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Old 31st Mar 2015, 21:29   #1
KayinBlack
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Possibly going to have to institutionalize my wife.

Things have been really bad since my son died. While I expected it and was ready to let go, she completely wasn't. She's really not made in progress in the over two years since then. She's mentioned stealing babies, being given babies, and trying to get our friends to have her one. She even mentioned getting pregnant with another guy's child for us to raise, and expected me to be 100% on board with it. It wasn't a flippant statement either-it still gets brought up.

She spends her days completely ignoring me. I and her friends have completely planned out how we're going to talk to her therapist, she's none the wiser. I'm looking for a way out, she don't care. She lives in her own little bubble and nothing penetrates it.

After she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, she wanted me to wait on her hand and foot. While I was on withdrawal from heavy doses of opiates. None of my health problems are relevant-just hers. She dosen't want to take me to the ER-we get there and it's pneumonia. Even though she had been informed that chest pain was an always go, with all the myriad issues that occur in our chests.

She gets mad if I complain something hurts, like if I fall and dislocate a hip. Or that my thrice-broken back is sore. She tries to shout me down on such.

She's mean, she's neglectful, and she's utterly selfish. All this came after our son's death. But she actively refuses to get better. She self harms, and if I try to stop her, she's not above wrenching a shoulder or hip out to stop me. I've needed medical attention after fighting her with a blade.

I know in my heart of hearts it has to stop. It has to come to an end. But I can't live alone with my health problems. The wheelchair is a major limitation. But I'm still strong. I know this can't and won't go on forever. But boy has it made me feel like ****.
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Old 31st Mar 2015, 21:43   #2
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I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, and what you've been through in the past, Kayin. But I do want you to know that even though we've never met, and have rarely interacted on these forums, I'm thinking of you and hoping that you can get your wife the help that she needs.
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Old 31st Mar 2015, 21:53   #3
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I know in my heart of hearts it has to stop. It has to come to an end. But I can't live alone with my health problems.
Whereas living with a person at risk of physical harm to herself and to you is a better option with your health problems?

Sometimes things have to get really, really bad before people will change (as you know). You may have to split up. That may motivate her to seek help. If it doesn't, then leaving was always going to be your only option.
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Old 1st Apr 2015, 02:33   #4
KayinBlack
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Yeah, I'm not expecting this to go much longer. I do want to get her somewhere there's help first. I can survive that. If for no other reason, we loved each other at first. I just realize I'll never be what she needs.
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Old 1st Apr 2015, 14:57   #5
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You have my sympathy for all the issues you have to deal with. Chin up and if you haven't tried it already give meditation a small amount of your time. Go to a proper centre rather than a home DIY try. At the very least you might feel happier, calmer, less stressed, lowered cortisol, more able to cope. You might also be in a room with people who are also having to deal with a lot of trauma and stress, and you might find the genuine warmth and support useful and reassuring.

You mention the possibility of having to request your wife be institutionalised, is there any more you can do for her to try to make her life better? It sounds like you have your hands full already ... Does she have someone other than her therapist that she can totally rely on?

Maybe you could take her to a meditation session, or ask her to take you, in the hope it helps her?
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Old 1st Apr 2015, 15:20   #6
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I've had a severe health issue (was in a wheelchair for 3 months) and split up with my wife at the same time, our situations may be different but I can understand a little what you're feeling.

Your wife sounds to be in such a bad way, so much she's not helping you at all and the baby talk sounds dangerous. If you love her you really should consider professional help, even if it means she hates you, when she's better she'll thank you for it. Sometimes we have to be the bad guy to help the people we love the most.

And as much as it sounds horrible to consider, maybe for both of you to heal you need to be apart.

My advice only comes from now being able to walk and being single and actually being happier than I was before.

Like bawjaws said and am sure others will agree, we might not know each other personally but our hopes are with you both and we're always here if you need to vent.
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Old 1st Apr 2015, 17:24   #7
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Today's the first attempt. I'm past all the squishy "but I don't want you to go" point, the woman wasn't interested in taking me to the hospital for a suspected stroke.

