I just found out that a friend of mine, Wilkes McDermid, killed himself last week. I haven't heard from Wilkes for a long while and we weren't terribly close. We hanged out in the same group of friends about 10 years ago and I think the last time I saw him is when we had lunch 4-5 years ago. Still, I am really shocked and I find it hard to put words on what I feel about this. Wilkes left behind an unusually detailed suicide note and detailed his specific reasons: https://wilkes888.wordpress.com/2013/02/08/my-final-blog-entry-love-you-all/ 24 hours after hearing the sad news and I am still disturbed by this note. He sounds entirely rational, combative and even put a FAQ at the end. How do you guys read it? RIP Wilkes.
I worked alongside Wilkes back in 2008/9 for just under two years at a City software firm specialising in derivatives trading risk. Wilkes (aka William Chong) was super-smart and had an extremely rational, cerebral approach to nearly everything, but just under the surface you could sense his anger. He was a troubled young man. He was a pleasant guy to know; kind and caring, even, and often an amusing person to have a drink with. In the office he would happily assist you, helping to figure out what to do with a spreadsheet you were working on or answering some arcane question around the subject of derivatives risk modelling, and he'd usually do so without a grumble and both accurately and succinctly. The couple of times I shared a drink with him Wilkes brought up the same complaints he mentions in his 'final blog' (which was written some years later). And even in the office these issues would surface from time to time. He was without a doubt misogynistic, mainly in that he didn't believe that women had anything other than the most self-serving, materialistic and shallow interest in men. Yes, he held the strange view that his ethnicity was a hindrance to his finding a loving and lasting relationship, but he also thought it was a hindrance to his career even though that was patently not the case, given that he held a responsible and well-paid position. There are plenty of Asian people working in the City of London, and plenty more than that in relationships, but Wilkes seemed unable to self-analyse, unable to ask any questions of himself, preferring instead to externalise his dissatisfaction with life. Wilkes had broken off all relations with his family some years previously and when I prompted him to reestablish contact with them, suggesting to him that forgiveness for whatever it was he thought they were to blame for (he always refused to reveal any detail on the subject) would bring him as much healing as it did for them, he would reply angrily and make it clear that he would always harbour resentment towards them, particularly his parents. There was obviously some rather negative history there, although I had the impression that his parents were probably less to blame than Wilkes' own world-view and his inability to consider that he might be at the core of both the problem and the solution. Wilkes was always the persecuted one, always the one that had been dealt a poor hand. Speaking of which, though, he certainly loved his poker games, his cigars and a quality glass of single malt and his life wasn't all doom and gloom. On a couple of occasions I gently encouraged Wilkes to make contact with his family, to face up to his demons, to think about the real reasons why he might not be in a relationship; but I never went so far as to say 'Wilkes, you're not in a relationship because the way you think about women and the things you say more generally about the world undoubtedly just creeps them out, every time, once they get to know you better. You need to develop some empathy towards others and learn to forgive, not only others but most importantly, yourself.' Wish I had said those words, but I doubt whether it would have got through to him and made any difference, in the end. Wilkes was simply a very troubled young man, whose extremely rational and cerebral approach to existence didn't sufficiently provide him with the necessary attributes to deal with this world. He totally denied the spiritual side of humanity. He lived only in his mind, which was obviously a sometimes hellish place to be. He was 'Spock-like', in that feelings weren't allowed to influence him, but he didn't possess the reasoned calm of that character. Wilkes hadn't held down a City job since 2011/12. He attempted to take his own life during a trip to South Africa in 2013, although I only became aware of this fact after his recent death. I also learned that he spent some time in therapy after the 2013 suicide attempt, but to no avail. His family was very concerned about him and attempted to intervene on a number of occasions, but this was difficult for them, given Wilkes's attitude towards them. During the last three years of his life his food blog became very popular and it seemed a natural progression for him, given his love of food, whisky, cigars and photography; but throughout it all the underlying demons, his deep insecurity and lack of self-esteem, were eating away at any chance he might have ever had of leading a 'normal' life. I don't think there's a whole lot more to be said. His 'final blog', in which he even posted his 'last meal' (Hawksmoor in Spitalfields, 8oz sirloin steak) was so typical of Wilkes. He rationally and very sanely wrote about his irrational and final, insane choice.
Just because you're intellectually bright doesn't mean you can't be psychologically messed up. In fact being intellectually bright can be a hindrance. In practical aspects of life intellect is a powerful coping resource enabling effective problem analysis and resolution, but in emotional aspects it is often the wrong tool for the job. Rationalisation defends against difficult feelings but does not resolve them. Yet being generally such an effective tool it is hard to put down and pick up a more appropriate one.
