Hello Everyone, My name is Dave and recently I was caught out lying by my girlfriend. This is not the first time I have been caught out by her but I am determined that it will be the last. I would appreciate greatly anyone who reads all of this, I'll try to keep it brief but a little back story is required. There are two main things which I have lied about over the course of our relationship. Those are money and smoking, namely my complete lack of control over either. Early on in our relationship I was an open smoker and she did not like it, I managed to quit and didn't smoke for about two months. For one reason or another I started again, she was so glad that I had quit and so proud that I couldn't bear to tell her that I had started again. I was ashamed and didn't want her to feel that I was weak willed and think less of me. Inevitably she found out and was gutted. Gutted that I was smoking again but even more gutted that I had felt unable to tell her about it. She likened it to cheating and I couldn't really disagree. To see her so hurt, and to know that I had ruined whatever level of trust we had built up was heart breaking. I told her that I would try to quit and would never lie to her again. I went forward with the best intentions and basically the same thing happened again. God knows how but she saw fit to give me another chance. I still did not stop smoking. More recently she caught me out again, this time for something else. I had ended up in debt and had been struggling with monthly repayments for a couple of years, paying off one creditor with another. By this point, my credit rating was ruined and the creditors were becoming less inclined to lend me money. By this point we were living together. Red letters were arriving and eventually she found one. I tried to worm my way out of the situation but it was no good. I came clean with her about the debt. Once again she was devastated, not so much about the money but about the fact that I had lied to her again. We were supposed to be a couple. There was no reason why I couldn't have told her other than my own conviction that I didn't want her to think less of me. Of course, though my lying, she now didn't think less of me, she felt like she didn't know me at all. We worked through this and I honestly felt a lot better with her knowing. We were able to work out our financial situation together and I wasn't on edge all the time, afraid of emails, texts and letters. I began to work out a repayment plan and the future was looking brighter. I was however still smoking. This morning my girlfriend left the house for haircut and I went outside for a smoke. A couple of minutes later I heard a noise. I looked up and she was there staring at me in disbelief. She had forgotten her purse and come back to get it. The colour drained from my face and her disbelief turned to anger. I knew I had blown it. Needless to say, she is not happy. She has gone to her parents' house and I am here desperately trying to work out what to do. It has become clear to me that smoking and money management are the smallest of my problems. I am a liar. This woman loves me and I love her. She is beautiful - the best thing that has ever happened to me. All the corny things that couples say about each other. We were building a life together and we were so happy. Everything has come crashing down like a house of cards once again and I am so scared that she won't have it left in her to help me put it back together. I wouldn't blame her if she didn't. I want to stop lying, being open with her about things which are hard for me is so relieving. I take solace in her support and she craves the emotional intimacy as hard as I struggle to give it. I don't feel like I am a Pathological Liar - I don't invent complex fantasies involuntarily. I do feel like I can't do this on my own though. I am struggling not only to prove to her that I can change, but to prove it to myself. Has anybody been in a similar situation or know somebody who has been? Perhaps you have been on my girlfriend's end of the stick? I whole-heartedly appreciate any input anyone has to give on this matter.
I'd venture to suggest you're very hard on yourself. Do you generally lie about things? Because if not it seems to me you won't share your stumbles and falls with the person who matters most to you simply because you think she will see you as you see yourself. You describe weakness but no one's perfect, they're lying to themselves if they think they are. So the question is: why do you think you have to be in others eyes? That seems to me the fundamental reason why you didn't tell her. Get to the root of that insecurity and it'll be easier to be open in future. I'll let you into a little secret "perfect" men are a pain in the proverbial. So why would you think she'd want you to be one? Explain to her why you've done what you have - I mean the background roots of it when you figure out what they are. Explain what causes you to feel you haven't been able to share with her, because that's why you've lied in this instance. Be utterly open and honest with her about it. If you want her to stay it's probably your best bet and if she loves you enough she'll want to work through this with you once she understands. And that's the trouble right now - she doesn't understand, all she knows is you lied to her. Also, do you want to give up smoking? If no then you'll have to tell her but if yes then formulate a plan how to achieve it - patches, gum, ecigs, hypnosis, whatever method works for you - and ask her to help you - but do it for you.
