So this is kind of rant, kind of question to others. I hope just doesn't come across as a geek having a melt down but I honestly don't understand my situation. In all honesty I don't think anyone will actually be able to give me an answer. Basically (other than one friend*) I've never been able to create a good loyal friendship where I don't get shafted in the end. I've had a lot of friends in my life but I have never been able to really connect with any of them and not because I haven't tried. Whenever there's been a group, which there tends to be, I've always been the one who's never invited to anything from primary school to current final year uni. Every single time. I don't understand this. I'm a nice person, I care for people, I do things for people, I'm polite, conversational, intelligent etc. I'm by no means Frankensteins monster. I don't find getting very good looking girlfriends either! I don't think people find me threatening because I often socialise with people far more successful, better looking than me etc. I often find the conversation boring with someone even when I try I find they are not. Then even when I become friends with someone I always seem to be at the back. When they do rarely offer to do something together I usually always say yes to make the effort however when I return the offer I usually always get sorry mate I can't today only to find they've gone onto make plans with someone else. Just lately I thought things were turning. I meet this guy through uni and we have some good mutual interests that we've been able to bond over despite being quite different people in some aspects (this doesn't bother me in the slightest and would say this person is the best of the 'friends' I have right now). I then met a friend of his and we got on well as the three I'm now living with this new mutual friend and things started off great however now I'm completely left out (which is cool if thats what he wants) but I just can't work out why! *Best mates - would do anything for each other and had good trust. He then went through a very bad patch in life - his Dad died, he got kicked out of school a month before his GCSEs and eventually was very close to homelessness - and stole a lot of money from me. I forgave him due to his situation but I can't trust him and we now live in different counties which means the relationship has gone. Anyone else feel the odd one out all the time? I certainly do, I've just never left like I fit.
Some of the most loyal friends I ever had was when I served in HM Forces and to this day I still keep in touch with some but not all of them. I guess some of the things you go through and do together make a bond that lasts a lifetime. I don't think that I have had a true loyal friend from early childhood to now but have had some good friends along the way though.
I'm the same as the op to be fair. I have always felt I don't fit in anywhere, but to be honest I tend not to try and fit in. I am who I am and if people don't like that they can take a hike. I don't see the point in being someone I'm not or trying to take part in something I don't like just to make friends. Yes I have friends from secondary school, then when they went to uni, I went to college and then onto the world of working for a living whilst we kept in contact the friendships either died and we lost contact all together, or there has been some contact and it has been very minimal. I do indeed live with two of my best friends, I know them from work but all three of us get in really well. It helps w all have a common interest, our love and passion of gaming and the fact we are all three self confessed geeks where Sci Fi is concerned. We have a replica Police Box (TARDIS) a K9 and a yet to be assembled Dalek But anyway I have moved away from the subject slightly. I know how it feels to be always on the outside looking in, always wanting what other people have. It will happen, it will come you just haven't found the right group of friends yet. At the end of the day you can choose who to socialize with, if they don't want you as a friend then they aren't worth your time or worth bothering with. I've also always been the under dog in a group of friends, the one that gets called up on to be the designated driver on a night out as I'm the one with the car big enough to transport everyone around. Or I was the one with the spare cash to lend someone as I lived at home and they needed money to pay their bills. In the end it got to the point where it was a case of "Oh Simon will do that, doesn't matter if we owe him money or a favor" I tend to just stick to this currently, don't cross an ocean for someone that won't cross a puddle for you. Chin up mate, I know its easy for me to say but honestly things will get better
I have always found it difficult to make any sort of friend which is odd as I was brought up in a children's home from the age of 5. Now in my 60's I can count on one hand people I consider friends,this is mainly down to my inability to trust anyone particularly woman but that is down to the way my mother let me down so often as a child. Never really understood my inability to make make male friends though it is not something I give much thought to these days.
I've always found it difficult to make friends. I'm brutally honest and straightforward in both the way I speak and carry myself. Any friends I have made tend to want to use me just for their own gain, making a computer for them for nothing or for free advice and troubleshooting. I'm considered a dick compared to the rest of society. It's not because i'm nasty but because I tell it like it is and I don't tend to believe in what others believe (which is in pure, cold logic). A lot of people can't deal with my mental instability either, or it's because I have kids and they're not mature enough to enjoy my company in the same room as children.
Apart from the last bit, I'm exactly the same. I find only really loyal friends are from university. But as time went on, we've drifted across the world. Locally and after university, I find exactly the same as everyone else in this thread.
Thanks for everyone's replies it's interesting to hear other's experiences. I'm not particularly depressed or sad about the friends thing just find it confusing!
Friends are usually by convenience. You just happen to work/study in the same places. That's it. Gave up on trying to maintain good friendships mostly.
