As a wise man once said to me. "how do you make a woman have an orgasm?" Before I could reply he gave the correct answer. "who gives a ****" Every woman I know goes fin made at me for that joke. It's great. +_+_+_+_+ Three wommen were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home. "Sixty is a terrible age to be," announced the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothing," said the 70 year old. "When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat fibre foods - you sit on the toilet for hours and nothing comes out!" "Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old. "No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - not a problem." "Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the 70 year old. "No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?" To which the eighty year old replied - "I don't wake up until ten!" _+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_ A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, "If you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out." Her husband grunted in the usual way , ignored the comment, and kept on farting. Being a butcher, his cunning wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. After two long hours , he came out and stated, "WOW honey, you were right about me farting my guts out but with a these 2 fingers and allot of effort I got them back in!!!"
Proudly showing off his new downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall. 'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked. 'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied. 'A talking Australian clock - seriously?' 'Yup!' 'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it. 'Just watch' he said. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back. His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence. Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 'For f*#k's sake, you stupid c*nt . It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!' ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please .... do you have anything else you can give me that your wife doesn't use?'
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three red buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!" A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three red buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle, pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?" "No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking. The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back" "NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker. The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride." At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so YOU ride it!!
This one that I remember from bash still cracks me up: Q: What's the complement to a 43 degree angle? A: Spoiler You're looking very acute today! Other people are less amused though. Cretins.
here's one to revive the tottenham based banter: i was walking along the other day when i saw a Tottenham season ticket nailed to a tree. i thought: "I'm having that!"... Well, you can never have enough nails, can you?
A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!" So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other. "Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!" "You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says. "Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?" "50 cents." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50) Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol. Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell. Element Name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!) Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
What's blue and ***** grannies? 2 answers: Hyperthermia or "Me in my lucky blue coat" What's blue and doesnt fit? A dead epaleptic sorry.
One of the funniest jokes I've heard in years, yet one that no-one else (apart from my sister) ever gets. Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? Spoiler Because she was a woman.
In the year 2009 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard-but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenter's I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The British government beat me to it!"...
A man came home early from work one day to find his wife in bed with another man. so the husband forced the other man out to the shed in the yard, fastend the man's d**k in a bench vise, removed the handle and laid a dull, rusted knife next to the vise. The man screamed, "NO,NO,NO please don't cut my d**k off!!" To wich the husband replied," I'm not going to cut it off, I'm going outside to set fire to this shed".....
Painfully funny Another one (thanks for liking the previous one which I got from bash ) which I read on slashdot once: A pizza with radius Z and thickness A has the volume Pi*Z*Z*A. It cracked me up. So far, I'm the only one to laugh at it from all the people I've told (which is three, including my girlfriend). That reminds me: An ion walks into a bar, and says to the bartender "I think I lost an electron in here last night." The bartender says: "Are you positive?" (I think it may be from bash too, but I'm not sure.)