I think I finally pieced together what disturbed me the most of his not. Basically its that in his note he made a good point. I can't deny that for the average man it's fairly difficult to get into a relationship, let alone a happy one. Especially if you are below average in some way, like looks, height, confidence etc. Of course it's hard for women too, but I sense that at the very least, if not relationships, it's easier for them to find companionship. Just to take online dating as an example, average women are flooded with messages whilst average men are lucky to even get a reply. As for his main grip, I also agree to a degree. I don't remember him saying that there was some professional discrimination against Asians. That's certainly BS, at least in the City, where I also work. However there is some truth in the fact that women, ceteris paribus, don't favour asian men. Of course this is surmountable with confidence, charisma, charm etc... luckily women are not as shallow as us and we can usually talk ourselves out of our physical attributes. As we are moving more and more online, where we are just a picture with a list of specs, this advantage is slowly eroding. That said, if you believe, or in this case know, that your ethnicity is biased against, it will likely affect your confidence and self-esteem, which will make things worse, much worse. I can really understand his anguish as I don't see how one can get out of this vicious cycle. I certainly know how terribly lucky I am to be in a loving relationship.
At age 37 you are in a dating pool that is old and wise enough (generally) to look beyond superficial appearance. Young women may look for physically fit, tall men; that's just lust at work, the same way that young men look for physically attractive, cute girls. Adult women however look for a man who is good life partner material: mature, loyal, a good provider; someone who doesn't act like an immature dick. Adult men look for similar in women: mature, loyal, caring; someone who's got your back and doesn't act like a little girl. What you look for is someone who is self-confident but not cocky; has self-respect but got over themselves already; who has a past but not luggage, who can see their own imperfections and can see past those in you. You want someone with personality, because personality is substantial and matures whereas good looks are insubstantial and besides, they fade. You don't want rich and powerful; you just want self-sufficient and empowered. You want a partner who can hold his/her own and will have your back like you have theirs. I suspect that Wilkes' psychological problems were as complicated as they were tragic, but in the end nobody wants to date an angry, bitter guy with a huge chip on his shoulder. It's exhausting. Unfortunately as tends to happen he projected his views about himself onto others and then sought out the evidence to confirm his beliefs. Confirmation bias is like a hall of mirrors.
Sad that he'll be missed by those that will miss him, and very sad he couldn't reflect deep enough on who he was and who he wanted to be. He was lonely but wasn't prepared to lay the blame on luck, chance or to put it plainly, who he was. As far as he was concerned he wasn't white enough, tall enough or rich enough to be lucky in love. I find that highly unlikely. More probably he simply wasn't aware of who he was, and how others saw him. His experience of using dating sites should not be a reflection on how most successful relationships form. His view on things sounded a little too narrow. If someone had a different opinion to him, then clearly they would be wrong and he had to educate them on why he was correct. The vast majority of people are absolutely rubbish at spotting the things they are wrong about. We're just not built that way. Can I tell you the things I believe are true but that I'm wrong about? Of course not. Not everyone can find happiness in themselves or in helping others. And changing who we are is a near impossibility for most of us. So I respect his right to take a super early retirement and to do so on his own terms. Some people take others with them when they go. Surely there's some comfort in knowing he didn't do this. His decision was personal and whether we agree or not, or would have done things differently or not, it was his life to end if he so wished. If something happened to my family I found myself truly and genuinely alone I think I'd find it very hard to find a reason to keep going. But I think I'd try bloody hard to find that reason, and I'd like to think that helping others would be the thing to keep me going. I wouldn't find any relief in indulging in fine wines and food. I believe my outlook is wider than that. Always sad when someone self exits. Leaves so many 'What if?' questions. — Sorry if there's anything I've said that doesn't sit with you. Was my Mum's cremation today so have spent all day talking about death, the people we've lost and what it does to us. We only get one shot at this life lark (This is not one of the things I could be wrong about) so all we can do is make the most of what we've got. All we can do is our best and to try not to eff it up for those around us or who come after.
I know a lot of single men and women in that age group, and whilst it's all very true that they long for a good life partner, they still have no idea how to get about doing so. Unless they have the kind of social life that brings in constant stream of new people (and let's face it, that's not that common), they are all on online dating sites or on tinder, where, for lack of a better filtering strategy, they just yes/no based on a picture. It's so much easier than going out and eventually that becomes the routine. Not that the traditional "get chatted up in bar" is ideal, but at least (as a woman) you get a random selection of guys approaching that you don't chose, and every so often, there are great ones that you would otherwise have swiped away on Tinder.
Hmm. So, basically, he couldn't get a girlfriend so he killed himself, and rationalised his decision in a very thorough but heavily flawed manner. What a miserable git. I find it hard to believe he didn't consider stepping outside the boundries of his notion of what is desirable in the eyes of the opposite sex- I see so many 'odd couples' that are perfectly happy together, so just as many 'perfect couples' who are obviously not in a happy relationship ( and those who are just in a relationship of convenience- like my sister and her partner ). Of all the reasons to end it, not being able to or not being bothered enough to try, and get a girlfriend is kinda lame... :-/
Having made previous attempts at taking my own life i can tell you its not just about finding a girlfriend, but feeling alone despite everything you try. i can feel alone in a room full of people. sure its nice to have a girlfriend and not just for adult relations. but what i desire is not sex, but pure companionship. im 25 now and i really dont have many prospects for finding a relationship. I dont Drink, and thanks to Autism i struggle to understand people, not to mention my massive social anxiety and frequent panic attacks. once depression really sinks in, your brain really does start playing tricks on you, ''so-and-so isnt responding coz he doesnt like you'' ''he doesnt like you coz your ugly'' and it just goes down and down. and eventually you stop believing it will get better, that you will make friends and have a life that is not completely spent in solitude. Humans are inherently social creatures and long periods of isolation really mess with the mind in a terrible way. i think by the sounds of it he was lonely yes, but any relationship he would have entered would have been toxic as he had no confidence that he was in any way good enough for a relationship The world of Online dating is seen a last resort for many, unfortunately men are heavily stigmatised on-line, women are bombarded with messages constantly while men get few if any. Unfortunately numbers dont much tell the full story, most messages Women receive on dating websites are ''tits or GTFO'' from ''pornstar69-4u'' from a guy with 37 photos of his knob. and as such women dont much try to instigate conversation with men, leaving many men with a bitter taste in their mouth.