I'm in the same boat, but don't have a problem with it. I've never seemed to resonate with others very well, I've been in a few friendship groups but always on the periphery. I find anything closer than that a bit weird anyway, so don't feel I'm missing out. I've not had a decent mate for years, and even my long-term partner and I are not a good match and could be better served going our separate ways. I'm just not good at making the effort - if it doesn't come naturally don't force it, I say - doing things specifically to make people like you more has always felt needy to me and I don't do it. I'm also ungenerous and find it weird trying to give others credit for stuff - again, just feels needy. I'm selfish and isolate myself, but not in a bad way, if that makes sense. 'Why compromise yourself?' is my view.
I have two best friends and a couple of good friends. That's it. One of those best friends is my wife and the other my best man. I then have a couple of good friends but outside of that everyone else is an acquaintance Or perhaps a work colleague. Why bother trusting in anyone other than yourself anyway? If you let yourself down that's your own fault ultimately. Everyone else will eventually let you down. Cynical but true.
I've always gotten along pretty well with lots of people. In high school I wasn't "popular" per se, but definitely well known and well liked. I was even nominated to prop court in my Senior Year. But I've also had a very hard time opening up and really getting close to people. In high school I suspected just how shallow those friendships are and tried to test the waters a bit to see if my friendships were one-sided. This drove me into a really deep depression and I shut everyone out and didn't talk to anyone for over half of my senior year (literally no words). I was angry and upset and ended up getting counseling after some dramatic events. The counsellor told me that I was emotionally much more mature than my peers and that most people don't expect or make the kinds of friendships I needed until they were in college. But in college I was pretty scarred from my high school experience and kept everyone at an arms length emotionally, so I made very few friends. That said over the years I have gotten married (but we're both pretty guarded emotionally) and have made exactly two very good friends that I would consider on par with family. I also have a budding friendship with some people my wife and I met at church that I hope turns into a very close friendship. That friendship has come on really fast as my wife and I have both clicked with both the husband and wife of the other family (this is extremely rare). I also have exactly one friend that I have kept in contact with from high school. She's pretty awesome and her husband is one of the two friends I mentioned above. . . . I'm going to be a bit stereotypical here and just say that men tend to not have many friends. I've even told some of these friends that I often would just like to be working alone on a project, but have someone I like in close proximity working on their own thing as well. That's what an amazing evening sounds like to me. One of my friends agrees. If you want to make more friends, then find groups of people doing what you like, whether it's a game dev group or a mechanical keyboard enthusiast group, or a brony group or whatever. Find a place to reach out and be social and add something of value to others (that's practically free for you to give). 99.5% of the time you'll not want to be friends with any of these people, so stop going to those groups (unless you like going) and keep trying new groups until you find people you click with. But my advice would be to just be happy doing your thing and become more comfortable with fewer friends and more associates. It's easier to juggle with the business of life and associates are better as professional connections anyway. It took me a long time to get comfortable with where I am, but I'm happier now and have just a handful of people I would literally do anything for, people I want to vacation with, people I want to live on the same block as. If I had many more of those people then all I'd ever have time to do is maintain those relationships, and I'd much rather make a positive mark on the planet before I leave.
I'm in the same boat as far as making friends. Most people I have absolutely nothing in common with, and the few whose company I do enjoy are too busy with their own lives and families to hang out. I end up spending the vast majority of my time alone. The problem with that is that I cannot find happiness in myself. There has to be someone else involved for anything to feel worthwhile to me. I don't enjoy doing anything alone and so, yeah, I'm pretty much miserable all the time. At work i deal with idiot customers who drain my will to live, I like to kayak, but can never find anyone to go with, I'm a volunteer firefighter / EMT on a really slow department, and even when I go over to help my mom with something it's usually "Here's what needs to be done, I'm going to go make some phone calls while you do it". It drives me absolutely crazy because there is this huge disconnect between what i'm doing and what I want out of it. At work it doesn't matter how many customers i help or what i do for them or how much money I make for the company. No matter how hard I work I will still be going home alone and coming back the next day to do it again. All they have to offer is money and the occasional bit of appreciation, and I really don't give a rat's rectum about either of those. It's the same everywhere else in my life, no matter how many people i help, no matter what I do, none of it results in having someone to do stuff with, much less who actually want's to be with me romantically. I literally do not know ANY women who I would be compatible with. So, yeah, sucks to be me.
I too only have a couple of extremely, extremely close friends - one of which my bride to be. I used to get on with a lot of people and consider them friends, but they soon dwindled as I left school/college and I am left with just a few that I get on with extremely well, which is very important. Am I worried that I am going to lose them in the future? A little, yeah! If that happens, it happens. It's hard to maintain a friendship half way across the globe. We can try, but it is never the same.
