Education Ex girlfriends - have you ever gone back?

I'm not talking about just a shag. I'm sure plenty of people have done that. I'm wondering if anyone has actually made a success of it (even if it didn't last forever), or knows someone that has?

Personally, I try to only pursue relationships with what I call "wow" girls. It's easy to get physical chemistry with people and evolutionary psychology clearly has it's own agenda. So, whilst I've never had a one night stand, and my rational mind is not interested in the concept, 3 of the women I've slept with in the past 18mths were just kinda mates who I was sexually attracted to. That situation is not one that I'm particularly proud of, as it gets messy quickly, one way or another.

There was one girl last year though.... She was different, there were several wow moments, but she didn't know what she wanted and neither did I. After only 3mths of having a "proper" girlfriend for the first time in years, she told me she wanted to be single.

This was, of course, bollocks. I was devastated at the time, because I'd really started to fall for her. Things were awkward as we tried to be friends until her bday in March. At which point I finally gave up.

We didn't speak all summer and I grew some balls. More confident, far less of a doormat and spending more time around women, I felt like a different person (and still do, I was a total ***** most of my life and still have that in me).

She got back in touch about two months ago and we've met for coffee a couple times and then she invited me out on my bday last month, with her girlfriends. Had an awesome time (obviously some alcohol was consumed) and ended up staying at hers. Nothing happened, we just slept in the same bed. There's been lots of vibes flying about, but it's all very confused on both sides. Glimpses, rather than a clear signal that she's into me or whatever.

My experiences last year with her, and those this year with myself and around other people, are keeping me cautious. She went to London to stay with a guy friend last weekend and we haven't spoken since. I'm fairly certain that part of her game was to get a reaction from me, but I've not given her it and we've not spoken for a week (not a big deal in itself, but I do like talking to her and being around her).

Right, enough rambling for an OP. Hit me with opinions, observations and questions.....

 

I just posted this in another thread, but have a read.

Here's 1 for you.

My life, @ Late 16 I met my first proper girlfriend (I say this as much before this you have the one night stands, ones that last a week/month. Some girlfriend material, others a bit of fun etc.)
Anyway this relationship was on and off for nearly 2yrs. (First year no probs).
Now my Ex girlfriend got a job where 1 of my friends (So called friends!!) worked.
I worked nights then. 1 night I decided to leave work early to go back to my girlfriends parents house where I was living. To my surprise I walked in on my girlfriend in bed with my mate. (Gutted!!). So a few days later I met up with her best friend. Gave her a good seeing too to get back at my Ex. Now she found out, and as it goes she got jealous about it and...
We got back together (Dumb idea you may say, but I loved her.) Now after someone does this to you, you can't ever look at them the same way!! Now they say; you can forgive, but you will never forget!!.
6 months later, I was out with my friends in the pub. Later they where going to meet up with their girlfriends. I decided I was going to go home...till they nearly gang raped me in the pub lol...so I decided to come along with them. We went to another pub where we meet up with their girlfriends. When we got there, their was this girl that was OMG drop dead gorgeous (She should of been the centre page of the playboy mag.) Now I thought 'She is way out of my league'. So I just carried on drinking with my friends. Then she comes over and said 'are you going to buy me a drink?' Now I turn around and her tits are in my face WOW. (I nearly pre ejaculated lol). I looked up and said sorry I didn't intend to look straight at your...She said so are you going to get me a drink....Come the end of the night we exchanged no. After the night I went back to my Ex (which at that time I was still with her). Next day I got a text asking to meet up with the girl from the previous night. So I agreed and we meet up down the beach. We where sat down there for about an hr in the car, then my Ex turns up (Which at that time I was still with her).
She comes up to my car and said "who's that in your car? I replied " Who are you? she replied "Simon what are you on" I replied "Sorry I don't know you" On that note, I did the window up and drove off. The girl in my car (Kirsty) asked me who was that? I said "A stalker"
To some of you, you may have found that a bit harsh. But my Ex did cheat on me with my friend and that was the last I saw of my EX.
Now nearly 9yrs on I'm still with the same girl (Kirsty) I met that night with a 2yr old daughter living happily ever after.

Cheers for reading,

Simon.

 

After reading your post, I would personally keep away as she seems one of those girls that is just a head f**k.
It seems like she only wants to know you when she is bored. If i was you i would play her at her own game.

Cheers,

Simon.

 

I've never spoken to ex girlfriends after they became ex girlfriends.

I don't believe in the friendship after sex thing, to me the idea is absurd. One of the two involved is going to get far too attached, much to the other ones distaste.

