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Anyone else feel like giving up

Discussion in 'Serious' started by CrapBag, 26 May 2018.

  1. CrapBag

    CrapBag Well-Known Member

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    I have a great family, 2 great kids (my son is autistic)and an amazing wife. I suffer from massive anxiety and depression, I have an alcohol issue too.

    I'm tired of fighting it, I took up cycling 3 years ago and it really does help, it clears my head.

    I know where I want to be but all this crap holds me back, people judge me because I don't work, the utterly stupid benefits programs paint an awful picture and pigeon hole everyone in my situation.

    My daughter is doing well in uni and my son had just finished his 1st year in college studying games design so I know I'm not a complete failure but I feel I need some help.

    Had so much counselling and CBT but nothings helped.
     
  2. RedFlames

    RedFlames ...is not a Belgian football team

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    Whilst i can emapthise with some of it... not totally sure what to say to any of that tbh [mainly as i know how unhelpful a lot of it feels when you're on the receiving end of it]...

    ...I'd say go see a quack but the NHS is pretty hopeless for MH issues [and by the sounds of it you already have].
     
  3. Nexxo

    Nexxo Queue Jumper

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    Ask your GP for a referral to IAPT (primary care psychological services), also known as Healthy Minds services depending on where you live. Many of these also allow you to self-refer by phone, text or website.

    There are other approaches besides CBT. In your case ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) may be helpful.
     
  4. DXR_13KE

    DXR_13KE BananaModder

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    Dr. Nexxo to the rescue.

    What helps me keep going and cope with the feeling of wanting to end it all is the curiosity of what lies beyond that curve or over that hill, the future. It has a tendency to always surprise me, most of the times in a negative way, but some times it brings with it a gem. (example, NK and SK trying to become friends)
     
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  5. stephen0205

    stephen0205 Member

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    i sort of know how you feel, i dont have kids or a wife, altho my partner hopefully one day shall be. I got alot of issues, depression, anxiety , jealousy and i to prefer a tipple to talking to someone.

    I have recently been put on anti depressants, and in 6 weeks will be refered to a councilor, unfortunately to see one sooner is just way to expensive, which is where some of my depression comes from, dead end job after dead end job, with what feels like zero prospects , need to work to pay bills, cant go back to school, got to much debt to learn at home.

    Life feels like alot sometimes, i just want to get away, i put on a pair of earphones and i just walk for miles. My partner is incredibly understanding and patient with me, and has forced me to talk rather than bottle up and whilst i dont think it always helps it usually does.

    I got other issues that i wont go into , but looking at everything over the last say 5 years. Im doing the best i ever have, yet im coping less. Life defo is not easy, but compared to alot of other people we got it easy.

    I have taken to youtube honestly (probably not the healthiest), found some videos by simon sinek , which really helped me understand some stuff, and i find motivational stuff works even to perk myself up, but if your not on it already id ask your doctor for something to uplift your mood, im on a slow release serotonin (im sure thats the name of that chemical) anti depressant which takes weeks to kick in, a few work differently, but basically it helps to not bottom out. Like you dont get that ultra low feeling. Which has helped me a massive amount
     
  6. LennyRhys

    LennyRhys Oink!

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    CBT works for some people and not for others. I can imagine how difficult it must be for you to have other problems that compound the anxiety and depression (was there myself for a very long time). As Nexxo says, there are places you can go.
     
  7. goldstar0011

    goldstar0011 Well-Known Member

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    There's probably a lot more people feeling the same than we all might think :(

    Despite being in the best place in my life ever I sometimes wonder why am I doing all this, whats the point, I just don't care.
    But like DXR_13KE said, I also want to see whats round that corner, I've come so far, why not a bit more.
     
  8. Nexxo

    Nexxo Queue Jumper

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    OK, here's how things work.

    In life, there is no such thing as a free lunch (just think of the three laws of thermodynamics). Everything that has value comes at a cost. So most life decisions are approach-avoidance dilemmas.

    Problem is, our brain is evolutionarily wired to be cost-avoidant: i.e. to avoid getting killed. Think of walking through a jungle. You hear rustling in the shrubs behind you. What is the first thing that comes to your mind? "Predator!" of course. You experience anxiety and an urge to run. And most likely, you do.

    Now you could be wrong. It could just be the wind. Or a bird. Or a cute little bunny wabbit. But your brain operates on the principle: 1. always assume the worst and 2. better safe than sorry. So you run first, and feel silly later when it turns out to be a bunny wabbit. But it's better than risking it being a predator and getting killed, no?

