A mosquito flies into a bar and says hello to the bartender. The bartender then says, "y'know, we have a cocktail named after you." The mosquito replies, "what, you've got a cocktail named steve?"
Hmmm, this is a toughie, but here goes: This thread is just like the time I was in mexico, I was looking for the juan joke to tell someone, the one joke that had more soeul than south korea, a joke so punny that after one telling, I would instantly be on more of a roll than a pastry truck. I thought of everything, from telling an anecdote about how my gold prospecting career didn't pan out, to telling something magical like the tractor that turned into a field. But then, it hit me, to find the perfect joke, we have to remember the story of the mallard, for when a hunter saw it and shot at the bird, it ducked. Moral: The funniest things in life happen by chance... on a side note, "I see, said the blind man to his deaf wife as he picked up his hammer and saw..."
lol, sry. i watched and it had that joke in it, 1st time i heard it! Edit: (to keep post on topic) Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other "So how are we supposed to drive this thing?". ithankyou.
Johnny was walking on the tracks. He saw something yellow approaching from the distance, and wondered what it was. Then it hit him. ba dum tshh My beachhouse really is a stonethrow away from the beach. Which is quite evident, all the windows are constantly broken.
A man goes in to Tesco for a sandwich one day to find his wife with another man walking around doing some shopping. He leaves and goes back to work enraged at what he saw. He decides not confront his wife but to keep going back to Tesco to see if this is a regular thing. To his dismay he finds that it is, and that it happens every Friday lunchtime. The man keeps quiet for a couple of months going to Tesco every Friday lunchtime in order to follow the unknown man and his wife around the shop. The man can take no more and begins drinking in his local every chance he gets. One evening he is telling a man at the bar about his dilemma and asks him what he should do. The man replies that he knows someone who would do them both over and will arrange a meeting if he wants. A meeting is arranged for the following evening in the pub. The man is introduced to a huge bloke called Arti. He tells him the story and Arti says that he will do them over together in Tesco. The man asks about a fee and Arti tells him that he loves to kill people and will accept a token fee of a pound. The deal is done and the place is set to Tesco on Friday lunchtime. Arti awaits their arrival and follows them around the shop for a while and then pounces on them, strangling them both with his bare hands. As Arti runs out of the shop two security guards tackle him to the ground and wait for the police. He is caught and tried for murder and found guilty. The headline in the paper the next day read: Spoiler ARTI CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO
What's the difference, between a Ferrari and 100 dead babies? Spoiler I don't have a Ferrari in my garage
Ha - now that is good That on the other hand, is disturbing... EDIT: A few quotes from the man who has made me laugh so much over the past few years: "I propose that every city have a telephone number 119 -- for dyslexics who have an emergency." had me on the floor for hours
A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas. Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Mahon) agreed to answer his questions. The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest? Farmer Mahon replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it.” “I can’t print that,” said the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy.” Again the reporter knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Mahon, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?” Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once.”
Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore... So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.' The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out. The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got it on. The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in. A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mum's dead; Sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"
News flash apple computers announced the development of a chip that can be implanted into a womans breast and play music.The i-tit will cost £399 and is a major breakthrough as women are allways moaning that men just stare at their breast's and never listen to them.
A little boy walked in on his parents having sex. He sees his mom bouncing up and down on his dad, and he says "Mommy, what are you doing?" She said, "Well, daddy's too fat so I thought I'd try to flatten him out." The boy replied, "Why bother, every Tuesday the maid comes over and blows him back up again!"
A girl came skipping home from school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.” The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” She yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.” The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. “Very good,” said her embarrassed mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?” Spoiler “No, Honey, it’s because you’re 25.”
I just remembered a really crappy joke i heard once, so here it is. Mario and his sister Della just came home from school. Thier dad was making a sandwhich in the kitchen, and momma was in the laundry. Mario started playing his playstation in his bedroom and Della went into the kitchen to help dad with his sandwhich. Della asked daddy what he wanted, he said "cheese" so Della got it. Dad put half in his roll and started eating the other half. Della bumped a glass over and it broke, so she apologized to daddy and started cleaning it up. Mario heard the noise and called out "What was that?" but got no answer. Della then asked daddy "would you like anything else?" Dad tried to answer but he had stuffed his mouth with cheese and started to gag a little. He struggled to respond "Mor... Morta.....MORTADELLA!!!" Mario stopped playing, jumped up and ran to his mamma crying "MORTA DELLA, MORTA DELLA " This joke is so pathetic i can't even translate it, it's so bad it's embarrasing
A rather frisky couple were in the woods having fun when the young chap says, "It's so dark, I wish I'd brought a torch". To which the young lady replies, Spoiler "I do, too. You've been licking the grass for the last ten minutes"
