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View Poll Results: So, which is your favourite tale?
Post # 6 –The psych ward by Spreadie 2 4.55%
Post # 14 – What goes in … shouldn’t come out by Throbbi 3 6.82%
Post # 24 – Free Willy by Yorkie 1 2.27%
Post # 27 - A not so close shave by Shirty 19 43.18%
Post # 28 – Out of the mouths of babes by Yehbaby 1 2.27%
Post # 35 – Super glue - not for the faint of arse by bigc90210 18 40.91%
Voters: 44. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 16th Nov 2012, 15:04   #1
Teelzebub
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Xmas Competition: I wanna tell you a story....... Now increased to £100 prize





With thanks to KustomPCs, who have generously agreed to donate 50% of the prize value, it's your chance to win a £100 gift voucher to spent at KustomPCs



Post your own funny story, the funnier the better, and the best tales posted by midnight on Friday 7 December will be put to a 10 day poll and the winner will receive a £100 gift voucher code to spend as they like on Kustom PCs goodies www.kustompcs.co.uk

This is a world wide competition

Rules: entrants must have been registered at least a month with a minimum of 50 posts

So what’re you waiting for?
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Old 16th Nov 2012, 18:14   #2
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Is this worldwide or just the UK??
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Old 16th Nov 2012, 18:20   #3
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Yes world wide
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Old 17th Nov 2012, 23:31   #4
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Right just to get this going "I wanna tell you a story" This story will not be entered, obviously

Many years ago myself and the missus had a Jack Russell, Now she was really well lets say defiant lol It was like she was at war with everyone not that she would attack people or other dogs but she was hard work.

Anyway, she got pregnant on one of the many times she would escape out the window so we gave her a nice bed in the kitchen. One morning we went in to make breakfast and she had managed to open the fridge and had taken all the cold cartons of milk out, put them in her bed and slept with them ffs. Of course the milk was off.

So I bought more milk that day but knowing how crafty JR was this time we tied some rope around the fridge to stop her doing again.

We get up in the morning and b***er me she had untied the rope and took the milk and slept with it again.

So then, after buying yet more milk, we tied the fridge up again and moved a cupboard in front of it there'd be no way she'd get the milk this time.

We get up the next morning only to find this time she had moved the cupboard, untied the fridge and took the milk out and slept with again but just for good measure she had eaten the b***dy sausages as well lol
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 12:04   #5
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Buying the dog an air-conditioner unit would have probably worked out cheaper in the long run.
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 13:26   #6
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My best friend's brother had a spell in the psychiatric ward at Sheffield Northern General.

His family would spend blocks of time in Germany (Dad and brother were civilian contractors for the USAF), so I used to visit him in hospital once or twice a week and keep them updated on how he was doing.

As I was a regular, I got to know most of the staff and even some of longer term patients well enough that they stopped eyeing me with suspicion. Even a dear old lady, in her seventies, eventually stopped flashing me every time I sat in the TV room; although I still had to get to my feet every time she entered - what with her being convinced she was of Romanian royal descent. There were several people there who were convinced that they were... 'higher beings', I suppose. Among them were, in no particular order, The Pope, God, Jesus and assorted historical figures of note. No super heroes though, and most of the aforementioned kept themselves pretty much to themselves.

One Saturday, I arrived early and one of the staff told me my friend was still in the lunch hall, with the other patients, he'd let him know I was here and I could wait in the common area - which was just a collection of tables and comfy chairs, with a coffee machine and, crucially, ash trays. Remember them? Yes, this was back in the golden days where you could smoke a cigarette in a hospital building!

So, I sat back and had a smoke, seemingly entirely alone in the ward, when I noticed a chap making his way slowly down the corridor. He was probably in his fifties, quite large-framed and heavy set ,though not too spry in his movements apparently.

Before long, I realised he was heading straight for me, and he halted a few feet from the coffee table at the side of me. He leaned forward a little and spoke, but no sound came from his lips, and I said that I was sorry but I couldn't hear him, making the gesture of craning my neck toward him and slightly turning my head - careful not to get too close as staff had warned me that, while none of the patients on the ward were particularly violent, there were one or two who couldn't resist licking or even biting a proffered ear.

He spoke again, this time with a barely audible mumble and, again, I explained that I couldn't hear him. He took a step closer and leaned further forward flashing his eyes and said, quite slowly and very deliberately, "I... am the maker of creation".

At this point, I like to think I kept enough composure to appear calm, but I was proper freaking out inside. He was a big fellow and I was slouched in a very low lounge chair with high arms - if he came at me, there was no way to evade him.

