LOL Just For Laughs. Jokes & Gags

And you also became an instant martial arts expert

 

My mum hates her new stair lift. She says it drives her up the wall.

 

Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it....

 

Jokes don't become dad jokes until they get full groan.

 

Pre point 13;
https://www.csh.rit.edu/~kenny/misc/floppy.html

 

My migrant friend Rashid has finally made it across the channel to Dover from France on one of those dodgy boats after 18 hours.

He said it was awful, overcrowded, hardly any food or drink, people urinating and pooping over the side into the sea, and a vile stench....

That's the last time I ever book with P&O ferries he said

 

The wife is threatening to leave me because she says I have an obsession with tennis...

Well....the ball is firmly in her court now !

 

Nurse looks in her pocket, finds a rectal thermometer and says, “Some arsehole’s got my pen.”

 

An Englishman and an Scotsman go to a bakery.

The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.

He says to the Scotsman: That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.

Thats just simple thievery, the Scotsman replied. I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.

The Scotsman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.

The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Scotsman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.

He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?

The Scotsman then said: Look in the Englishman’s pockets.

 

Shamelessly stolen from The real Keith on BBC comments section :

Are you sweating whilst putting fuel in your car? Feeling sick when paying?

You have got the carownervirus

 

/Deploys two batons

 

The missus used to smoke after sex.

That was until I slowed down and used lube.

 

Is the armed response unit unavailable?

 

Nope but the dogs are

 

First off, THANK YOU EVERYONE for your concern I'm ok, just a bit shaken up. For those of you who don't know what happened, I was robbed yesterday morning at the petrol station filling up the car .My hands were still shaking, I was dizzy and I honestly think I was in shock. My money was gone. I called the police, they were fantastic and called for medical assistance as my blood pressure was through the roof. The police asked me if I knew who did it, and I told them "Yes, it was pump number 4 ”

 

I'm quitting smoking, enough is enough !

.....20 quid just to fill up my zippo lighter.

 

What did one snowman say to the other?

Spoiler

"Can you smell carrots?"