of us are promised tomorrow. His tomorrows ran out, so shall mine. So shall yours. And one day, I'll do it tomorrow will go undone for all of us. This is Asher's lesson-there is no time. Don't procrastinate, but live life to the fullest-for it is gone in an instant, a candle's brief flicker and gone.

We found it fitting that it rained for ten days straight when Asher died. It's as though Heaven was sad for us. It gets us through. There are really no words, no way to express this hellish emptiness, just a long, gibbering howl of sorrow. I'm lucky I have five acres to disappear into when those times come. It's not as often as before, but they still come. As I suspect they always will. And I have not given in to madness, but I think this must be what it's like.

We are not isolating ourselves, so nobody worries. We've made plans to attend church for the first time since his death tomorrow, at a small place near the house that if we slip out because we can't stand it any more they won't mind. With this the week of Mardi Gras, while we don't party we observe Lent, so we'll be out for Ash Wednesday services. We haven't give up completely on humanity. But even as a counselor I had no idea at all how hard it would be.

I believe he's truly at peace. And that is what actually matters. If I'm sad, so be it. If it hurts me, oh well. My son's health, safety and happiness have always been my prime concern, and my own state an afterthought. But I think about how he left us, with the biggest smile I'd ever seen on his face, as if he saw someone he had been expecting for a long time. I know it couldn't be us, the anoxic episode had blinded him. I saw my son see Heaven, and that's all the proof I'll ever need. This is the truth I hold on to in the long watches of the night. It is a hard truth, but beautiful. I don't blame God because I saw him take my son home. Call me a fool if you like, but at least I can endure because of it.

The PMs, the well wishes, we have seen it all and we thank you. We are learning to live all over again, and your support is more a help than you think. Even though he's gone, he still manages to touch our lives. This truly is the power of love, and I am thankful that this wretch got to see it.
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Old 15th Feb 2013, 16:36   #39
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Originally Posted by KayinBlack View Post
We've received all the PMs, read the well wishes, and I wanted to say a bit a month out, so people knew we were (somewhat) OK.

Except well, we're not. I don't think it ever gets OK, but you learn how to pick up and go on. We've both had some spectacular breakdowns. And if you think men don't cry, well, you haven't given them a good enough reason. I didn't just cry, I flipped out, tried to put my fist through an insulated steel door, kicked over half my work area, the works. Hand is fine, I know way too much about how to throw a punch, but the workstation didn't survive so well. Still putting stuff back together on that. But I'm only human, and I will screw things up, and I will get upset, and even I have a point when enough is enough.

I'm sure many people wonder (even if they don't ask) if I blamed God for this. And even if you didn't ask, you deserve an answer. No apologies if it's not a neat and easy one-any proper question worth asking never has a simple answer.

I don't blame God for taking my son, as sick as he was. He needed freedom from the pain-and I can't even begin to imagine how bad it was. I walk around with three breaks in my back-but his spine was bent 90 degrees. His organs were crushing his lungs and heart at the end, and nothing they did could get them through that kind of injury. Had he not gotten sick, it could have happened at any time anyway, and imagine holding your dying son in the floor of your house as you hoped an ambulance would get there on time and he wouldn't die in it on the way to a hospital. We were spared that. We knew he had what pain control they could give him, they had done everything medically possible, and we sat and held him as he passed. It was simply his time.

But I did scream at the sky about something else. I wanted to know why we, who were supposed to be completely sterile and who fought so hard and sacrificed everything for our son had to endure this while there were people who didn't care anything about their children had healthy children that never really seemed to come to harm from their great stupidity. And I don't have an answer. Instead, I have a grave plot I visit when I can stand it. I have my son's favorite stuffed animal. And I have more pain than it should be possible to endure, but I do not die from it, though I begged to. I begged to join him, if God wouldn't take me instead. God did not. My beautiful son is dead, and I have to watch these idiots every day mistreat their kids and take them for granted. And that is the meaning of hell, I think.

In the end, do I think that his death was God's will? Yes. And I think that it was a release for him, and that his little heart must have prayed for it. And God honored that prayer over mine, because his need was bigger than mine. And I do not blame God for it-I still have the memories, but I knew he could not live long. Each of us has a lot in life, and it is up to us how we use it, because none of us are promised tomorrow. His tomorrows ran out, so shall mine. So shall yours. And one day, I'll do it tomorrow will go undone for all of us. This is Asher's lesson-there is no time. Don't procrastinate, but live life to the fullest-for it is gone in an instant, a candle's brief flicker and gone.

We found it fitting that it rained for ten days straight when Asher died. It's as though Heaven was sad for us. It gets us through. There are really no words, no way to express this hellish emptiness, just a long, gibbering howl of sorrow. I'm lucky I have five acres to disappear into when those times come. It's not as often as before, but they still come. As I suspect they always will. And I have not given in to madness, but I think this must be what it's like.

We are not isolating ourselves, so nobody worries. We've made plans to attend church for the first time since his death tomorrow, at a small place near the house that if we slip out because we can't stand it any more they won't mind. With this the week of Mardi Gras, while we don't party we observe Lent, so we'll be out for Ash Wednesday services. We haven't give up completely on humanity. But even as a counselor I had no idea at all how hard it would be.

I believe he's truly at peace. And that is what actually matters. If I'm sad, so be it. If it hurts me, oh well. My son's health, safety and happiness have always been my prime concern, and my own state an afterthought. But I think about how he left us, with the biggest smile I'd ever seen on his face, as if he saw someone he had been expecting for a long time. I know it couldn't be us, the anoxic episode had blinded him. I saw my son see Heaven, and that's all the proof I'll ever need. This is the truth I hold on to in the long watches of the night. It is a hard truth, but beautiful. I don't blame God because I saw him take my son home. Call me a fool if you like, but at least I can endure because of it.

The PMs, the well wishes, we have seen it all and we thank you. We are learning to live all over again, and your support is more a help than you think. Even though he's gone, he still manages to touch our lives. This truly is the power of love, and I am thankful that this wretch got to see it.
Words that move. May peace remain with you.
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Old 17th Feb 2013, 21:10   #40
KMS-oul
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I don’t visit bit-tech often. I only came on today to ask for a price check. However I am glad I did so that I could stumble upon your post. Your post move me like no other. In some ways your post help reoriented myself from my silly worries. Thank you for sharing, and even though I don’t know you, my thoughts are with you and your family. Please take care.
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