    The problem is: avoiding the cost usually also means avoiding what is valued, because every value comes at a cost, remember? To get the food, you must leave the safety of your burrow and risk the cold and the predators. To get the job, you must risk the interview. To get the girl, you must ask her out and risk rejection. Etc. You cannot get to what you value unless you are prepared to accept, and go through the cost.

    But that is OK. Because if something is really valued and important to you, you will endure the cost. The value makes the cost bearable. But only if you stay connected to the value. And with a brain that is primarily (and for good evolutionary reasons) wired to focus on cost avoidance, that can feel really difficult. When you experience suffering or fear, your brain is focused on trying to get away from it; to avoid it. It loses its focus on the value; its connection to what is valued.

    So you need to consciously connect to what you value all the time. You need to remind yourself all the time of what gives your life value and purpose; what is important and meaningful and makes your life worth living. Including the small things; especially the small things. Because God and the devil are in the details. Because that is what makes the costs of living bearable.
     
  9. lilgoth89

    lilgoth89 Captin Calliope

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    Every

    Single

    Day

    im Autistic myself, born into an abusive family, till my dad took his own life when i was 12, bullied throughout highschool and the only people i ever felt understood me, now lie in eternal sleep, and i yearn to join them

    Also when i go through the NHS system i encounter an interesting problem...
    The Learning disabilities team know i need support from the Mental health team so they refer me over
    but the person from the Mental health team (who has no idea what ASD entails ) takes a look, see i have no other diagnosis, and refer me straight back to the Learning disabilities team, who send me back to Mental health and round and round we go... and all the roundabout does is install the belief into people that even those paid to help them reject and discharge them. so there really is nobody that can help, they end up in a hopeless spiral that leads 6ft down. and ALWAYS the NHS buts out the same ******** letter
    (insert name here ) was a complicated case who 'fell through the cracks' of an 'overworked and underfunded system', but 'lessons will be learned' and we will 'endeavour to do better in the future'

    First off, they didnt 'fall through the cracks' you ACTIVELY pushed them away by discharging them dozens of times, bouncing them around the service over and over again, thats not falling through the cracks that is bordering on criminal negligence ( but its ok because they only commited suicide so the NHS now saves money horray )

    second 'overworked and underfunded ' way to pass the blame from the NHS onto the goverment who funds it

    Third
    we will do better and lessions will be learned, ********, if lessions were learned i wouldnt be in the same roundabout as my friends were, and maybe they would still be here, and the suicide rate for people with AS wouldnt be as 'worryingly high'
     
    Last edited: 16 Jun 2018
  10. Pete J

    Pete J RIP Teelzebub

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    Feckit, may as well share too.

    The last year and a half has been a hell of a ride for me. Although I don't want to go into specifics, I got depression for ultimately was 1st world problems. Turns out that I have borderline personality disorder and display bipolar tendencies. I got CBT on the NHS which helped, but unfortunately there's no magic wand that cures you - you just learn to deal with it. It does mean I have bad days where I'm convinced everyone hates me but I have to remember it's just in my head. Unfortunately I 'wear my heart on my sleeve', so I find it impossible to hide it when I'm feeling down as friends can read my face - it's actually quite annoying as even people who barely know me come up to me and say 'Pete, are you okay? You look really down.'. I also tend to dwell on past events and constantly play out 'what if I had done that instead?' scenarios.

    The upshot is that because of my weird personality, I tend to make good first impressions as I am very chatty at the outset - once I settle in though, people see how one day I can be incredibly cheerful, the next silent and moody. I can also push myself quite hard when I want to, but again this tends to scare people to the level I can do things.

    Meh, it takes all sorts :grin:
     
  11. goldstar0011

    goldstar0011 Well-Known Member

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    In the spirit of opening up.

    After a few weeks of silly arguments with the better half (and many before over the years), a minor run in with a neighbour and stress's outs over work and life things I took some time to really look at myself, some reading on NHS site and a test I would agree with the opinion I have mild or severe anxiety issues.

    On looking back over the years, I am constantly worries about money but I'm not skint, worried people don't like me but I have friends, worried I might lose my job but it's stable and I'm 10 years in and progressing well, and many more things.
    (just writing I worry what people think about me)

    There's been some bad life experiences that have affected me that I think I'm over, but can't be sure, some of them aren't things that can or need to be gotten over but they affect a person.

    I'm working on thinking out the bad thoughts and remembering I am a good person, the Mrs is supportive which is amazing.
    I'm not going for professional help yet but I've accepted it might be needed one day.

    Everyday is a good day really

    :rock:
     
  12. Pete J

    Pete J RIP Teelzebub

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    Ugh. Having a depressive swing at the moment. Drove home to the folks instead of home after work on Friday (well, went to the gym first), walked the dog and then went and curled up in bed for 13 hours (without a shower) whilst thinking about all my perceived errors in life. Feeling a bit better now though.

