Experts: Forgive doesn't mean forget

Cthippo · 12 Oct 2006

USA Today said:

Clergy and commentators everywhere are lauding the Amish community that is mourning five murdered little girls — and showing forgiveness to the killer and compassion to his family.

Their stunning example makes news because their forgiving qualities appear like a rare, remarkable virtue.

But clergy and scholars who study forgiveness say it is not a saintly act beyond ordinary folks' capacity but rather a vital skill that can be mastered with practice.

"It's so hard for us today because it's not the sort of thing we're used to doing," says Robert Roberts, Baylor University professor of ethics and a member of the Society for Christian Psychology.

"What you see in the Amish community is daily, concerted practice. It's built into how they live and their psychological formation. ... We've gotten away from these attitudes that support being a forgiving person."

Instead of compassion, empathy and an awareness of our own sins, we hold on to our victim status, our sense of entitlement and superiority, he says. Refusing to forgive is a form of self-righteousness.

Also, he says, "people fear if they forgive, they have forfeited justice. That's not true. ... It's not as though the person ought not be held responsible for what he or she has done."

Everett Worthington, psychology professor at Virginia Commonwealth University, was studying forgiveness when he had to confront it himself in a horrifying way: His mother was murdered by a youth who broke into her home and bludgeoned her with a crowbar.

"I could make a decision to forgive this killer. But if he were caught, that doesn't mean there should be no social consequences for his act. ... Justice and forgiveness can work hand in hand."

In the years following his mother's death, he promoted international research on forgiveness, and he edited Handbook of Forgiveness, a compilation of work by 31 researchers assessing 900 articles on the topic, which was published last year.

"It boils down to this: People can learn to forgive... If they do achieve more forgiveness, it will have physical and mental health benefits, benefits to their relationships and perhaps to their spirit as well," he says.

Few people will have to face forgiving a killer, but many will encounter betrayal, neglect and other deep wounds inflicted by family, friends or co-workers, says Rabbi Irwin Kula of New York.

"Forgiving doesn't mean condoning," says Kula, author of Yearnings: Embracing the Sacred Messiness of Life. "It doesn't mean everything becomes all right or that brokenness goes away." Instead, he says, it requires us to "admit the betrayal, admit the brokenness and to make a decision not to put it in a place inside us that will be toxic."

"Forgiving is allowing your personal journey to continue while maintaining trust and hope in other human beings," he says. "It's every bit as hard as we think it is, but if you don't have any practice, it's almost impossible."
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sinizterguy · 12 Oct 2006

Forgiving never meant forgetting - dont need an expert to tell you that.

cpemma · 12 Oct 2006

We've gotten away from these attitudes that support being a forgiving person.
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By a few million years. Jesus really had his work cut out trying to reverse human evolution.

specofdust · 12 Oct 2006

Meh, imo forgiveness is optional. If it works for you, fair enough. I'll stick to grudges while they work for me.

dom_ · 12 Oct 2006

I quote my signature for my opinion, you shouldn't hold grudges or be bitter but great each day with a smile for each day is a new day.

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Cthippo · 12 Oct 2006

dom_ said:

I quote my signature for my opinion, you shouldn't hold grudges or be bitter but great each day with a smile for each day is a new day.
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Amen

Life is short, choose to be happy.

Firehed · 12 Oct 2006

sinizterguy said:

Forgiving never meant forgetting - dont need an expert to tell you that.
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Yeah, the cliché handles it prefectly.

What dom said for the win

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Experts: Forgive doesn't mean forget

Cthippo Can't mod my way out of a paper bag

sinizterguy Dark & Sinizter

cpemma Ecky thump

specofdust Banned

dom_ --->

Cthippo Can't mod my way out of a paper bag

Firehed Why not? I own a domain to match.

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Experts: Forgive doesn't mean forget

Cthippo Can't mod my way out of a paper bag

sinizterguy Dark & Sinizter

cpemma Ecky thump

specofdust Banned

dom_ --->

Cthippo Can't mod my way out of a paper bag

Firehed Why not? I own a domain to match.

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