1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

For those now left behind...

Discussion in 'Serious' started by KayinBlack, 10 Jan 2013.

  1. KayinBlack

    KayinBlack Unrepentant Savage

    Joined:
    2 Jul 2004
    Posts:
    5,913
    Likes Received:
    533
    I've still got grave dirt on my hands, and some pretty awesome blisters as well.

    We buried my only son today. It was pissing down rain for part of it, it was very windy, cold and just generally nasty, but a fairly large crowd turned out. At the viewing last night we overflowed the room at the funeral home and were clear out into the lobby at one point. At least that was right.

    Because really nothing about this seems it sometimes. I thought sons buried fathers, not fathers buried sons. And I mean that in a most literal fashion, as I grabbed a shovel after the casket was lowered into the vault and the vault lid dropped into place and buried my son. It was a touching move from the little country cemetary that we now all have plots in, my little family and I. And that was right, and that was good. A father provides for his son, and when others cannot or will not do, he will. And so I covered up my son to go to sleep like I always did.

    This is hard. But he deserves this. He was the child we did not expect, the one we said we weren't trying to have, the complete statistical improbability. He was the only child known to survive more than a few hours after birth with his condition, and he would not have lasted much longer after the incident on November 10th anyway. His body just simply couldn't support him. The x-rays made that incredibly, nauseatingly evident. I think he decided himself it was time to go, but love held him back for a while just to let us make our peace with it.

    He was a preternaturally smart child. Especially for one born missing a large portion of his brain. And I'm sure that you'll just sa that's an irrational father, but I could swear sometimes he was trying to have whole conversations with those grunts. We understood him. I used to love to narrate those grunts, sometimes moving his mouth along with (gently) and he'd crow with laughter. He got his point across.

    He was the most singularly happy child I have ever seen. There was no other term for it but gloriously happy. Everything was a new adventure or a new toy or a new friend. He loved everyone and everything. And he told us as often as he could. It was hard to find a picture of him not smiling. Most of those were asleep. Even then, sometimes we would catch a hint of that little smile on his face.

    He had no reason to be that happy. His spine finally bent at an over 90 degree angle, creating compartment syndrome in his chest, and eventually killing his heart. He didn't much care for rainy days-he hurt like I do on them, and normally only swing and Mr. Bumpy or sleeping on one of us made it better. But he loved all those things, and as soon as one of us picked him up he was instantly happy again and contentedly growling and grunting away. Nothing really seemed to faze him, for the most part.

    On November 10, Asher stopped breathing. We did rescue breaths and CPR, called 911, and tried to make sure he lived until the ambulance got there. His little eyes were pleading "fix it, daddy" and then the lights went out. In a way, that was the last time I saw my little boy. His heart stopped on the way to the local hospital, but somehow after an hour and a half they got it restarted-I don't know how, but they had him intubated and on a helicopter to Children's immediately. When we finally saw him again, he was completely nonresponsive. They were about to turn the ventilator off, when we told them to do an EEG. It showed very small but definitely measurable brain activity, so we dug in to wait and see.

    He had massive damage to his brain, of course. You don't generally escape unscathed. He was blinded, for one. He lost his gag reflex, his cough reflex. It took him a long, long time just to initiate a breath on his own. Everything was a long, long fight. But we thought we were making progress. He got his trach and g-tube, and he had come off the ventilator and smiled and wiggled, and then Christmas day he got pneumonia. Until that point we thought we would make it out. After that, we weren't sure.

    He started getting over the pneumonia in a little over a week, but he wasn't getting better. We could not diagnose the real problem, abdominal compartment syndrome, fast enough and by the time we could it was too late. Too many organ systems had shut down, and he was fading very fast. Epinephrine and bagging didn't work for very long, and we faced the last of it together as a family. His heart just slowed down, then stopped. It was very peaceful, and it seemed as though his pain were gone. Just at the last, the most beautiful smile spread across his face, as though he saw the greatest sight, and he died with that smile, wrapped in our arms. I thought I would die with him, it hurt so.

    My little man went to Jesus with his best friend under his arm, and his mother and daddy encouraging him to go where there was no pain or suffering, where he would be whole and happy. You will never be able to remove my belief in an afterlife after watching a child who could not understand the idea of heaven before the anoxic episode smile as his heart stopped and he breathed his final breath. It's how I'm coping now. And it's pretty much the only way I'm coping.

