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Old 16th Jun 2016, 19:58   #61
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Lying in bed facing the wife, I looked into her eyes & said, ''Looking at your face reminds me of the lottery'' ? She replied ''You mean I am worth millions'' ! I said ''No, I wish you'd f*ckin roll over''
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( Kid you dont want either only bud is any good lol )
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Old 16th Jun 2016, 21:05   #62
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What did the buffalo say to his son as he was leaving?









He said,

"Bye Son!"




Hint: bison
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Old 16th Jun 2016, 21:19   #63
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Three guys are on a deserted island for a long time. One day they are walking along the beach, and a bottle washes up on the sand. One guy picks it - brushes off the sand - then a Genie appears.

The Genie says, "I'll grant you each one wish."

The first guy says, "I want to be in Las Vegas with 10 million dollars!"

Poof! He's off to Las Vegas.

The second guy says, "I just want to be back home with my wife and kids and happy again!

Poof! He's off to be back with his wife and kids.

The Genie turns to the third guy and asks, "What do you want?"

The third guy says, "Gee, it's lonely around here!" Then, he complains, "I wish those two guys were back here now!"

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Old 16th Jun 2016, 21:26   #64
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Old 17th Jun 2016, 02:15   #65
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The only joke my dad ever told me....

x

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Old 17th Jun 2016, 09:42   #66
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tyepye is the Cheesecake. Relix smiles down upon them.tyepye is the Cheesecake. Relix smiles down upon them.tyepye is the Cheesecake. Relix smiles down upon them.tyepye is the Cheesecake. Relix smiles down upon them.tyepye is the Cheesecake. Relix smiles down upon them.tyepye is the Cheesecake. Relix smiles down upon them.tyepye is the Cheesecake. Relix smiles down upon them.tyepye is the Cheesecake. Relix smiles down upon them.tyepye is the Cheesecake. Relix smiles down upon them.tyepye is the Cheesecake. Relix smiles down upon them.tyepye is the Cheesecake. Relix smiles down upon them.
I keep waking up each night wanting to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”.

But it’s never more than a whim away
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Old 28th Jun 2016, 13:50   #67
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An Engineer dies and goes to Hell.

Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?
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Old 28th Jun 2016, 14:20   #68
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault
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Old 1st Jul 2016, 09:30   #69
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Bloke walks into A&E with a big mac hanging out of his rear end......doctor takes a look and says it is one of the worst cases of aspergers he has ever seen.






Bloke rushes into the doctors puffing and panting, sweating and shouting "I am a wigwam"....."I am a teepee".

Doctor says....."you will have to come back later......you're too tense".
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Old 8th Aug 2016, 12:45   #70
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I had nasty accident today but I'm OK. I went horse riding and let's just say it didn't end up quite as planned. I got on the horse OK and started out slowly but he started to speed up and we were going faster than I was comfortable with until we were going as fast as the horse could go! I have to admit I was terrified!! Then the worst thing ever happened - I fell off and caught my foot in the stirrup and the horse was dragging me around in a circle. It wouldn't stop, it just kept going around and around. Thank God the store manager at Tesco's came out and unplugged the carousel.
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Old 6th Oct 2016, 18:36   #71
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BREAKING: UKIP release aerial footage of the search for Mike Hookem.



(Source: Twitter @thumbsuk)
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Old 14th Oct 2016, 12:22   #72
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neilardo is the Cheesecake. Relix smiles down upon them.neilardo is the Cheesecake. Relix smiles down upon them.neilardo is the Cheesecake. Relix smiles down upon them.neilardo is the Cheesecake. Relix smiles down upon them.neilardo is the Cheesecake. Relix smiles down upon them.neilardo is the Cheesecake. Relix smiles down upon them.neilardo is the Cheesecake. Relix smiles down upon them.neilardo is the Cheesecake. Relix smiles down upon them.neilardo is the Cheesecake. Relix smiles down upon them.neilardo is the Cheesecake. Relix smiles down upon them.neilardo is the Cheesecake. Relix smiles down upon them.
And the Lord said, "Come forth and receive eternal life!"

But... John came fifth and won a toaster
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Old 15th Oct 2016, 11:48   #73
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Roses are red, Violets ae glorious Do not sneak up on Oscar Pistorious.
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Old 30th Dec 2016, 20:13   #74
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What have George Michael and Ayrton Senna got in common ?

They both died with skid marks on their helmets.
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Old 30th Dec 2016, 20:30   #75
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Small man wanted for mud flap. Must be flexible and willing to travel.

What is the definition of agony? A fly sliding down a razor blade using his bollocks as brakes.

What is the definition of total agony? scratch marks on the toilet door.

What is a "poor man's cocktail?" a glass of water with a bogey in it.

What is endless love? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

What did Stevie Wonder's parents do when he was naughty? screwed door knobs to the wall.
What did they do when he was really naughty? left the plunger in the toilet.
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Old 15th Jan 2017, 23:12   #76
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Sales figures are up on the new exploding prayer mats...

Prophets are going through the roof.
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Old 15th Jan 2017, 23:19   #77
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Sales figures are up on the new exploding prayer mats...

Prophets are going through the roof.
Bahahaha!!! Funny!
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Old 15th Jan 2017, 23:35   #78
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Got hold of a translated copy of the Islamic holy book the other day.

It has certainly changed my view completely !

Inside was a story about Rick Parfitt from Status Quo, another few pages about Lemmy from Motorhead and even a new album review from Metallica !!

So, all you doubters out there,

I recommend reading a copy of "The Kerrang" if you get the chance.
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Old 17th Jan 2017, 01:48   #79
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Bahahaha!!! Funny!
Quote:
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Sales figures are up on the new exploding prayer mats...

Prophets are going through the roof.
nice. I'll probably retell this one.
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Old 21st Jan 2017, 03:15   #80
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Me to my co-worker:
Me: Chuck did you hear that Kim Kardashian got tied up, robbed and put in the bath tub in her hotel room ?
Chuck: I don't believe that at all....her butt would never fit in a hotel bath tub
Funny stuff to start the week!!!
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