Then, he noticed my hand on the arm of the chair, covering my cigarette packet, and looked down at the Black Cat packet in his own hand. Flipping open the lid and growling in disgust at the empty box, he crushed it and threw off to the side; where it bounced off the edge of the vending machine and into the bin about 10 feet away.

His attention turned back to my cigarette packet and then to me. Suddenly, his face broke into a broad grin and he said "Hi, I'm Brian, one of the staff. We can't mess with the patients, but visitors are fair game, and Matt said you'd be up for a laugh. Can I nick a smoke off you? Do you want another coffee?" That's when I heard the two other staff, behind me, proper pissing themselves laughing. Apparently, my calm facade amounted to little more than going white as a sheet with my eyes bulging out of my head.
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Old 19th Nov 2012, 14:22   #7
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Now I know I can’t enter (if for no other reason that you lot will cry “Bias!”) but I thought I’d post a story about one of those moments, those moments when you’re sooooo knackered you shouldn’t be allowed to mix with people for fear the brain does not engage with the mouth. Contrary to popular opinion for me it’s not that frequent actually!

Note: this story is not for children

Anyway, it was a long weekend, a four day Easter weekend, when a relocation was planned for a 250 position trading room to be completed by team of about 10 of us. I say four days but we started straight after work on the Thursday and didn’t leave to go home til the Tuesday afternoon.

The average working day was 18-20 hours, a couple of hours assessing our progress/going over outstanding issues - aided by copious amounts of alcohol, and just a couple of hours sleep each night. The Tuesday morning finally arrives, in come all the traders and everything’s working – yaaaay! So “the team” decide it’s time to celebrate and head off down the pub – next door - for a few quick drinks before falling asleep.

Now don’t ask me why, because for the life of me I can’t remember, but the topic of conversation turned to … erm … sorry about this but there’s no delicate way to phrase this … the minimum length of time it takes a guy masterbating to ejaculate. Now I said I’d been told 45 seconds, to which one of the guys replied, with a smug grin on his face, “I can do it in 30 seconds”. My mouth engaged (to my shame, his profound embarrassment and the rest of the pub’s laugher) and I promptly replied “Well you must have a shorter distance to travel!”

Now I’ll get my coat

Edit: I wouldn't have said it if I hadn't been knackered - even if I thought it
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Old 19th Nov 2012, 15:55   #8
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Blarte - it's over 9000!!!!!!!!1!1!1!!!Blarte - it's over 9000!!!!!!!!1!1!1!!!Blarte - it's over 9000!!!!!!!!1!1!1!!!Blarte - it's over 9000!!!!!!!!1!1!1!!!Blarte - it's over 9000!!!!!!!!1!1!1!!!Blarte - it's over 9000!!!!!!!!1!1!1!!!Blarte - it's over 9000!!!!!!!!1!1!1!!!Blarte - it's over 9000!!!!!!!!1!1!1!!!Blarte - it's over 9000!!!!!!!!1!1!1!!!Blarte - it's over 9000!!!!!!!!1!1!1!!!Blarte - it's over 9000!!!!!!!!1!1!1!!!
I will just incriminate myself. I may just enjoy everyone elses amusing stories.
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Old 19th Nov 2012, 16:05   #9
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Carrie, funny story.

I don't see why you can't enter. The final winner is decided by votes in a poll. So I can't see any problem. Bittech will decide the winner

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Old 19th Nov 2012, 16:06   #10
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Damn where do i start. Being of the older generation I have done loads.

In my first year in the Police in South Africa I was stationed in a very small farming town is Natal in a town called Camperdown. Most of the goings on there was stock theft and house breaking but during the nights it got boring and quiet. We had to do so many K/M's a night to make sure that we showed that we were patrolling and not skiving off somewhere. I also got hungry during the evenings as well.

One evening feeling a bit peckish I decided to get myself a rabbit. Now for those of you who do not know when approaching a rabbit with headlight they run in a straight line. So this one evening I got to start chasing one down on a farm road along a sugar cane field a dog out of the blue decided to set chase after the same rabbit I was chasing it actually looked so funny. We eventually got the rabbit and cooked the damn thing but this same evening we earlier tried to get one but on a golf course.

