Motors For anyone who has ever read a Haynes manual...

For those who haven't used a Haynes Manual, these are the books aimed
at those who want to fix their own vehicles and which keep qualified
mechanics in paid employment putting things right afterwards. They are
chock full of photos, diagrams and step-by-step instructions which are
obvious if you are a fully qualified motor mechanic, but which are
frighteningly sparse on detail for the average Joe in the street who
wants to change a set of spark plugs on a 1981 VW Polo ....

Hers are some of the more common phrases found throughout the manuals
and their translations into real world english.

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with molegrips then
beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Remove small retaining clip.
Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with molegrips
then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with molegrips then
beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start,
now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Locate ...
Translation: This photo of a hex nut is the only clue we're giving you.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring and/or ball bearing
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers
to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are
doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring
diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have
been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days
and that your AA cover includes Home Start.
Translation: But Novas are easy to maintain right... right? So you
think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two
spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't
mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear
at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of
the garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as
I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Locate securing bolt.
Translation: Remember that worrying noise when you drove along the A38
last summer? That's where you'll find the securing bolt.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Remove drum retaining pin
Translation: Break every screwdriver in your box.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come
undone use a hacksaw.
Translation #3: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp
with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length
of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly
with a hammer.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before
chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid (dish soap). Wipe some
congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that
since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords
to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured
exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or
variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given.

Haynes: Top up fluids.
Translation: Drink 2 cans of beer and call out a mobile mechanic to
undo the damage.

*n

 

that's brilliant some useful tips i'm sure i'll be needing in the future.

 

hehehe, so true....

 

Mechanics jokes

possible repost but
Mechanics' humor
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brakedrum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZRS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

 

LOL!!!
ROFLApache!

 

How amusing! The joy of Haynes assisted repairs

The ultimate RTFM...

 

think that sums up the joy

 

So many of the things just kinda happen I a bit of an expert on thread stripping and bodging Good old haynes

 

So many of those are so perfectly true. Good stuff.

 

Oh wow, I'm tearing up because I've experienced those so many times over the last few months working on my fiancee's 10 year old mazda... retain tiny spring and/or ball bearing indeed...

 

OMG penski, that just had me in tears, literally thats the funniest thing i've read in ages Cheers Mate.

Death

 

LOL

Have 5 of the damn manuals. surly enough, i have several sets of mole grips, and sod the chain for the oil filter

Far too true,