Carrie is right. You are way too hard on yourself. Lying though is not good. Not telling them about debt/smoking is something for another thread OK the debt part is a bit worse, but it is your debt. Only once it began to affect her (or you both as a couple) did it really have anything to do with her. Have you gotten that all under control now? Head in the sand never gets it dealt with. As for the smoking.... I don't smoke, not a fan of it generally, but my partner smokes and I accept her for who she is - a smoker. She has given up in the past but has always started smoking again, but that is her choice. I bought her a vape system to try and wean her off, still her choice and she was a smoker when I first started seeing her. You take your partner for who they are, not who you can make them in to. If she only wants you if you don't smoke I would start to question the whole thing. It's indicative of deeper issues between you. It's not like you ritually sacrificed her favourite pet to the God Nicotine.... tl;dr don't stress. Talk to her and stop hiding things. If she wants to be with you she will see past these small issues and if you smoking is a deal breaker, then one of you has to change... All the best, and sorry for the huge post. S.
You sound alot like my fiancée used to be, she was terrible with money and lied about stopping smoking, we used to row over all 3 issues but when I cooled down we'd talk and plan things out on sorting. Now she has quit but has the odd one and I know I have to accept it, money's sorted with alot of my support, she's fibbed about the odd money thing but she spends on clothes and shows what I spend on PC stuff etc My advice is be open, tell her everything about money, let her help anyway she can, you're together so it involves her. Smoking, I had to just accept she was a smoker and will probably have relapses over time, I just use it against her for my things she doesn't like. I love this girl to bits, we marry in May and it's cost me a fortune but the big surprise is how much she's now saving and already planned next couple years saving for a house etc Good luck buddy!
Basically, daverobson08, this is about trust. It is the most important cornerstone of an intimate relationship. Your girlfriend needs to be able to trust you, but equally importantly, you need to be able to trust her. If you lie to her about your smoking and debt, you are demonstrating not only that she can't trust you, but also that you do not trust her to keep loving you and work through those difficult bumps in the road that all relationships experience and have to work through. It is in this fire and through those blows that their strength is forged. So Carrie has a point. Why do you feel you cannot trust her to love you with all your flaws and mistakes revealed?
Nexxo, I agree, but... (and this is purely from the post), she is looking for a way out based on the fact that he smokes on the sly. If it is a money issue then that is slightly different matter. Yeah he lied about smoking, but she knew he smoked beforehand. He is wrong because he did not tell her he could not stop. It's not like he's banged his girlfriends mother up the ronson. Not trying to argue, but it is a partnership, not a dictatorship. I doubt she is perfect - we all have flaws and need those to be accepted by our partners. Nexxo:Still wrong you are not in red!! But that is a post in another thread.
Marlow, there's no evidence in the OP to support your stance that it's a way out. It sounds more like you're putting your own or someone you know's experiences into this situation. And don't forget she's a woman, not a man, so may not think like you. As Nexxo said, trust is fundamental, the issues though vary in the severity of impact on trust. For example, adultery would be considered severe by many, but surmountable by some. Tbf to someone young, or with an abhorrence of tobacco smoke, being caught lying (repeatedly) about smoking may seem a huge deal but to many others, older and somewhat more pragmatic, it would not be.
Carrie, fair enough. You may be right but I am not putting my own situation in to this, just my experiences. Male/female - should that make a difference? Does the gender of the person lying make MORE of a difference? To be honest, to walk out/go to her mothers, without talking is a bit excessive. Unless there are other issues, which none of us know. I'll bow out now. Before things get heated. To the OP, all the best and I hope it all works out well for you. S.
Simplest thing seems to tell her what you've told us. You've said you kept the smoking and debt a secret because you saw them as weaknesses you were ashamed of and didn't want her to think less of you. If you haven't already, tell her that. Doing that won't change what's happened, but it sounds like the debt thing is on the right tracks now, so it just comes down to the smoking. Do you want to quit or not? If you do, then seek help (see GP etc.) and ask for her help. If you don't want to quit... man up and tell her. Bear in mind too that different people have different expectations of what individuals in a 'couple' share. You're only under any obligation to share 'everything' if you've given her the impression that you will.