So the next morning after just falling asleep I got a knock on the door with the Station Commander requesting my presence in his office.
When I got their there was a whole load of us there. He stated some idiot had totally destroyed two greens at the local golf course. How the hell I stopped myself crapping myself or laughing I do not know.
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Old 19th Nov 2012, 16:09   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carrie View Post
Now I know I can’t enter (if for no other reason that you lot will cry “Bias!”) but I thought I’d post a story about one of those moments, those moments when you’re sooooo knackered you shouldn’t be allowed to mix with people for fear the brain does not engage with the mouth. Contrary to popular opinion for me it’s not that frequent actually!

Note: this story is not for children

Anyway, it was a long weekend, a four day Easter weekend, when a relocation was planned for a 250 position trading room to be completed by team of about 10 of us. I say four days but we started straight after work on the Thursday and didn’t leave to go home til the Tuesday afternoon.

The average working day was 18-20 hours, a couple of hours assessing our progress/going over outstanding issues - aided by copious amounts of alcohol, and just a couple of hours sleep each night. The Tuesday morning finally arrives, in come all the traders and everything’s working – yaaaay! So “the team” decide it’s time to celebrate and head off down the pub – next door - for a few quick drinks before falling asleep.

Now don’t ask me why, because for the life of me I can’t remember, but the topic of conversation turned to … erm … sorry about this but there’s no delicate way to phrase this … the minimum length of time it takes a guy masterbating to ejaculate. Now I said I’d been told 45 seconds, to which one of the guys replied, with a smug grin on his face, “I can do it in 30 seconds”. My mouth engaged (to my shame, his profound embarrassment and the rest of the pub’s laugher) and I promptly replied “Well you must have a shorter distance to travel!”

Now I’ll get my coat

Edit: I wouldn't have said it if I hadn't been knackered - even if I thought it
lol and here's me thinking I knew a lady
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Old 19th Nov 2012, 16:18   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YEHBABY View Post
I don't see why you can't enter. The final winner is decided by votes in a poll. So I can't see any problem. Bittech will decide the winner
I just can't Oh and John, if you're on this forum - I apologise

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kovoet View Post
lol and here's me thinking I knew a lady
I am, so there. I blame it on working too hard
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Old 20th Nov 2012, 00:13   #13
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Abandonment to Protection

The story of how my dad could change his mind.

A bit of background first. I have a twin sister and an older sister. All three of us were born in South Africa, while both of our parents were born in the neighbouring Zimbabwe (then Rhodesia). Most of our family lived in Zimbabwe, so every year we would holiday there, which meant a day and a half drive from the East coast of South africa north to Harare, Zimbabwe.

Now a LOT of people have firearm licences in both countries. My dad always kept his 9mm pistol under the seat while driving.

I was about five years old, if that. It was our annual trip to Zimbabwe, and we had just crossed the border at Beitbridge, which meant about seven hours more to Harare. My sisters and I were fighting in the back seat, which ALWAYS pissed my dad off. He told us to stop - we continued. About an hour from the bridge, it was like a desert outside. Some small bushes here and there, and not a town for almost 50km. My dad had had enough! He had threatened to leave us on the side of the road, but even my mom laughed at the thought of that.

He stopped the car, yanked us out the car one by one, got back in, and drove off. My mother stared out the window at her three crying children abandoned on the side of the road, and she pleaded with my father to turn around. The car disappeared over the hill for about ten minutes, and then returned.

We all got in the car quietly and didn't make a sound, until an hour later, when a lorry tried to overtake on a blind rise, failed, and then almost ran us off the road. Suddenly, we were not being abandoned, but protected instead. My dad gave chase to the lorry, seemingly oblivious to the fact that his wife and three kids were still in the car with him and screaming our heads off. The lorry driver didn't give a s**t. Him and my dad were swearing at each other and all sorts as the car and lorry were side by side. Then my dad pulled out his pistol and made the lorry driver pull over.

Dad made the lorry driver get out and give him his keys. The driver had wet his pants. We took the keys to the nearest town's police station and handed them in, telling the police that there was a lorry about 20km down the road with a very dangerous driver who had pissed himself.

Can't think of any other's right now.
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Old 20th Nov 2012, 00:54   #14
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Don't take this as an entry, I have winnings from bit-tech to last many years (SatanClaus last year)....however.

Many moons ago, when I was but a youth, I discovered a confectionery item which was simply awesome. It was called Big Red, you may remember it, if not it was cinnamon flavoured chewing gum (it's probably still about somewhere). I used to get through a lot of this stuff but was always responsible, it, and it's wrappers, always went in the bin.

One day however, whilst out with friends, girlfriend of the time included, some form of massive hilarity ensued (god knows what, it could have been anything) and during a particularly violent fit of laughter I mistakenly swallowed my gum. No biggie, just be careful not to do it again.

