Just wondering... haven't seen anyone post any poetry on here before... do any exist on bit-tech? Or am I the only one? Be warned... most of mine (like below) are slightly depressing, so don't read it if you've had a good day (I really don't want to spoil anyone's day). There are more at the link in my sig if you're interested in reading them?
A fine rhythm to it. A bit dark and very personal I think. The "story" is well told and reading it twice just makes it better. BTW it would be: "I'm holding on to the one..." It's always good to proof read your poems a couple times or more as correct (or purposely incorrect) spelling means a lot for carrying the message and helps the reader keep to the rhythm without stopping to think about something as trivial as spelling. Thanks for sharing mate. I think you're on to something with it. I wrote a load of poems myself many years back but I'm not writing no more.
Bloody hell... the one poem that I actually proof-read and it has a typo :/ I'll re-upload a second revision in a while and thanks for the C+C + thanks for the link Bindi, but I meant like as a regular thing, not a joke thread about boobs (though I had a giggle reading through)
I had a poem or two published back when I was doing my A-levels, but I kind of outgrew it to be honest. Too much poetry is angst finding the most obvious way out. I'm not saying yours is like that at all since I don't know you, but with that picture in the background you're certainly giving that impression to be honest. Also, when I was studying Creative Writing at University, we were given an unwritten rule that any poetry which is written with one specific person in mind is poetry that should only ever be shown to that person, or on request. So much poetry is is targetted at teenage lost loves and so on that that was just a convenient filter for us to get down to the good, meaty stuff. That's just an aside though. On a purely stylistic level I'd say you need to move away from stating things so bluntly. Good poetry relies on metaphor and allusion, not blank statement of fact. "The evil you tried to infuse"? That'd work much better if you could hint at evil or the feeling without ever naming it. It's like the alien in Signs - it's scary and atmospheric, right up until the point where you see it. As it is, all that line got from me was a roll of the eyes, to be honest. The general structure of the poem is good and the beat is consistent, but if that's something you're deliberately aiming for then you may want to re-jig a few of those sentences because their off-kilter structure doesn't sit well with the rhythm. You've built a solid beat to carry readers through, but you knock that out from under them when you use a passive voice like "I'm a changed person". Sorry if that comes off harsh or critical too, but IMHO approaching art of any form is best done in a solid and direct manner - and that's what you've always got to be ready for if you stick your work in the public eye.
Na, I prefer proper criticism to "it's good", and I totally understand (and agree with) what you mean (for the mostpart ) If you have a look through my poetry most of it is just written as it comes to me, this one I actually had a think about what I was writing (which is probably why there are so many conflicts in there), and the poem is actually aimed at a few people (well, a certain group, but we won't go into that), and writing in the conversational style's more about sticking with what I know. Thanks though