    I literally buried him today, but he's not gone in my heart. He leaves a legacy of love and joy, and we were all better for his having lived. Nobody is ever gone who lives on in happy memories.

    He was the best of us, and we weren't fit to share the earth with him. But he loved all equally and welcomed all equally. The ground wasn't fit for his feet, so he could not walk. The air could not contain the power of his voice, and so he could not talk. And in the end, the world itself was not big enough to contain his love, and so he passed from this mundane existence to a plane more sublime, in the hopes that there his radiance might blossom as it deserved. He was the closest thing I ever saw to a real life angel.

    And for us left behind, we attempt to follow his example, our clumsy adult heads attempting to wrap our long-solidified minds around the kind of love he showed. And in my case failing, but never ceasing to try.

    "Suffer the little children to come to me, and hinder them not. For do you not know that the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these?"

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    God could not answer my prayer, for he answered the one of someone far holier than me, and whose need was more great. But God is good, and God is great, and his choice was the right one. For he answered my son's prayer, and he suffers no more, and his suffering was so great I could not fathom the end of it. Though we are lonely, we know you are safe and happy, and we will join you one day soon. For time is nothing to the eternal, and even decades fall away in the blink of an eye. Wait for Mommy and Daddy little man, we're finishing our jobs here on earth. We'll join you when God says its time.

    I hope each of you can find the kind of peace I have. For when I weep, and weep I must, I only weep for me. He has no need of it now.
     
    Tyinsar, Jake123456 and Pliqu3011 like this.
  2. TheBlackSwordsMan

    TheBlackSwordsMan Over the Hills and Far Away

    Joined:
    16 Aug 2009
    Posts:
    4,102
    Likes Received:
    534
    I'm very sorry for your lost Kayin, it probably mean nothing from a stranger and any word that I could say won't change a thing but I am sincerely and deeply sorry for your son. Hang on
     
  3. Tangster

    Tangster Butt-kicking for goodness!

    Joined:
    23 May 2009
    Posts:
    3,085
    Likes Received:
    151
    Sincere regrets for your loss Kayin. For what it's worth, it looks greatly as if he enjoyed the time he had, with the loving family he had and died surrounded by people who loved and cared for him.
     
  4. supermonkey

    supermonkey Deal with it

    Joined:
    14 Apr 2004
    Posts:
    4,955
    Likes Received:
    202
    This is one of the most beautiful things I've read, and it hurts to read it. My condolences to you and your family, Kayin. Our thoughts are with you.
     
  5. PureSilver

    PureSilver E-tailer Tailor

    Joined:
    16 Dec 2008
    Posts:
    3,152
    Likes Received:
    235
    Kayin, I am so very sorry.
     
  6. Elton

    Elton Officially a Whisky Nerd

    Joined:
    23 Jan 2009
    Posts:
    8,577
    Likes Received:
    196
    Words cannot express. I think I shed a tear. Condolences and peace be with him, you and your family.
     
  7. Tomhyde1986

    Tomhyde1986 What's a Dremel?

    Joined:
    25 Jul 2009
    Posts:
    382
    Likes Received:
    6
    That's one of the most inspiring, thought provoking and frankly amazing forum posts I've ever read and probably will ever read. Those photos are wonderful too.

    "Nobody is ever gone who lives on in happy memories". I think that says my thoughts better than anything I could come up with.

    Suddenly all the things that are anoying me or winding me up on a daily basis in my life fade into utter insignificance.

    You and your family are in my thoughts.
     
    bodkin likes this.
  8. Fantus

    Fantus Nothing to see here...

    Joined:
    25 Jun 2010
    Posts:
    698
    Likes Received:
    41
    Thank you for sharing this with us Kayin. I wish I had some great word to offer you but there are others here who are better for that.
     
  9. mars-bar-man

    mars-bar-man Side bewb.

    Joined:
    17 Apr 2009
    Posts:
    7,356
    Likes Received:
    276
    Terribly sorry to hear about your loss. Reading that, made me realise how fragile life is.

    My thoughts are with you and your family.

