Windows Tell me a joke

[TheGreatSatan]

I've got more games to give away. Really nice ones, but you're not getting them for free. Work for it, make me laugh

[ferret141]

Can we submit more than one joke?

Why am I still awake?

[TaRkA DaHl]

[YEHBABY]

I was thinking about death the other day and I'd rather die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

[Cookie Monster]

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage, one day my wife came home and caught us in bed together.

[TheGreatSatan]

Originally Posted by ferret141

Can we submit more than one joke?

Why am I still awake?

Sure.

[Elton]

My love life.

[bigc90210]

" A shipment of Viagra was hijacked last week. Police are looking for two hardened criminals."

[Edwards]

I farted when I got on a crowded elevator this morning. It was wrong on so many levels.

[Guinevere]

A man (Let's call him Frank) goes into the Doctors and sits down. Doc can't help but notice the guy has a huge orange head.

'Tell me what happened' says the doc calmly, leaning back on his chair. He knows this is going to be good.

'Well....' begins our orange headed protagonist, 'I was walking down the beach the other day when I found an old lamp half buried in the sand. I gave it a wipe and out popped this genie. Big guy, blue skin, terrible shoes. Well to cut a long story short he gave me three wishes.'

'Go on...' coaxes the doctor, feeling like he's living in a bad school pantomime.

'For my first wish I wished to have my wife back with me fit and healthy. You'll remember she died of Leukaemia last spring.' says Frank.

'Uh huh' nods the doc.

'And pop, there she was - right next to me. Alive and well, it was amazing.' Says Frank

The doc just nods.

'For my second wish, I wished for billion pounds, and pop this suitcase arrives and it's stuffed with cash.' Says Frank.

'And the third wish?' asks the doc, leaning forward to be sure not to miss the details.

'For my third wish - and this is where I think I went a bit wrong...' says Frank. 'I wished for a huge orange head.'

[Guinevere]

CID are investigating the death of an ice-cream salesman.

They found his body in his ice-cream van covered in raspberry sauce, chopped nuts and marshmallows with a chocolate flake stuck up his left nostril.

They're working on the assumption he topped himself.

[Guinevere]

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

[aramil]

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.

Sent on my CM10 JB powered i9100 by TapaTalk 2

[Mikee]

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field...

[Guinevere]

Guy goes to his priest for confession...

'Sorry Father...' says our jokes main character. 'I've tried really hard but it's been seven days since my last confession and I've sinned.'

'Tell me my son.'

'Well I've sworn at my work colleagues. I've drank myself into a stupor almost every night and I stole £10 from my sons piggy bank.'

'Is that all?'

'No father. On Tuesday I saw my wife bending over getting some fish-fingers out of the freezer...' His voice is stilted as he's realising the sin he's committed, '...and she was wearing this little skirt - and her legs - well she has amazing legs - so I pulled down her pants - and I.... and I took here there and then, right there over the freezer. We went at it like bunnies Father.'

'Uh huh.' mumbles the priest, his vestments feeling warmer than usual. 'You've been very sinful this week. This means you will be banned from heaven.'

'Okay.' nods the man. 'I'm not really surprised. I've been banned from Tesco too.'

[Guinevere]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

[Social_Pariah]

What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A Golden Retriever.

[Mikee]

What's blue and smells like green paint? Blue paint.

[B1GBUD]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You *******!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten *******!"

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom.
Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that *******, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one. “

[rici1241]

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman were all in a plane. The captain announced that if the plane doesn't lose some weight quickly, it will crash. So each passenger must throw some of there luggage out the door. Paddy Englishman decides to throw out some weights, Paddy Irishman decides to throw out his suitcase, and Paddy Scotsman decides to throw out a bomb he had with him.

The plane lands safely at the local airport, and the three men head to the city. On the way, they see a man sitting on the footpath, crying. The three men approach the man, and ask why he is crying. "I went into the shopping centre to get my groceries. When I came out, some weights landed on my foot, and I cant walk". Paddy Englishman's face slowly goes bright red, and the trio walk away.

A few minutes later, they see another man crying. The Three men approach him and asked what happened. "I was coming back to my car, when I saw a suitcase come down from the sky. It hit my car, and destroyed it. What's more confusing, is that the suitcase was filled with bricks." Paddy Irishman, Being a builder, goes very bright red, and the trio walk off quickly.

Another while later, the three men see a man laughing at the side of the road. The trio approach him, and asked what happened. "I was walking along, and noticed my shoe lace was undone. So I bent over to tie it, farted, and the building behind me blew up."