Psychology - Are people mean for the sake of mean?

Probably a question for the more psychologically and Neuroscientifically experienced.

Are people just plain mean for the sake of it? Or is there always a reason? Because I believe in the latter, that there is always a reason for how people act, cope and deal with certain issues, conversations and confrontations.

MY friend has a very.... aggressive father. He's not abusive in a physical way, but at the age of 24, my friend is still bullied by him. He constantly undermines and insults for sometimes no apparent reason other than that he can. She claims and her friends claim that "he's just a D**k" and I always say otherwise, that there must be a reason. He has random outbursts of anger, and fits of rage where he smacks objects. Sometimes he can be quite mellow, although still quite insulting and undermining, although he sounds almost sarcastic and joking.

Can there be a reason? Because I certainly think it could be linked to a possible psychiatric disorder.

 

Highlighted is the nail for you mate

 

I honestly can't believe people are 'just d**ks'. Maybe i just like to see the best in people, but I always believe that there has to be a good reason that people act like they do.

 

Maybe he's in a kind of pre-Bundy stage, where he's still resisting the idea that everything around him is ****ed forever and he can't do anything about it, and if he ever manages to come to terms with that situation he might just become an adorably miserable old git, just like Al Bundy.

 

I suspect he indulges in some form of substance abuse, or has done in the past. Either that or he has a micropenis and is trying to make up for it...

 

The father sounds terribly insecure. He copes with it by putting others down --his victims will usually be 'safe relationships' who he knows will put up with his crap.

It's probably something that he has learned from his dad in turn. It could be regarded emotional abuse and is not OK. If I had to stick a loose diagnostic label on it, I'd think of a personality adaptation.

 

I suspected something similar, but she's learning to be just as... unscrupulous due to his influence. She's sort of giving as well as she takes, and she's acting like this towards other people, even friends.

 

How it works. Her grandfather's rage became her father's rage. And now it has become her rage. She can only break free from this legacy by recognising it for what it is, and letting it go and walk away.

 

Unfortunately she is an extremely stubborn individual, probably from years of standing up to him, no little avail.

 

It's not about standing up to him, it's about letting go of the rage. See him for the insecure, emotionally (and possibly physically) abused little boy that he is. She doesn't need to argue with him or feel threatened by him. He is a scared, battered little boy acting out to keep himself feeling safe.

 

I wish you could analyze me and tell me what issues I have. Then I could fix them and live happily ever after.

 

http://www.bps.org.uk/bpslegacy/dcp

 

Would it even be possible for him to change?

Surly abit like drug addicts if you do something for long enough it becomes second nature and a real fight to change and in the end alot seem to relapse.

I imagine it would take a longish time for him to change that and be a constant struggle for the rest of his life so is it really worth it?

Bit of a ramble but hey.

 

Anyone can change (even drug addicts); they just have to want to hard enough. Because change is hard.

Of course, emotional self-control, frustration/discomfort tolerance, patience/delay of gratification and planned/organised effort are often not qualities found in people with addictive behaviours or other mental health problems. If they had these qualities, likely they wouldn't be experiencing such difficulties in the first place. So you see the problem.

As such, things often have to get really, really bad before the person is motivated enough to change --and even then there may be false starts, not following through, falls off the wagon and crises, diversions and relapses along the way.

 

Its a very conscious change though and never seems to become an unconscious act which to me suggests your still the same OS underneath with a new wallpaper on top.

My uncle always used to say it was a constant battle against the drink even after 20 years he still refused to even go somewhere he might be tempted to have a drink.

I'm a huge advocate of trying to better yourself but at the same time I don't think its possible to fundamentally change your personality its something that's always going to be there.

Hope that makes some sense.

 

Everything can become a pre-conscious, natural behaviour with time. You don't learn to drive a car until you're 17 --before long it's automatic. Becoming a skilled craftsman takes seven years --by which stage the skills and knowledge involved are almost visceral.

After all, people are not born the way they are --that took learning too. Moreover every ten years you're a different person than you were ten years ago. At ten you're not the baby you were. At twenty you're not the ten-year old kid. At thirty you're not the twenty-year old etc. --unless a deprived environment or psychological trauma arrests your development.

Your uncle was a "dry alcoholic". He had managed to change the behaviour, but not the underlying psychological need (which is more to do with him not having been able to find the right help, than with willpower, in his case). I know former alcoholics who are perfectly able to have a beer or a glass of wine, and are happy to stop there. They don't need to get drunk and in fact don't like the feeling anymore. I know ex-smokers who don't miss the cigarettes. I know people who let go of the rage.

We all are capable of growing up.

 

But...but.......money.

 

^ Also: Zambia.

I tend not to trust psychologists who look like this:

 

Lol. Witch doctors and "tribal doctors" have phone numbers now. Very modern indeed.

 

Their methods may seem unorthodox from a Western perspective, but can be highly effective within their own cultural framework.