Other What's ruining your life right now?

It's to be expected, now that the studios are all run by accountants instead of people with actual imagination.

 

Luckily not. But i wouldn't employ someone who (effectively) didn't meet the job criteria... as that's the only way to interpret the scoring!

 

"The spreadsheet says this will be an enjoyable movie - funding approved!"

 

But, you do seem to have some idea of what you are doing...

 

There are only 3 Indy films. If I ever watched an imaginary 4th, I'm sure my brain would kill the part of itself with that memory in .

That's...weird! Still, here's hoping you get a decent payout. Honestly, looking back at my period of unemployment, it was the best period of my life in a way - got to concentrate on following up hobbies and gardening. I was fortunate in that I found a new job just as the redundancy money dried up.

Bit of advice: sign on to jobseekers ASAP, spend the first weekend applying for any job that you can, then treat yourself to some well earnt time off.

 

I was always worried that they'd try and do a Terminator 3 but fortunately it hasn't happened and it's now too late for Arnie to be involved.

 

The GF's concerned hovering its sweet but she's panicking my mmol has just hit 31.3 (type 2)

 

Absolutely sh*tting bricks for an interview in 22mins.
Worrying that i've applied for a role far beyond my capabilities.
But then if they thought that, they wouldnt be bothering to interview.
ARGHHHHHHHH

 

You'll be reet

 

In entirely unsurprising news, it went really well. Dunno if it was well enough to get the job, but i didn't come out of it thinking "f*ck, I could've done that better"!

 

HO BOY STRAP THE **** IN, 'COS THIS ****'S A ROLLERCOASTER!

So after this early last month:

... her back cleared up within a week or two. But since then she's been having trouble with her leg - sciatic nerve innit, it runs down the length of your spine to your ankles. Wasn't so bad at first, but it's got to the point now where she can barely walk properly. Private physio sessions helped a little early on, but they don't seem to be making much of a difference. Doc (and the NHS physio) said she's doing all the right things (aside from needing to lose some more weight - we're both working on that!), doing all the right stretches, has no concerns about anything else being wrong, but referred her for an MRI scan. MRI scans could take many many months at the moment. She can walk short distances, and sitting down (like at a desk or in the car) isn't a problem, but standing still and stairs are definitely an issue. Plus there's also the constant pain which no tablets are touching.

On top of that, her mum went in to hospital about two weeks ago to have reconstructive knee surgery - she's only in her early 60s, but being a nurse for the better part of four decades is not kind to your body. Meaning that the mother-in-law-ish (we're not married, but we might as well be and MIL is easier so let's stick with that) for the last two weeks has needed constant help around the house - she can get up and move about, go to bed, the loo, etc, but she's on crutches; she can make a cuppa but can't carry it back to the sofa. About a week after the surgery she had pain in her chest, so an ambulance was called and she had another overnight stay in hospital. Turns out she had two very very small blood clots which are now being treated with drugs (and have so far not troubled her again). My other half was staying there until last Sunday, but at the moment she's sleeping at home and going to her mum's during the day and working from there.

But wait, there's more...

Earlier this week the other half gets an email in work. One of those 'all company, read this now, etc, etc' kind of emails. And yes, it was exactly what you think it was: an announcement from the parent company that the majority of her office is now at risk of redundancy by 31st December this year. This announcement was Monday but she has to wait until tomorrow to have her formal consultation - we're proceeding under the assumption that her job will be made redundant by the end of this year. At least it's plenty of notice, and luckily she was already interested in a job at my place that was advertised recently - that application was completed on the day of this redundancy announcement and we're waiting to see if she gets a call back.

All of which means that for the last couple of months, I've been the one doing basically everything around the house. All the cleaning (and by god you have to keep on top of the dust in this place), all the cat poop scooping, all the toilet scrubbing, all the cooking, etc. She's struggling to deal with everything right now, so I have to be the thing she can rely on.

Also....

At this point I'm pretty much convinced that I have ADHD. I need to talk to a doctor to get a mental health referral. This is going to take a long time to come through because of "These Unprecedented Times(TM)", and I can't really justify the cost of going private until we deal with the other half's job situation first. Meanwhile I'm becoming more and more aware of just how easily distracted I am, just how hard it is to keep a thought in my head for any length of time, the fact that I'm probably not actually just a lazy **** like I always thought I was, that I can't remember any point in my life when it wasn't like this for me... Oh, and of course, everything going on both outside my head and inside means that it's even more difficult than it normally is for me to concentrate at work and that I'm starting to realise just how much of a tangible impact it has (and has had) on my performance in work... I'm not one of those "I live and die for this company's profits" types, but I am in a senior role in my field now and I both enjoy and take pride in the work that I do; I hate to sound arrogant, but I am damn good at my job when I can focus and get stuff done. I hate to self-diagnose because I am not a clinical psychiatrist but this is getting harder and harder to ignore now.