Here's a little know fact about chewing within the digestive tract. For some reason the stuff is alarmingly resistant to friction, once it's in there it's like oil on ice. I, at the time however, was not aware of this. Later than evening when enjoying a nice relaxing bath I happened to re-enact the latest efforts of Old Faithful and produced a geyser-like bathtime gurgle.

That's when the problem began.

You see during my nice, liberating, experience of gaseous escape the gum had managed to just shoot out all on it's lonesome. Literally, there was not another thing whatsoever, I didn't even feel the need to 'bend a new biscuit' as it were. I was sat down in the bath at the time though and that had an unfortunate consequence, the gum instantly and irretrievably matted itself in my arse hair. Ever seen or had gum in your hair (any hair)? Yeah, it's a ******* and I had no idea what to do.

I decided to leave it for the time being and see if my girlfriend could offer any assistance. That night, whilst in her bed, I asked for this help but there was yet another problem, she was in the process of sorting out tons of old tat ready to redecorate her room and the only scissors which could be found were the bright orange plastic Crayola safety scissors. The ones with no metal on the blade edges whatsoever. My rescue took quite some time to be achieved thanks to not only ineffective equipment but also near paralysis of my girlfriend due to laughing.

There is a tiny bit more to this truly horrific story:
1 - She took a photo of me without my knowledge (I found out later................after we'd split up) whilst I was on my back with my legs held way up in the air.
2 - It was still red.
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Old 20th Nov 2012, 02:19   #15
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Here is the story of a sad christmas...

Everything was fine in 'lil-tbsm's house, Mom was cocking her 30 meatpie, Poppa was shovelling snow outside and 'lil-tbsm was happy. Mom really like christmas, she like decorations and her christmas tree is always magnificent. That year, I don't remember the exact year but it was in the mid '90, the christmas tree was in the basement, right next to the banister. As usual, Poppa was in a hurry for something (The man is always in a hurry), he oppened the door and entered like a hurrycane, in his haste he forgot to remove his boots full of wet snow. He was heading for the basement when, on the second step, he slipped ! Like I said, the christmas tree was next to the banister and in his fall he grabbed it... He landed on the floor and the tree on him (Full of glass decoration...). 'Lil-tbsm's Poppa was kinda uber-pissed, he grabbed the tree like a sack of potatoes and thrown it outside and yelled 'THERE WON'T BE A TREE THIS YEAR !!'.

I tell this story every year, and we always laught lolll
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Old 20th Nov 2012, 10:30   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Throbbi View Post
Don't take this as an entry, I have winnings from bit-tech to last many years (SatanClaus last year)....however.

Many moons ago, when I was but a youth, I discovered a confectionery item which was simply awesome. It was called Big Red, you may remember it, if not it was cinnamon flavoured chewing gum (it's probably still about somewhere). I used to get through a lot of this stuff but was always responsible, it, and it's wrappers, always went in the bin.

One day however, whilst out with friends, girlfriend of the time included, some form of massive hilarity ensued (god knows what, it could have been anything) and during a particularly violent fit of laughter I mistakenly swallowed my gum. No biggie, just be careful not to do it again.

Here's a little know fact about chewing within the digestive tract. For some reason the stuff is alarmingly resistant to friction, once it's in there it's like oil on ice. I, at the time however, was not aware of this. Later than evening when enjoying a nice relaxing bath I happened to re-enact the latest efforts of Old Faithful and produced a geyser-like bathtime gurgle.

That's when the problem began.

You see during my nice, liberating, experience of gaseous escape the gum had managed to just shoot out all on it's lonesome. Literally, there was not another thing whatsoever, I didn't even feel the need to 'bend a new biscuit' as it were. I was sat down in the bath at the time though and that had an unfortunate consequence, the gum instantly and irretrievably matted itself in my arse hair. Ever seen or had gum in your hair (any hair)? Yeah, it's a ******* and I had no idea what to do.

I decided to leave it for the time being and see if my girlfriend could offer any assistance. That night, whilst in her bed, I asked for this help but there was yet another problem, she was in the process of sorting out tons of old tat ready to redecorate her room and the only scissors which could be found were the bright orange plastic Crayola safety scissors. The ones with no metal on the blade edges whatsoever. My rescue took quite some time to be achieved thanks to not only ineffective equipment but also near paralysis of my girlfriend due to laughing.