I meditate, in my own way, often with bow and arrow in hand. For that split second there's nothing but me and the wind, and it does me an awful lot of good.

My issue here is multifold. I could go on to have a child with someone else. I might stay single forever. But this relationship has got to stop. Whatever's best for her she's not it for me. I'm too sick to keep waiting on her hand and foot. And as long as we've been together, that's been her point.
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Old 1st Apr 2015, 20:41   #8
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In Buddhism there is a practise called Tonglen, it works well if you are quite clear on the inside and have Aura awareness, you have to try to take on the others pain with breath and try to give as much unconditional understanding or compassion as possible.

Another routine is that on your in breath say to your self, I am alive, and on your outbreath say, I smile to myself that is when things are quite bad and you need some thing to do.


I know your situation if far from ideal but one way to look at it is, you have an extremely precious opportunity to help a lady that is seriously in pain not just physical, she is in complete torment inside more than we as men can understand, there is a lot going on inside her.

One of you needs to be a giver, you should try to take it in turns.

don't get led in to the circus, there is a whole bunch an infinite amount of love and compassion in both of you, love is why we are here and love is were we go back to, so you have a lot of work if you want to try to help her, even if its to change the direction of your relationship.
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Old 1st Apr 2015, 21:45   #9
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I am familiar with Tonglen, and I have tried with her-she wants to hold on to her pain, and not let it go.

My approach is to let it pour off me like water. But she resents me for making progress. She hates other people with children. And I don't have that much time left here. I don't want to die surrounded by all this bitterness.
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Old 1st Apr 2015, 22:02   #10
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Compassion must start with self-compassion.
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Old 2nd Apr 2015, 09:58   #11
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I won't try to help, as I honestly can't even imagine what you are going through. But I wish you the best and hope that everyone turns out better than you think you deserve.
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Old 2nd Apr 2015, 16:10   #12
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I never say I know how you feel to anyone as that would be wrong to claim, but I feel I can sympathise with both you and your wife Kayinblack. I went through something in my late teens which was a period of my life I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. My ex and I lost our first born child after she had a cord prolapse at 22 weeks. Our son lived for 12 hours and with his death a part of me died. It tore apart our relationship too, and we separated while she was pregnant with our second child. She had stopped taking contraception without telling me, just 6 months after we lost our son. She then fell pregnant within 7 months. That was the final nail in the coffin for our relationship for me. I felt used and abused and it also felt like she was trying to replace our son to heal the pain of losing him. I was still grieving our loss and had a choice taken from me. I went into a downward spiral after that for a number of years, teetering on the brink of getting myself into very serious trouble with the police and my family. I ended up spending a short break at Her Majesty's pleasure because I wouldn't admit that I was hurting inside and tearing apart my own life. I wanted to fight the world and to hell with anyone who wanted to stop me.I got into many fights and earned a bad reputation, which still haunts me today. I hope you find some resolution Kayinblack, with or without your wife. I sincerely wish you all the best.
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Old 4th Apr 2015, 00:12   #13
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Sat through a six hour tirade about something that happened five years ago. I just don't know how to keep going any more. I have some people to talk to next week about all this, I'll wait till I get their advice. But it's literally killing me to deal with this.
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Old 4th Apr 2015, 06:38   #14
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Prayed for you both this evening.
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Old 26th Apr 2015, 03:40   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KayinBlack View Post
Sat through a six hour tirade about something that happened five years ago. I just don't know how to keep going any more. I have some people to talk to next week about all this, I'll wait till I get their advice. But it's literally killing me to deal with this.
Do what YOU need to do, you need to look after number 1 and be selfish at times. I'm glad you can talk about it as talking does help.

I don't want to be reading a horror story that you've done something stupid because you couldn't cope any more.

The decision you make will be hard but in time you will realise getting out was for the best. Always here to listen if you need somebody.
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Report him for being a dick. Which should be a criminal offense IMO.
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Old 11th May 2015, 18:49   #16
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GTFO ASAP.

I was with someone who whilst wasn't anywhere near the level you are describing, the level of bitterness and propensity to hold on to issues rather than let go was utterly exhausting and in the end I simply walked out.