Anyway. That's enough brain-dump whinging for one day. I'm currently waiting for the OH to get back from taking her mum to a short-notice doctor's appointment (oh yeah, the other half called while I was writing this post - turns out that the mother-in-law-ish also has an infection, so has had to have a mega-dose of antibiotics prescribed). We're planning to pop out to the shop this evening, so I think I'm going to grab a bottle of wine and a pizza (despite only having cooked two actual proper meals so far this week).

 

Never a dull day, it seems! Sounds like a trial but you've got a sound plan and I'm sure you'll make it.

If you'll allow me to gloss right over most of that and ask: if you do get an ADHD diagnosis, what are you hoping to get out of it?

 

Waiting on delivery of 5G phone so I get actual bandwidth.

 

EDIT: This did not start out as a Wall Of Text!



Honestly? Just to know one way or another:

• Why I struggle to concentrate
  
• Why I can't seem to just do one thing at a time
  
• Why I can have a completely meeting-free day at work but just can't focus on what I need to do
• Why I can go into a supermarket for one thing but come out with several bags filled with everything except that one thing I went in there for (and I don't mean the occasional 'oh silly me!' moment, I mean all. the. freakin'. time.)
• Why I feel uncomfortable when I try to sit still and not fidget or squirm
• Why I'll forget a really important thing I have to do on a certain date
• Why I forget even the really trivial things I have to do on a certain date
• Why, when I write things down on lists or create calendar appointments, I don't actually check those lists or calendars because I assume I've memorised it all
• Why I put off trivial things - or even really important things - for so long
  
• Why I just don't do trivial things - or even really important things - at all
  
• Why I can sometimes get done in a few hours what would normally take me several days to do
• Why I spend so much money on hobbies that I'm really really obsessed with just to lose interest altogether
• Why when I do get interested in something it will become almost an obsession and will constantly consume my attention, regardless of whatever else I might be trying to do
  
• Why I'll start so many things but then seem utterly incapable of doing that last 10% to finish them off

As a secondary priority: wheter this is ADHD or not, how do I cope with and mitigate these things?

On the surface it seems like I have everything going for me, and in many ways I do. But so many of these things are a real struggle every single day and it's exhausting. I've always thought that I'm just lazy, I can achieve a lot if I just put some bloody effort in once in a while. It was the same right throughout school, most of my school reports were pretty much the same: "Very clever kid, needs to make more effort, needs to pay more attention, needs to do homework, etc". College was the same - I could have got a much better grade if I put the effort in... but I just didn't want to. I never got past the first year at university and I beat myself up over it for a long time: I could have studied more, I could have passed the first year... but I was just too lazy. Up until very recently I felt exactly the same about work and my job: I could have been doing much better for myself if I'd just put the effort in... but I'm just too lazy.

Regardless of any formal diagnosis, this is not a healthy way to live: constantly berating myself, constantly thinking that I just have a terrible memory, constantly thinking that I'm just too lazy, constantly thinking that I could do so much more if I just made a bloody effort once in a while.

 

This is interesting, thanks for the in-depth reply, a lot of resonates with me.

I can see how it would help, I've read about many late adult diagnoses of autism that have provided similar... relief?

But also I'm put in mind of the old Jack Dee joke:

"I got tested to see if I'm dyslexic, turns out I'm just a bit thick"

 

I think that you don't realise that this is actually a perfectly normal way to feel! Not that it makes if fine, just that your far from the only one. I feel like this most days at work, and I usually cut my lunch to 10 minutes (and am usually reading something work related during) in an effort to make up for 'lost time'.

Having said that, let us know if you do get officially diagnosed with ADHD and how to combat it. As a tangent example, I went to the doctors a few years ago complaining about feeling tired the whole time. He just said it was normal and unfortunately a part of being human. I should point out that he was right and wasn't just being dismissive - I'm not falling asleep at the wheel or anything!

 

So, first of all, I don't mean to imply that you're wrong, or that your experiences are somehow wrong or invalid.

But this can't be right. This isn't just a work thing, and this isn't just an occasional thing, it's a constant daily grind. In the past I think I've just accepted that this is who I am: I'm just a lazy slob who doesn't put in even half the effort he could do if he really wanted. But over the last six months or so I've started to become increasingly aware of this, and it's not just the self-loathing: it's all those bullet points I listed above and more on a daily basis.

Imposter syndrome is quite common in technology, but I feel like this goes so much further beyond that.

Like said in the initial post, I need to talk to a psychiatrist. I know we've got a mental health centre nearby because I was referred there four or so years ago. But mental health services have taken an absolute pounding, so I'm going to be waiting a while. (Also I have to actually call the GP first and not just have my brain turn to mush when I talk to them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

 

Try talking to somebody at Mind, they are always helpful.