I hope this doesn't come across in an inappropriate way. Race and gender stuff are kind of a minefield. I have one very short asian friend that is quite successful. He's also handsome, charming, confident, looks after himself etc. He's in a lovely relationship with a beautiful, intelligent and successful girl. Cheesy fairy tale material. I wonder if that is the "euromillion jackpot" that Wilkes mentioned. I have another three white friends in their mid 30s now that never had a relationship. They're short and not particularly successful. In other words, they don't manage to fulfill at least 2 of Wilkes' 3 criteria. They're great guys, kind, generous, honest, hard workers who don't drink, don't gamble, don't use drugs etc. They're not particularly attractive tbh, and their lack of confidence reflects seems to reflect on this. They've also been alone for so long that, like Wilkes, they're gradually becoming embittered about relationships and the way "the game is set up". I get the impression that if a girl looked beyond the superficial stuff they'd make better life partners than most guys that have no trouble finding partners, but they're my friends, so maybe I'm biased. I also get the feeling that maybe focusing on what you're good at and really pushing those attributes as far as you can, like my friend in my first example did, might be the key to making a difference. It might distinguish you from mediocrity, boost your confidence, make you seem more dependable. I don't know, my relationships are **** as well. I haven't done any research and I'm talking out of my ass. I think Wilkes is probably correct to a certain extent, but i don't think he included enough variables. It's also often hard to be aware of when you're actively sabotaging yourself, like when you have a defeatist attitude, or when you get it wrong about what you're entitled to or what you think the world owes you. NSFW
Most boring suicide note ever written? Possibly. He kept banging on about his research, but did he even once explain how it made him feel and why he couldn't take it anymore? Just bizarre. And why did it take 10 days to finish the job. Bad weather? Just bizarro.
Homogeneity of mating suggests that people generally have a pretty good idea of their own physical attractiveness and settle for partners of a similar level of attractiveness. This is reflected in the colloquial notion of someone being "out of your league", but research has also borne this phenomenon out objectively. Guys who bitch that girls don't find them attractive enough are basically saying that they don't find the girls who are within their league good enough for them. They apply the same superficial criteria to women that they accuse women of applying to them; they want the glamorous leggy blonde, not the homely girl next door. Mirror, mirror...
That's true. We expect the other person to look past the superficial stuff and appreciate our better characteristics, and naturally when they don't we conclude that it's all unfair and we've just been dealt a crappy hand in life. When we finally meet someone that likes us for who we are but they're not particularly attractive, then it doesn't occur to us that maybe we ought to try doing what we expect from others.
Did he even state how tall he was? My guess is he had small dick syndrome, which must be especially difficult in the age of the internet with a monster dong on every other web page. The height/ethnicity/wealth stuff was just his coping strategy and way of saying 'I've got a small dick and it's not my fault'.
A touch insensitive perhaps? Facts are this guy felt taking his life was the logical conclusion, which is sad under any circumstance. My thoughts go out to his friends and family.
Must admit I am a bit surprised how many people related to this forum have tried (with different level of success) to take their own life. Engraved using an ancient artifact
WTF??? how appropriate is this? Are you trolling? I completely agree. I would also add to this that I am seeing more and more women behaving the same. Actually, there is a small army of "average" single people chasing "up" and that would not consider each other.
I have to say that I'm pretty disappointed by some of the replies in this thread. Whether you knew or liked this guy or not, at the end of the day we're talking about someone who has taken their own life. Making cracks about "small dick syndrome" or calling they guy a "miserable git" and suggesting that not being able to get a girlfriend is a lame reason for suicide, or saying that the guy should have just made the best of his situation... Sorry, but that sort of lack of empathy or basic decency and respect is pretty bloody poor form. I genuinely thought that this place was better than that.
When we are confronted with the tragedy of a suicide we experience a sense of grief: that these sad things happen, that someone can feel that desperate that they end their own life. The second stage of grief is anger. We feel powerless to make things better, and (being social animals) we feel am certain sense of vicarious responsibility. So we get angry with the suicide victim for confronting us with our powerlessness and causing us grief. We blame the victim. We think his was a spiteful, petty and selfish act, and discount his suffering.