    Sent from the Starship Enterprise
     
  10. Edwards

    Edwards Minimodder

    Joined:
    8 Oct 2010
    Posts:
    835
    Likes Received:
    54
    This sums it up entirely for me. I was really choked up reading your post, and really appreciate you telling us of your son. You have my sincere condolences.
     
  11. patrickk84

    patrickk84 What's a Dremel?

    Joined:
    27 Dec 2005
    Posts:
    193
    Likes Received:
    5
    Wow. Just wow. I teared up here at work. He's beautiful man. My thoughts are with you and yours.
     
  12. Shirty

    Shirty W*nker! Super Moderator

    Joined:
    18 Apr 1982
    Posts:
    12,930
    Likes Received:
    2,058
    There are no words for this. As a parent it's impossible to understand how this works without having experienced it first-hand.

    Stay strong Kayin, and rest safe in the knowledge that whilst this must hurt more than anything else in the world, at least you knew and loved your son whilst he was here, and will continue to do so even if he's not in sight. Many people will never know the love you have known.

    'Tis better to have loved and lost
    Than never to have loved at all.


    Different context, but that quote if anything means more in this context than the original.

    *manhug*
     
  13. Blademrk

    Blademrk Why so serious?

    Joined:
    21 Nov 2003
    Posts:
    3,988
    Likes Received:
    86
    I'm sorry to hear about your loss. It's never easy to lose someone so young :(
     
  14. Pliqu3011

    Pliqu3011 all flowers in time bend towards the sun

    Joined:
    8 Aug 2009
    Posts:
    2,736
    Likes Received:
    257
    It's at moments like these where I regret not being eloquent enough in English. I just can't find the right words. I'm terribly sorry for your loss. What you've written was beautiful and incredibly honest. My condolences.
     
  15. Kovoet

    Kovoet What's a Dremel?

    Joined:
    26 Aug 2009
    Posts:
    7,128
    Likes Received:
    348
    I'm not sure what to say in times like this, except I am so so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how I would feel if I lost my son. My thoughts are with you
     
  16. lp1988

    lp1988 Minimodder

    Joined:
    24 Jun 2008
    Posts:
    1,288
    Likes Received:
    64
    I wish I had more to offer you than my condolences, but my thoughts and tears are with you and your family.

    It always pains me too hear of a life taken before it's time and I am truly sorry for your loss, it seems sometimes the best people are the ones dealt the worst hand in life.

    Find strength wherever you can, for you seem to need it more than anyone.
     
  17. Burnout21

    Burnout21 Mmmm biscuits

    Joined:
    9 Sep 2005
    Posts:
    8,616
    Likes Received:
    197
    night night little fellow, dreamland is a peaceful place to be.
     
  18. DeadP1xels

    DeadP1xels Social distancing since 92

    Joined:
    30 Nov 2009
    Posts:
    6,114
    Likes Received:
    1,052
    That was difficult to read without having to stop and take a breather i got choked up.

    Your a stronger man than most Kayin, He was a fighter all right the amount you and your family endured was truly remarkable and inspirational

    He is in a much better place now, he hung in there but in the end he decided god needed him far more
     
  19. KidMod-Southpaw

    KidMod-Southpaw Super Spamming Saiyan

    Joined:
    28 Sep 2010
    Posts:
    12,592
    Likes Received:
    558
    Such words as this are always very beautiful, touching and thought provoking. I can only again offer my deepest condolences as I don't think many of us can really think of world to summon this up. I'm sorry for your loss, he looked like the happiest child in the world.
     
  20. marlowdrummer

    marlowdrummer Minimodder

    Joined:
    24 Nov 2008
    Posts:
    173
    Likes Received:
    6
    Kayin,
    I don't post much, but Snort was one of a kind, he was a fighter. I had to post.

    I have no words to say that would mean much. I just hope that you and yours have the strength to get through this. Some would say you will get over this.... not going to happen. It might dampen over the years, but it will always be there. You could never forget Snort, we will never forget Snort!! :)

    Snort did indeed seem like a happy baby despite the problems. A blessing.

    You!! have dealt with so much... your own illness, hurricanes, snort being unwell, other issues. You are still strong, you will always be strong. I tip my hat to you. Few would be able to stand in your shoes and be the way you are. Stay that way laddie!!

    All the best mate, the hole left will never be filled ,but I hope you know that you did more than most and that Snort knew that.
    TTFN
    S.
     

Share This Page