Call me cynical, but if someone emotionally damages you once, there's no reason to believe they won't a second time. Giving people second chances with your emotions is not a great idea, as I doubt it'll do wonders for confidence, emotional sanity, and your ability to trust.

IMO, best idea is to cut the cord and cut it hard.

 

I'm friends with an ex (because we were best friends before) and there's no weirdness anymore. In fact, she often spends the night over and we hang out often. However, we're no longer "best friends".

However, I've never been back with an ex. Typically, when it ends for me, it's over for good.

 

God I wonder what topic this spawned it's evil head from...

Tell you what mate, I agree with it. I only ever go for lasses that "wow" me physically AND mentally. I'm very much controlling with my emotions (been messed about a lot in the past... we'll get to that) and refuse to allow myself to get close to someone unless they have a truly fantastic mind.

For example, me and my long-term girl broke up last... Jan, I made a solemn vow not to fall back into my old habits ("The Hound") as much as possible and live for myself until I find a girl worthy of dating someone as awesome as me (Not that egotistical, but everyone needs a laugh), went out on dates galore with lasses, all of them stunners in their own right, physically... you wouldn't say no, but they always lacked something mentally that attracted me to them further than just a quickie on the side... Met up with an ex- from years ago, hammered on rum I might ask... hey she's got a nice rack what do you expect me to do now? +evil sniggers+ might have happened a couple of times more, then I realised I was all "Houndish" with this and broke it off and walked away with no explination to her (hell she doesn't deserve one) as I was still living for myself.

I'd actually become someone of a recluse, gaming, blogs, Facebook posts here and there as of August and decided to go and party a little... July - September there wasn't a weekend I missed with double hangovers (Where you go drinking Friday and the Saturday in my language), One such party was at a friend called Dave's who was intent on chatting up this lovely young blonde lass. Dave, is one of my best friends and has an unfortunate habit of latching onto a lady and trying it abit to hard, he doesn't notice mind and failed as such. I spoke to this lass and got on really well actually, to the point Dave got angry and went and painted some Warhammer upstairs... at a party yes I know, but anyway... Decided I wasn't gonna stay over (Never sleep with them first date rule... even if it wasn't a date, didn't wanna screw this up), bimblled home (still drinking from a bottle of rum, got stopped by the Police who asked me my name, in my drunken rum-fuelled idiocy I declared their car part of the Pirate empire and wandered off home with them laughing at my Jack Sparrow impression.

Woke up the next morn (with a hangover of ultimate smash) and found a friend request AND a message on Facebook, "Hi i'm..." message and a friend request that I happily accepted. Got talking and she turned out to be wicked, at this moment I saw an unread message from my ex- asking for a meeting to 'discuss' things. I responded with "ok, pub at 4 tommorow". Kept speaking to this lass I met at the party though...

My ex- in her infinate psycho/bunny-boiling/psychotwattastical ways is a nutter, I realise this now as all she went on about in the pub (I had beer... four or five to dull her voice out) was what the future held for us... she was my ex-fiancee of at least two years back, I ended up walking out with the thought "NEVER, EVER go back to your ex, they are psycho's and you left them for a reason".

I called the lass from the party and asked could we meet up? We did the next day and went for some scoff after we'd finished work. Met up a few more times... together now and actually dead happy when we're actually around each other (We work dead dodgy shifts).

Moral of the story: Never go back to your ex- they are crazy and stop you finding the things in life that WILL make you happy.

 

I was with the same girl from 16 to 21yrs old, on and off more times than I care to remember. I moved out of home and set up with her at 16yrs old, because her parents had kicked her out. We went through some tough times together, both of us, and I think that gave us the illusion that we were meant to be together. We used to drift apart, both doing our own things for a while, and then get back together, but it was never as good as the first few months we spent together. I was applying for the Army when we split up. She had to come for an interview at the careers office with me, and they asked her a load of questions. She didn't impress and I got told to sort my private life out and come back in 6 months. The Army meant more to me at the time than her, so I called it a day, permanently. I never ended up joining up, but my life was much better out of the relationship, which had turned pretty destructive by then. I was 21, and decided to live life. I had spent the past 5yrs acting like I was in my 30's, worrying about bills etc. when all my mates were doing the usual teenaged stuff. I made a point after that never to go back to old ground. I am friends with some of my ex'es, and I've never just ignored women I had fun with on one nighters. I don't see the point in giving the cold shoulder to ex'es myself, it's just negative crap and a little childish too. If you're big enough to play the man, then you should act the man. Cold shoulders is playground material.

