From the December Issue of Top Gear Magazine: Mr Average Driver...... 1. Drives over an animal on average every 54 weeks 2. Honks his horn 15,250 times in his life (for Italians, read the same as a per day figure)* 3. Is distracted from the road by the appearance of 42 female pedestrians a week. Unless he's in Norfolk 4. Will, while enroute, spill a cup of hot drink over his crotch every 17 mins 5. Will spend a total of 2hrs 14mins kissing in cars in his lifetime. There are no figures for gropes, sadly 6. Will nod off at the wheel 11 times in his life 7. Will have sex in his car six times in his life. So three minutes in all then 8. Will spend 7,750 hours motionless in a traffic jam 9. Will swear or blaspheme 32,025 times behind the wheel in his lifetime. Now that has to be b******s! 10. Can in an emergency, hold two and a half pints of urine in his bladder before bringing the car to a grinding halt and dashing out in search of a convenient tree 11. Talks to his car during 34% of journeys. 12. Farts over 912 pints of intestinal gas inside cars in his lifetime
i have a rather funny story (depending on your sence of humor i guess) on this.. several years ago, i was working out of town, and had about an hour commute each way......now, this commute was not through a city, but through a dozen or so small communities of prob several hundred people or so....the economic state of this area was quite poor (im setting something up here) so, one day on my way to work in the morning, im driving directly in front of this school, right at the time when all the kids are out side waiting for classes to start.... just as i approach the front of the school, a cat decides to use up all nine of its lives by trying to cross in front of me.... of course i slammed on my breaks before i hit the cat, which did two things....make a loud noise so all the kids turned and looked, and caused the front end of the car to nose dive so that the gap between the bottom of the car and road could of been little more than an inch or two.... cat runs out, i hit breaks, tires squeel, kids look, several big thunks of the cat bouncing between the floor of my car and the road..followed by several hundred kids screaming.... after i come to a stop of course all the kids start gathering around my vehicle and further down the road, the remaines of the cat..... then some realy poor looking kid comes up to me with tears in his eye's and ask's me why i ran over his cat...... i wasent long getting out of there after that.....
ide hate to see where im going then..... i felt bad when the kid came up to me...but when i got to the office and told everyone how pathetic the kid looked, it was a laugh fest.....i can still see the cat running across the road in slow motion...and the thunk sound..priceless....
Car : £17000 Petrol : £43.94 Killing a cat : £free The look on the deprived child's face when he realised you killed his cat : Priceless.... For killing cats there's you, for everything else... there's .... mastercard... (or some maniac)
Me and my mate were happily cruising along at about 95mph in his SAAB (Slow As A Bike) a few months ago and we saw a squirrel in the road, as we approached he said "Shall I run over it?" as we got nearer he decided not to, so he swerved to avoid it, as we swerved the squirrel decided it would also jump... we hit it dead on with the front and back wheel, squirrel go crunch at 95mph... the wheel arch was plastered rather nicely too Also, mah pa was driving down the road one day and saw a bird swoop in front of the car, he thought he'd hit it, but saw no feathers or nuffin behind the car and thought he must have missed it, anyway he parked up outside the house, as he walked past the front of the car, there it was, a nice buzzard stuck in the grill, head first!!!
Imagine explaining that second one Phat. "Hehehe, don't be silly. I wouldn't run over a bird like a sick *******, that's a hood ornament! What's that red stuff you say? Um....raspberry jam."
Biggest one I've had involvement in was when driving through norfolk with my mum and grandad. A full-sized Roe Deer Jumped out and we hit it at around 40mph. If we'd been in a boiled sweet (read hatchback) we could a) have been seriously injured and b) written off a car. Thankfully we weren't in a boiled sweet, but our 4x4, and so the deer went underneath, leaving a very large dent in the sump guard (which did its job) as it went. After a swift clubbing, it was mitsubishi 1, roe deer 0.
Ages ago my cousin had a MGB and he used to drive like a bat outta hell... one day we came over a hill and there on the bridge was three dogs two in our lane and one in the other lane... no way could he stop outright in time... he made a last minute decision to opt for the other lane and only take out one of them (one dog is better than two right?). Only we were still moving pretty good and his attempt to miss the first dog in time caused us to go sideways and slap him with the rear right panel, hit the second dog (in the other lane) with the front left... now we were headed for the concrete barrier of the bridge so he swung it around and managed to hit the third back in our lane before we came to a complete stop. He had the best of intentions but, against all odds, he managed to get them all. If he even wanted to, he couldn't have pulled off a manuver like that on purpose. He just looked at me when we stopped and said "You saw that, there was nothing I could do!". Later, when we felt less guilty and bad about it I said outta the blue... "You could have just killed two"... he knew exactly what I meant and didn't think it was too funny.
HAHA! lol I have a good one, driving to Birmingham one day to vistit grandparents, saw LOADS of phesants (sp?) all over the play going through Wales, on the way back from Birmingham with parents through a series of small rural towns, about 3/4 of the way home to Wales, I was almost asleep, shoes off and feet on top of windscreen, suddenly I felt this huge hit and heard a nasty *THUMP* we had totalled one of these stupid birds that flew out infront of us! The best bit was when we got home and there was a nice feather on the top of the radio aerial! good driving!
We were full from the Sunday dinner at my grandparent's and we couldn't find the damned thing when we stopped to get it... er I mean we wouldn't do that... yes...
close your eyes...picture a deer jumping off a bridge.... right into your SUV... does your image resemble....... (Glad it wasn't mine....)
that's a damn big veehicle I wonder what the driver was like... "uh.... wtf is that" *crash* "aaaargh its a deer! stop the car! stop the car!"
Has everyone forgotten that there are 11 more point that you can tell your funny stories about? Byw, eddie_dane's is definately the best so far. philth