I suspect that there are other issues, of which this one is just the final straw. It is not about the smoking; it's about the principle of trust. And for all we know his girlfriend may have huge issues around trust and betrayal. Her going to her mum's certainly feels a bit like a catastrophic (read: panic) response. She perceives this incident to be very hurtful and an omen of things to come in the relationship. Women do think a little different than men about these things. Men take the issue at face value (it's just a lie about smoking); women look at the implications for the relationship (he doesn't trust me and I can't trust him). When a man has extramarital sex and says to his wife: "It didn't mean anything", he is probably telling the truth. For him it was just a shag. When his wife feels deeply hurt and angry and files for divorce, she is expressing the truth: for her, it is a fundamental betrayal of their relationship. This is why men can be good leaders (they focus on the mission), but lousy managers (they fail to appreciate team dynamics and relationships). The manager who suspended a railway worker for breaching health and safety rules while saving a disabled woman who had fallen on the tracks was almost certainly male.
Your kinda of secretive she probably wonders what else you have been up too. Instead of saying I had a cig today cause I was stressed or what ever you keep it to yourself also the same with the debt. Not wanting to seem weak maybe an inferiority complex you think she is too good for you.
You are who you are. Look, I'm not saying that lying is good because it isn't, but, there are things about you that she needs to accept. By you stopping smoking that's changing you. Smoking sucks and I've managed to swap it for vaping (about four months now woohoo) but yeah, it's a bit off that she's trying to change you. There are certain things about me that my fiancee hates. Namely - when I get sick (I have Bipolar disorder) I tend to buy things for my PC. Most of them I don't need but I get this sick urge to buy things. Take the other day for example. I was suffering a bit from depression, next thing you know I'm obsessed with this £44 Revodrive. I didn't have the cash in my account at the time so I asked to use hers. She was really upset... I didn't notice and went on regardless.. Then she was crying. I felt like such a ****ing asshole it was unbelievable... But I get sick and there's not a lot I can do about it. You would literally have to put me in a straight jacket and dose me up on my anti psychotics to get me through a phase like that without spending any money. In the end we had a laugh about it and my fiancee bought a new pair of trainers to balance things out but yeah, as I said you are are who you are and her wanting to change you... Just be a bit more honest. Explain how hard (or even impossible*) it is to give up smoking. * I suffer from chronic bouts of depression, even with all of the medication I take. Nicotine is an uptake inhibitor meaning for some one like me with the illness I have? it's pretty much impossible for me to give up my nicotine as I see it as a medication. So in the end (after a long tearful discussion) we switched to vaping. My fiancee had a stroke (not the smoking sort but still, she is addicted too) and she gave up and I was smoking, then she started again... Fact is that neither of us will give up vaping. We both need the nicotine.
Thank you all for your considered responses - It means a lot. There is a lot to think about and I appreciate your candour. This is exactly why I lied to her, I didn't want her to see my imperfections. Yes I really do want to quit, I hate smoking and the hold it has on me so much. It is an addiction through and through and has made me do bad things and hurt people who I love. Yes I have the debt issue in hand and am soon to be making my first managed repayment. It feels like a weight lifted to know that I am making progress with it and it is in the open. As regards the smoking, she saw fit to start a relationship with me when I was smoking and so I am sure she was able to see past it then. I think she puts the smoking and the lying together as intrinsically linked now - hate one, hate the other. My smoking is a reminder of the lies. That being said, I do feel as though she sees it as very black and white. If I smoke, it means that I care more about the smoking than her. She can't see it any other way. She has never had any form of addiction and it is quite difficult to make somebody in that position understand it. Also, like me, she is as stubborn as a mule which doesn't help! As always, like the proverbial knife you have cut straight to the heart of the matter Nexxo. Simply put, I don't know. I am not a psychologist but perhaps I have trust issues? I have never been cheated on or significantly lied to so I can't attribute it to that. The more she knows about my failings, the closer I feel to her and I am secure in my belief that this is the way forward. That's really interesting to hear the other side of the coin, thank you. I wish my girlfriend was as understanding as you are about smoking! I don't honestly think that I will ever be able to quit for good. I am imperfect, and smoking is highly addictive. The brain is permanently affected when you smoke (correct me if I am wrong) and will always crave nicotine. It doesn't change how much I love her though, I really need for her to understand this! How did your mutual trust suffer as a result? Are there still doubts and niggles? Did the situation make you stronger or weaker? I'm glad you are planning your marriage and wish you every bit of luck in the future Yes I think this is a bit concern for her right now, the lack of trust is leading her to question everything - the very basis of our relationship. I know she is not perfect but yes, I feel like I don't deserve her after all the lies I have told. I love her unconditionally and she loves me too. I just hope that we can make this work for our better and not end us. UPDATE: She was very upset yesterday and went for a drink with her friends to console herself. We ended up talking later on she was very angry. She feels so let down and stupid for being made a fool of. Last night she was able to vent her frustrations but it was no place for a reasonable discussion. Hopefully she will be a little calmer today and more open to reason. I have sent her this message: It's a bit of a ramble and I am still waiting for a response.
