I was having a pee in the swimming pool today. Flipping pool attendant saw me and blew his whistle that loud I nearly fell in.
I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotised seven guys then dropped the mike on his foot and yelled, "**** me." What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Someone told me today that Trevor Bayliss had died as well - I thought it was just another wind up...
What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? One is a big heavy animal, and the other is a little lighter.
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
Capitalisation. The difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Spike Milligan, "“You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States. ” Good enough for the Donald.
My next door neighbour has been blaring out Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra records constantly for the last 7 days... I think he may have the crooner virus !
"A guy came up to me and said, 'Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt.' I said, 'Yeah. I bet she can sit down excellently.'" - Mitch Hedberg "If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive... they would eventually start finding me attractive." "What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, the other is a pause at the end of a clause."
I think the guy I bought my new shoes from is a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all morning.