Does society really discriminate against you? I ask innocently as to look at you I would see you as a girl. And I don't see how anybody on a first meeting could think anything or do anything discriminatory against you. Or do you mean you feel discriminated against medically, on account you have not received the answer you seek and you believe everyone else can be given answers? You are right in that it is hard for us to understand, for people are motivated by different things and we all seek different answers in life. People in this thread are just trying to help you. But sometimes you can come across very dismissive and almost defeatist of this help. For example i saw a friend had loaned you money, what an amazing and kind thing to do! But the way you wrote about it and your situation, it seemed like you expected that? Like others have said, you seem to expect alot. Whether thats born out of frustration or not, it could well hinder you in your aim to get a definitive answer.
I have lived in this nightmare scenario for over two decades now, and people expect me to behave like a rational, well-adjusted person? It's a miracle I'm still alive at this point. Though to be frank, I'm not sure why I'm alive, as I have nothing to live for. I still have explain my medical situation every single time I have to identify myself. Relationships are virtually impossible. And above all I have this PTSD for which the main cause, that of not getting medical recognition and help, and instead getting lied to and my case thrown out over and over again, still exists. I can not get treatment for my PTSD as long as this cause is still present. Being intersexual feels like a horrible sin. All I'm doing is asking a few basic medical questions which do not require specialized knowledge to answer, and yet no one is willing to answer them. Why? What am I doing wrong? Is something wrong with me? Is my whole existence the problem? Can you blame me for heading down that path?
I think it should be quite obvious by now that the questions you ask do require specialist knowledge. Else you wouldn't be complaining your situation is so complex, see? You feel discriminated against? Join the club. We all get discriminated against --for out gender, our race, our age, our social class, or abilities or disabilities. As a blue-eyed mixed-race male immigrant from a broken lower-middle-class background I get discriminated for, respectively, being too black, too white, too male, too common, too educated and too Over Here. Do I care? Do I heck. Everybody gets it in the neck for something. I'm no special little flower (no matter what my mum told me). I decide who I am. And all I had to go on was my own insights. You have to let go of this sense of overentitlement. Contrary to your beliefs, health services are not waiting with wads of funding burning a hole in their pockets just waiting for a worthy mystery such as yours to unleash their medical resources on. Sucks, but things like cancer are considered to be a bigger problem for more people right now. And when you talk about suicide, you know there can only be one response from them. Your primary problem is not your IS condition. It is the vehicle through which you try to address it. Your problem is that you have felt rejected and unlovable from a very early age. You distrust people and test relationhips to breaking point only to confirm your own beliefs. Your sense of overentitlement is a narcissistic compensation. You convince yourself that only someone who would join you on your quest to unravel your IS condition really cares about you. It's your pretext for seeking love and acceptance. You don't want to go there however, because you feel that without your IS you have no identity at all and also no way to get the attention you crave. Because the real problem is so deep and so pre-verbal that you cannot even put it in words, so how can you ask others to understand? But your IS condition is something tangible and concrete you can show people. So you resist the notion of abandoning your quest and addressing your main problem. Don't get me wrong: your IS is an important issue too. It's not the fact that you try to solve that problem; it's HOW YOU GO ABOUT trying to solve that problem that indicates that there is a more fundamental, primary one. You can tell me to **** off now.
Oh come on, stop with this ********. If you were serious about ending it all you would have done so by now. Just stop with your obvious attempts for attention. Why exactly would you have to explain every time? And what do you mean by identify yourself? I'm not surprised at this as you come across as a screwed up chick. Who wants a relationship with someone that doesn't even like themselves? Having skimmed over your blog (apologies if I missed something important) but you say that you have had examinations in Holland that state they cant see any girly bits. Cant you just accept this answer? Because as far as I can see your scan (on your blog) shows a male body. Have you labeled yourself as intersexual or has a qualified doctor done so? You are getting answers, just not the ones you want to hear. In my opinion, looking for an answer that nobody else can give you. Only if you see it that way. Who gives a sh!t what others think. See above answer. No. But I don't believe you are serious, you want people to convince you to stay alive and you seem to crave attention. Like I said at start of this post, if you really wanted to you would have done so by now. Perhaps you could now do the decent thing and limit your suicide talks to your blog and not this forum.
Sadly i would have to agree with M7ck however his response seems less sympathetic than i would have put it, its reached the stage on which these things don't seem to get through you're listening to what you want to hear. Doctors face challenges daily and however your condition seems to be effecting you mentally physically you are a fit and healthy. you make out that people don't care and is clear you have lost all hope from what i've been reading im not quite gathering what you are trying to get from this? if its not corrective surgeory is it just for someone to tell you what? that you are transgender? Im not sure what you will benefit from what you already have gathered, it just seems a waste of time when its something you clearly know already yourself. The talk of suicide is ludicrous and if you make out that all these problems are effecting you so much which they clearly are!! don't get me wrong, why do you need to "request Euthensia" i don't want to persue that point any further... My personal advice would be persue local help for this obvious depression, you seem to be spinning in circles and achieving nothing but pain and frustration you need to start thinking clearer about this, none of us are medical specialists and so can't give you anything more than support and advice Don't throw this back in there face and give them threats of suicide
http://mayaposch.blogspot.com/ *sighs* the drama continues Get yourself some help before something bad happens.