I wasn't understanding for a while but how can I when I never smoked, I basically gave alot of leeway and expressed when I thought she was taking advantage of it. It took its toll, but I had to decide how important is it? It has made us stronger (been a few situations that have) and I think about the vows we'll be taking "for better for worse". My advice for right now is don't lie at all and build up some trust, if you can go for a meal and talk about, what is she expecting from you? what sort of time frame? Tell her what you need for support and that arguing about if/when you smoke doesn't help. Good luck
Some factoids about smoking. Yes, it is addictive. Every time you take a puff, the nicotine hits your brain seven seconds later to do its thing and that is a powerful reinforcement. It is a stimulant (it relaxes your subjective tension through stimulating the inhibitory mechanisms of the brain) and it is known to supress symptoms of psychosis, which is why psychotic patients smoke so much. When you stop, physical withdrawal takes about 1-2 weeks. That's it. The rest is psychological, I'm afraid: smoking has some really powerful contextual and emotional cues and behavioural associations, so when people fall off the wagon it is usually to do with that. You feel depressed, you feel tense, you feel bored --and the yearning starts. The more you try and resist thinking about it, the more you think about it. In the end you crack and have a cig --and seven seconds after the first puff you feel that familiar, soothing hit of nicotine. Reinforcement. Actually you can stop smoking, like people can stop drinking. The idea that you'll never be able to is self-serving attribution (sorry). It isn't easy, but at the same time it is easy. Just don't have a cigarette. Do something else with that internal discomfort. Don't attach meanings or values to it ("This feels so awful! I can't stand it any longer. How can I keep bearing this? There is no escape..." etc.). It is what it is. Carry on with the day and the craving disappears. Start modest: don't have a cig for the next five minutes. Then try adding another five minutes. If you manage that, you can manage five more... etc. Also consider the money you save. Calculate it. Save it up for something more rewarding and focus on that goal.
Speaking as a former smoker you have to be able to deal with the psychological triggers first and fore most. I'm a firm believer that nicotine isn't that addictive its the action of smoking in itself that's the real addiction. 2 years on I know I will never smoke again but I still get the odd twinge for a smoke. But it passes within a few seconds unlike before where I would remain agitated until the craving had been satiated. If I was still a smoker, having read that, I would be smoking right now. Its unusual and in a similar vein to the above I have always found anti smoking advertisements on tv usually had the opposite of their intended effect.
Good for you. It's not always the case though - I gave up for 6 years then started again daverobson08, re giving up smoking it's obvious from your last post you think you'll fail so haven't really tried - I suspect you've categorised it as something you can't do without and to avoid attempting rather than add to the list of failures which would reinforce your low self esteem. But the not trying to, when you do want to give up for yourself, is the failure. Yes it's an addiction, yes after a few weeks it's merely perceived psychological dependency, but knowing that won't help you overcome it. Try thinking of it this way: today I'm going to not smoke, when I get the urge I'm going to do something else which will engage my mind and my hands (not that!). Then tomorrow try the same thing. Only look at today, each day, and the tomorrows will get easier to approach. IF one today you smoke just consider it a stumble, we all have them from time to time, then start the process again - but tell her. And initially try to avoid situations you associate strongly with smoking. Then one day you'll wake up and think "smoking? - meh"
Smoking, shopping, alcohol and pornography are all 'addictive' to some extent for a lot of people, and in my experience they are the root cause of a huge number of trust issues in relationships. Those and infidelity/illegal substances It's a two way thing. To foster the trust you will need to be honest about pretty much anything and everything. Because if you're not and she finds out that trust will be shattered again. Depending on the woman you might only get a couple of chances at this trust cycle before she decides it's not worth it. If you're lucky you'll get several more than that, but be mindful that every time you hide something that's subsequently revealed you will chip away further and further. She is at fault too though. She needs to understand why you find it hard to stop smoking and spending more than you earn. You are responsible for making these points clear. Most people attempt to mould away the less desirable aspects of their partners in the longer term, but in the short term you will just need to manage her expectations as well ad your own and plough ahead. If she continues to give you a hard time once you have started being brutally honest, then it probably isn't in either of your long term interests to continue the relationship.