There is a tiny bit more to this truly horrific story:
1 - She took a photo of me without my knowledge (I found out later................after we'd split up) whilst I was on my back with my legs held way up in the air.
2 - It was still red.
Throbbi it's posted (and quoted!) so it's an entry Thank God I keep a box of tissues at my desk - to clean off the mascara no longer on my eyelashes due to crying with laughter
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Old 29th Nov 2012, 09:47   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheBlackSwordsMan View Post
Here is the story of a sad christmas...

Everything was fine in 'lil-tbsm's house, Mom was cocking her 30 meatpie, Poppa was shovelling snow outside and 'lil-tbsm was happy. Mom really like christmas, she like decorations and her christmas tree is always magnificent. That year, I don't remember the exact year but it was in the mid '90, the christmas tree was in the basement, right next to the banister. As usual, Poppa was in a hurry for something (The man is always in a hurry), he oppened the door and entered like a hurrycane, in his haste he forgot to remove his boots full of wet snow. He was heading for the basement when, on the second step, he slipped ! Like I said, the christmas tree was next to the banister and in his fall he grabbed it... He landed on the floor and the tree on him (Full of glass decoration...). 'Lil-tbsm's Poppa was kinda uber-pissed, he grabbed the tree like a sack of potatoes and thrown it outside and yelled 'THERE WON'T BE A TREE THIS YEAR !!'.

I tell this story every year, and we always laught lolll
Think ill vote for this one just for your mom cocking her meatpie...
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Old 29th Nov 2012, 10:35   #18
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My housemate (who thinks of himself as a real prankster) and I, went to a charity photography exhibition and auction two weeks ago.

The way the auction worked was that you could either write your price next to the photo you wanted to bid on, or write your bid in the guide book and hand it in at the end.

We got increasingly drunk on pretty terrible (but, importantly, free) white wine, and my housemate started making bobby big balls statements about how he was going to put a bid in for one of the photos. I saw the opportunity to make his hangover a little worse, and goaded him saying 'he was never going to do it'. Seeing this as a challenge, he found his favourite picture, noted that someone had submitted a £60 bid and wrote it down in the guide book.

We then got increasingly drunk and left around 10pm, at which point he handed his bid in.

Predicatably the next morning, I got a sheepish text from him saying 'Oops, probably shouldn't have bid for that picture, didn't even really like it'

Followed by one in the afternoon saying "I just got a phone call from the auctioneers, I won! Will be nice to have a bit of art on my wall"

I asked him if he had paid, to which he said no, they were sending him an invoice.

You see, at around 9.30 he had popped off to the bar to fill up our glasses, and while he was gone I'd taken the liberty of adding another zero to his bid - now £700!

No wonder he had won the auction - the next nearest bid was £60!

Needless to say as soon as he got the invoice, I got a barrage of texts from him about how ridiculous it was that they were trying to 'rip him off' etc, and at that point, we had to come clean.

All that was left to do was for him to have the awkward conversation with the auctioneers about how he 'didn't want to give so much money to charity'.

Poor lad
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Old 29th Nov 2012, 18:12   #19
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The weirdest and freakiest stuff happens to me or around me. Some of them are so bad I just file away under "Do not remember". Others are embarassing for the parties involved that for their sake I also file under "Do not remember".

But my mind is like the associative word game so one thought leads me to another. So the idea of 'embarassment' reminded me of something that happened back in September.

Me and a friend were out window shopping for outdoor gear. We get hungry and I need to pee so we pop into McDonalds. Ordered our food and went to sit upstairs. I get up and go to the toilet. There's a massive queue outside and into the lady's toilet which I smirk about because I know the gents will be free. I open the door to the gents toilet only to have it slammed in my face. Luckily it didn't hit my toe or my nose. Standing there I process what I just saw. Jeans on the floor, panties on the floor, feminine legs, long hair. What on earth is a girl doing in the men's room with her pants down!!? There happened to be a female member of staff nearby who asked me what happened. I just raised my arms. She decides to take a look and comes out with a scowl on her face. I gave up on going to the toilet.
Somehow felt sorry for the person so I sat with my turned to the toilet to lessen their embarassment. Finished my meal. Went to the toilet and there were two little boys trying to peek under the cubicle at who I can only assume was their dad.

My strangest visit to McDonalds. I wish I had asked the McDonald's lady what was the person doing in there.
EDIT: When I told this story the first time people misunderstood something. She wasn't in the cubical in the mens room but out side in the communal area with the sinks and urinals.
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Old 29th Nov 2012, 18:17   #20
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Does it have to be my story?

Can I copypasta something from Reddit, or is that cheating?
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