While I can't possibly fully understand the situation you're in your posts on here and your blog would seem to me to suggest that your problem is far more to do with your mental status than any physical issue. I can't help but think that if you are truly attempting to resolve your situation then you're going about it the wrong way by continuing to try and find a doctor who will look at your body and give you an answer which will fit with your seemingly already decided self image. Even if you did get an answer you were happy with i'm not sure it'd be the epiphany or revelation you're hoping for to solve the problems you feel you face. Seems you'd probably get far more mileage from seeking out medical professionals who could help you with the mental side of things and getting some proper help to deal with your issues of self image, acceptance, self harm, suicide etc. Having said all that I do also think that a forum such as this is not really the ideal place for a discussion such as this, especially when it descends into numerous threats of suicide. I know the mods, and everyone else here, want to be supportive but imo there's a point where the discussion is no longer appropriate.
This x1000. Threats of suicide can only be seen as a desperate cry for attention at this point, yet you seem to be desperate to push away anyone who tries to help you. I'm no psychologist, but it sounds to me like your real issues are far more deep rooted than anything you have described regarding your medical condition. Anything a doctor says about that now isn't suddenly going to make everything better for you.
You seek a better understanding of your body and that is fair enough. But this knowledge is not going to fundamentally change anything one way or the other. It may help ease your suffering, and it may not. My only suggestion would be to get counselling alongside whatever else you decide to do so that you are better equipped to deal with your life, whether you get the answers you seek or not.
My IS has been the main issue troubling my life from a very young age. It has kept me isolated, misunderstood and an outcast. By slaying that dragon I can deal with my youth and everything. Talking about my youth at this point will just bring back the IS issue. And yes, I have tried counseling. I do not expect the people here to understand this. My family and my friends do understand this and fully support me in my choice.
At a very young age you wouldn't have even been very aware of gender identity. Your genitals would not yet have failed to develop fully into adulthood. There would not yet be an IS issue. What do you mean, bring back the IS issue? You mean the IS issue that is dominating every aspect of your existence and driving you to suicidal despair right now? Doesn't mean you used it. Then why are you posting about this here?
"Slaying the Dragon" Sounds like an awesome solution in theory. But in reality it never works out like that. We all want one simple solution to our problems that we can just go fix it and voila! everything works out well. It's kind of like trying to jump to the top of a 30 foot cliff. Generally all that happens is you jump and hit your face into the side of the cliff and fall back down again. You have to take these things one step at a time, I suppose you could argue that figuring this out is your first step. But history seems to have shown you that this is an awfully damn large first step. After 6 years of trying to take this step, perhaps it's time to take a different approach? Currently, you seem to be trying to create a self image for your self by looking at your body and deciphering the puzzle it is offering you to come up with an answer. But it seems like someone took a good portion of the puzzle pieces and threw them into the fire, leaving you with giant gaping holes in your puzzle. You have a few ways of filling in this puzzle. Right now you keep going around to all the different puzzle repairmen, dropping the pile of ashes that used to be the puzzle pieces and requesting they tell you what they look used like. Naturally, they have no idea what-so-ever and rather risk than damaging their reputation by simply guessing, they give you a few meager extrapolations, and send you on your way. 6 years later, everything is pretty much the same, you have a puzzle, with a large amount of the pieces missing, and a large amount of frustration with all the puzzle repairmen around town. By this time you have looked at the puzzle long enough, you have a pretty good idea of how you want the puzzle to look, weather you realize it or not (You have told us yourself). Why not fill in the puzzle yourself, and craft it in a way that you feel is fitting? Cause if you went to the puzzle repairmen and asked them to instead of trying to guess how it used to be, to instead craft new puzzle pieces per your instructions, they would have no problems as this is known to them. You have told us yourself you feel like a woman. So if I would make an assumption on how to go about this. Your first step would be cementing the idea in your mind that you are female. Which would enable you to start making steps to having your body comply. Go work towards making it fit how you feel about yourself. It's not a sex change, as that would entail having a sex to begin with. It's a sex completion.
You say you tried counselling. But the thing with counselling is that you need to keep doing it. Getting some but quitting it before the issues are dealt with doesn't work. Once those wounds are open you need to continue, to clean them, otherwise it just closes up again with all the bad stuff still inside and nothing changes. Your remarks about ending it all clearly show (to me at least) that you need proper counselling. It is wonderful that you have the backing and loving support of family and friends, and you will need this. But they aren't qualified to help you further than that.
"Seeing every single Dutch specialist say that I can't be intersexual, that I'm just a confused male with gender dysphoria and such." I'm afraid I'd have to agree with Krazeh. I think you need to accept help and accept diagnosis instead of fighting every single one that doesn't fit in the answers you expect. Tbh I don't even know what answer it is you seek anymore. I thought you just wanted to be told/confirmed that you are intersexual, but from what you have said since i don't see how this would benefit you? I can't see it being the end. Did Del stop emailing you? He has far greater idea of this than anyone on this forum.
Kinda feeling the latest blog post is directed towards us, amazing how people react when they hear things they do not wish to.