Appreciate your physical limitations are restricting your capability to do anything here but it doesn't sound like it can get a lot worse at the moment. On the basis of what you've said over the years about your state, the last thing you should be doing is caring for someone on a constant basis with no semblance of the receiver wanting to do the same for you - that just sounds like an incompatibility that will come back to bite you, even if you want to do it. True selflessness should expect no repayment - but hurting oneself in the process is not a reasonable outcome.
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Old 26th Jan 2017, 08:20   #17
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Things have been really bad since my son died. While I expected it and was ready to let go, she completely wasn't. She's really not made in progress in the over two years since then. She's mentioned stealing babies, being given babies, and trying to get our friends to have her one. She even mentioned getting pregnant with another guy's child for us to raise, and expected me to be 100% on board with it. It wasn't a flippant statement either-it still gets brought up.

She spends her days completely ignoring me. I and her friends have completely planned out how we're going to talk to her therapist, she's none the wiser. I'm looking for a way out, she don't care. She lives in her own little bubble and nothing penetrates it.

After she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, she wanted me to wait on her hand and foot. While I was on withdrawal from heavy doses of opiates. None of my health problems are relevant-just hers. She dosen't want to take me to the ER-we get there and it's pneumonia. Even though she had been informed that chest pain was an always go, with all the myriad issues that occur in our chests.

She gets mad if I complain something hurts, like if I fall and dislocate a hip. Or that my thrice-broken back is sore. She tries to shout me down on such.

She's mean, she's neglectful, and she's utterly selfish. All this came after our son's death. But she actively refuses to get better. She self harms, and if I try to stop her, she's not above wrenching a shoulder or hip out to stop me. I've needed medical attention after fighting her with a blade.

I know in my heart of hearts it has to stop. It has to come to an end. But I can't live alone with my health problems. The wheelchair is a major limitation. But I'm still strong. I know this can't and won't go on forever. But boy has it made me feel like ****.
This make me so sad.....hang in there, you just need the right person in your life.....hugs
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Old 27th Jan 2017, 21:12   #18
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Things really changed when she finally broke down and sought help herself. Things aren't perfect, but they're not what they were. We each see therapists once a week, I am medicated for issues I did not know I was going to have in 2015, and we are making it, slowly but surely.

You cannot make a person get help, but sometimes you have to make them see they need it. If I was perfectly honest, I needed it as much as she did. Maybe more. Losing a child is something one does not just get over, you work on living again, knowing they're gone but living for them.

She's nothing like this thread any more. She's much more like her old self, even as both of our diseases take a growing toll on us. She's helpful, caring, thoughtful and attentive like she used to be. I did die on her, though, so there is that. I needed help too, and I couldn't see it. All I could focus on was her needing it to realize that I was becoming no prize either.

We're good now. March will be seven years, and we're beating the curve on staying together after the loss of a child. I got my hip replaced and I can walk again and that helps a lot, too. Worst comes to worst I head out and run random stuff through my bandsaw, always cheers me up.

We made it, rather than self-destructed is what I mean to say.
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Old 28th Jan 2017, 06:34   #19
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Things really changed when she finally broke down and sought help herself. Things aren't perfect, but they're not what they were. We each see therapists once a week, I am medicated for issues I did not know I was going to have in 2015, and we are making it, slowly but surely.

You cannot make a person get help, but sometimes you have to make them see they need it. If I was perfectly honest, I needed it as much as she did. Maybe more. Losing a child is something one does not just get over, you work on living again, knowing they're gone but living for them.

She's nothing like this thread any more. She's much more like her old self, even as both of our diseases take a growing toll on us. She's helpful, caring, thoughtful and attentive like she used to be. I did die on her, though, so there is that. I needed help too, and I couldn't see it. All I could focus on was her needing it to realize that I was becoming no prize either.

We're good now. March will be seven years, and we're beating the curve on staying together after the loss of a child. I got my hip replaced and I can walk again and that helps a lot, too. Worst comes to worst I head out and run random stuff through my bandsaw, always cheers me up.

We made it, rather than self-destructed is what I mean to say.
That is great news!!! And you sir are a very honest man! I have a lot of respect for you!!
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