 

Thanks for sharing guys! Some interesting stories there. Stuart, I agree. Any fool can have sex with someone and never speak to them. To address the friends thing - I'm good friends (i.e. no issues, speak on the phone regularly, meet up occasionally) with most of the women I've had any kind of sexual thing with - from a several week fling to a fully fledged relationship. I think you can be friends if you want to and I've proved that it's possible for me.

However, only two women have ever wowed me. The subject of this thread was the second one. The first one was the only time I was completely in love. I guess I'm trying to rationally weigh up the merits of the facts:

1) If she wowed me once, does that mean that the timing was just wrong last year? After all, I'm a stronger, more confident and aware man now.
2) I know she wants something real, and not the immature nonsense that a lot of women I've met/know. That appeals.

 

depending on circumstances and the last relationship you had then i would but for my last moo of a girlfriend i never will and she dosent talk to me anymore not even if i just say hello in the street.

 

tl;dr

Blah blah... "NEVER, EVER go back to your ex, they are psycho's and you left them for a reason" - This.

+1

TSB

 

Nope. /story

 

@okenobi, make your clear and direct move before the guy in london makes his.

 

Gone back twice to the same girl after cheating on her once, telling her i didn't love her once, and almost fighting with her dad (physically) once.

Looking back.....i have no idea why

 

Out of several relationships I am only friends with 3 of my ex's. One was more of a fling type thing (we both wanted some fun, that was about it) and she is now happily with a good friend of mine as a result of them getting to know each other after our fling ended. Win in my book, got another good friend and one of my best and oldest friends is deliriously happy with 2 kids.
Another was almost the same situation but after a relationship of over a year which ended rather messily (she bottled me on new years eve, yeah ended very badly) but one of my other friends was a godlike mediator and they ended up together with all of us still being friends. Now that i actually think about it consciously its rather strange and a little creepy but hey, all buds now, all good.
The last (which is actually the first chronologically but hey, i'm writing this) ended amicably with us both just drifting apart and deciding it was best to go our separate ways.
I am now 7.5 years into a relationship with a woman who is 20 years my senior and yet looks younger than i do and we have so much in common its scary. We always have things to talk about and do together. Its absolutely perfect and in those 7+ years we have had exactly 4 arguments, none of which could even come close to be relationship threatening.

As for your situation its clear to me that she is playing some games; almost as if she is testing both you and the other guy to see who is going to make the extra effort to keep her. That doesn't bode well to me. A relationship started on those grounds (whether you have history or not) is doomed to failure since it will always be hanging over you that she is with you because you tried harder, not because she wants you more.

Keep searching. You will find the right person for you. Go to mroe places which are of specific interest to you (and i don't means pubs/clubs). My fiancé and I met at the reading festival, matching musical tastes and camped in the same spot due to some mutual friends. Music, books, movies, games, anything. So long as it could always be a discussion point (you dont have to 100% agree, just so long as it keeps the intellectual stimulus. My missus like ska-punk for christ sake but already likes NIN ). It IS hard, can be very disheartening sometimes but in the end it really IS worth it. I have 9 years of failed relationships to look back on and think 'Well now i know it was wrong because now it is right.' Everything is a learning curve but every curve has a peak.

 

[CLASSIFIED]

john

/edit

I love security clearances.

 

Tried going back to an ex a few times, never worked out. They're your ex for a reason, and that generally is highly unlikely to change. Even if it does, the emotional damage that may have been caused, such as violation of trust, is something that you'll most likely constantly think about.

For example, if she cheated on you and you broke up over it, but got back with her later, you'll probably be thinking in the back of your head "what if she cheats again.. will I know?" or something along those lines.

Being friends with an ex has yielded split results for me.. but best way to deal with an ex is just to let drop off the face of the earth. It's just easier and better for everyone.

 

Thanks for all the replies guys. Quite conclusive.

For the record, I'm not chasing anybody. I'm too old for that. Was just wondering about other people's experiences. I enjoy spending time with her and don't see why I shouldn't, as it is.

The question may or may not come, down the line....

 

The thing is though, we have all pretty much said how we wouldn't cheat on a partner, but how many of us have been put in a serious situation where we had the opportunity. I can't say I have, at least not since I have been married. I believe I would do the right thing, but how do we know for sure until we are in that situation. We all make silly mistakes every day after all. Food for thought I think.

 

I'll never get back with an ex, they're an ex for a reason. It didn't work.

I did it once, and I think we both ended up getting hurt worse than the first time we broke up. Odd thing is we're really good mates now. Non of my other ex's are, can barely be in the same room as them!

 

I wouldn't say never about anything. That's why I asked the question. I have very few blanket policies in my life. Everything is case by case.

I did have an affair with a married woman once though, so maybe I'm just not as "good" as the rest of you