    What really fecks me off is that I know my life is pretty damn good in reality - health is great, good job etc; there are people who have real problems at the moment (some of the poor souls in this thread, several of my friends are dealing with relatives dying, wives leaving etc); and yet all I can think about is my 'problems', which really are feck all yet feel overwhelming.

    I hate talking to my friends about my 'problems' when I know they're going through worse stuff. The thing about BPD is that it can make you look like a really selfish c*nt.
     
  13. GeorgeStorm

    GeorgeStorm Aggressive PC Builder

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    Remember that just because someone else may be dealing with something 'worse', that doesn't invalidate your problems or your feelings.
     
  14. DXR_13KE

    DXR_13KE BananaModder

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    "You can not be feeling down because there are people worse than you" is like saying that you can not be happy because there are people that are having a better life than you.
     
  15. Fizzban

    Fizzban Man of Many Typos

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    Been struggling myself for some years now. The Citalopram leveled me out, so now I no longer wallow in despair or want to kill myself. That's good, right? But digging myself out of that hole when I can barely find the motivation to brush my teeth, is proving to be something else entirly. As much as the meds make you stable, they also seem to rob you of something (not motivation, I never had much of that to begin with..but something else) I can't put my finger on it.

    I heard a term..learned helplessness. Perhaps that is what this is? I dunno. CBT aint my thing, councilling just made me feel worse. I mean I had already talked it over with a friend months before I went. So any benefit to be had by airing my crazy was already tapped. No idea what to do now. I need to get fit. I need the gym, but can't get myself to go. And I don't know anyone who I can go with. Being stuck in a rut of one type or another has been most of my adult life. You might say I need a kick up the ass, but that in my current state has the opposite effect than is intended.

    I am in no mans land. I got out of the trench only to find out that I don't know how to find my way to the other side.
     
  16. Nexxo

    Nexxo Queue Jumper

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    It's called 'flatness of affect'. Motivation is emotionally mediated. Antidepressants do that sometimes.

    There are many forms of therapy besides vanilla CBT. You need more than just airing your crazy; you need direction: meaning, purpose, value. Knowing what matters in your life and what you are prepared to do for it.
     
  17. Fizzban

    Fizzban Man of Many Typos

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    Sounds..logical. I have none of that besides what I mean to my family. My family is essentially the only reason I still exsist. Even if I could have got up the courage to end my life I would not have been able to break past the barrier of what it would do to them. But seemingly familial love, while enough to give my life some meaning, it is not enough for me to..be.
     
  18. CrapBag

    CrapBag Well-Known Member

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    Comments like a Kik up the butt and pull your finger out come from utter morons who don't have a single clue what it's all about.

    The most stupid thing is I'm one of the strongest people I know, I'd be dead by now if I wasn't, I have great advice for others, I cycle 11 to 16 miles a day, every day even when I feel down (it is it's own drug) but I still struggle day to day, I still abuse alcohol, I'm eager to help others but I'm still a tad selfish, none of it really makes sense.
     
  19. RedFlames

    RedFlames ...is not a Belgian football team

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    I feel that way about 'I know how you feel'...

    ...if you did you'd know that being told 'I know how you feel' it really doesn't help.
     
  20. Fizzban

    Fizzban Man of Many Typos

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    I'd never thought of myself as strong, in any way. But I did hear that being strong for long enough will break a person. My family seems to be living proof. My sister went through a bad divorce and had to keep it together to raise 3 kids. One was exceptionally troublsome and she eventually broke. She..man she has been through the ringer (kid going into care..all of it). I won't go there. My brother struggled for years at a job that mistreated and undervalued him, until he finally had a breakdown.

    And me? Nothing so grand or worthwhile. I was stuck in the jobcentre system. I had an injury that limited the work I could do. I spent years bouncing around the system until, I too..broke. I am legitimately terrified of the jobcentre and ever having to go back there. They don't help you anymore. They bully you. But I know it is coming. My ESA 2 year leave you alone thing is about to end, and know there is this universal credit which is an even worse system than I left. I am out of time, out of ideas and soon to be out of money. If not for my family I would also be homeless.

    I know people have been killing themselves since Universal Credit started to roll out. What chance have I got? I have no qualifications, I have no decent experiance. I. Am. F****d. And that is just the money side of things. Even without that pressure I would still be utterly lost in life. I don't know what to do. And the worse it gets, the more I just want to curl up in my bed and hope it all goes away. The knowledge that it won't ,neither motivates me, nor helps me. Not sure why I'm typing this at all really. I know there are those here who will judge me, but I also know a few of you will understand. Perhaps that is why.
     

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