I separated and got divorced just over 4 years ago, and although I tried to make it as amicable as possible, it turned very nasty. I spent over £15k in legal fee's to get access to see my two boys, and although twice a sheriff court judge issued a court order allowing access and visitation (based upon the report of a court appointed mediator to act solely on the behalf of my kids), their mother never appeared at any of the arranged meetings. Through the process of the divorce, she claimed I was violent (even though I never in 12 years of marriage raised a finger to her), and obtained a restraining order preventing me from going near the property. When I did go to collect some personal belongings, I called the police to inform them so they could attend - she told them that all my computer equipment was stolen from my work, so the police seized it all for 4 months before releasing everything back to me. She even went so far as to claim that I had abused my youngest boy, who is autistic - her own mother testified against her regarding this, and the mediator stated that she was emotionally and psychologically abusing them. Regardless, there wasn't really anything that the courts could do - either give a custodial sentence, or a fine, both of which would have affected the boys, so I agrued against that course of action. The last time I saw them was 8th October 2003. Every birthday and christmas I send cards to them, and send them letters every couple of months, but I have either received no reply, or have receiced the card/letter, torn up and returned to me, usually with a derogatory comment from their mother; I doubt they have ever seen anything that I have sent them. They are now 10 and 11 years old, and may be at the stage of using the internet (when I left, I had set up pc's for them, with parental restrictions, but they both enjoyed using them). I have tried searching for their names (both mine and their mothers maiden name, which she insisted they use once we separated), and have checked out the websites of what was their school; I've also tried searching on myspace, bebo, facebook, etc, with no luck. I appreciate that they may well not be active on the net, but I have no other means of trying to make contact with them. I know it may be a controvercial topic, but does anybody else have any idea's or experience in this? Cheers, Pha3dr0n
I would say if they were teens Myspace or Facebook would be all you needed. Only place I can think a 10 year old would visit is Neopets or Runescape or something. I have low hopes about you finding them this way. Good luck though, as with all men sounds like you've had the raw end of the deal.
IM is the key. Most 11 year olds will have an account for MSN/AIM/ICQ/ETC. I'd suggest phoning their school, explaining the situation, and asking the head teacher to pass on a message to them. Exchange details and it should be smooth sailing from there.
++ to contacting them directly. I'm not sure about going through the school, but you've got parental rights considering you were married, and that should open some doors for you. Perhaps her mother could help, considering she's aware of the history of this case?
That sucks a lot man. My mom actually did a few similar things... she purposely went out of the way to find a caller id display that showed "private caller" (or similar) when a long distance call came in (from dad.) And when we finally had a caller id that did display the info, she said the number was from people she didn't want to talk to (telemarketers, etc.), when in fact it was from Dad. He's just finally almost able to buy a house again, after being driven out of the nice one he had way back, along with his rare corvette. But things are better now that they have been apart for a while and gone their separate ways. I'm older now, and realize it was indeed for the best, because if they were together, they'd have yelled at each other, and had fights about silly little things a lot. It's also pretty pathetic that her own mother testified against the mother. Pretty crap how courts deal with this stuff. I haven't seen one family split up, with the kids going with the father. When in fact the father usually has a higher paying job, and more capable emotionally and otherwise supporting a family than a mother usually is in a divorce situation. I hope for your sake, and your kids sake that they find you and realize one day the horrible things their mother has been doing. I still relate and talk to mom, visit with her, go for dinner. She has changed a lot since then. It's taken time for her to "grow up". You could also try nexopia. It seems pretty popular over around here. And I agree with facebook. Anyways, I hope for all the best for you and your family. EDIT: Just curious... was she ever involved with drugs / alcohol. That always has sway in a court for where the kids go. EDIT2: I suppose I should also add that I've got a great relationship with dad, and that I chose to move to his place once I was of the age I could choose (15 at the time). I was always like dad, and it seems to me I was given unfair treatment compared to my brother. Allowance was smaller, even though I was older and did more work (ok... all the work, sans watering plants which was easy), curfew times, having toys stolen from my room, less computer privileges, etc. This was all because I was supposed to be older and more mature than my brother and therefore more capable to deal with it because he needs special attention. (he had add, adhd, asthma, and I had none of that.)
Don't get your hopes up over that - in our case it took way more than that before my son came to live with us permanently. Courts can consider the wishes of a child over a certain age though.
thing is Pygo the stereotypical view of a divorced father is that he must of hit his wife and/or kids, or been an alcaholic or something. Shame really because many of the times it's the mother that's causing the problems (like the examples in this thread) Wish you good luck pha3dron
if you know the old school that they went to explain the situation to them if you have paper work proving you have visitation rights take that along so prove it as your ex has probably told the school that you were not allowed contact because you were violent (i know you said you weren't but the school will only have heard her side of it) then explain that she has vanished with the children as by law the school would have had to forward on their school records to what ever new school that they went to especially for the eleven year old as he should now have started secondary school. At least that way you will know what school they now go to. (I wouldn't suggest going to the new school though as they would probably tell your ex that you had turned up asking to see the children) you could also try their old GP'S as if you did not have your parental rights removed you should be able to ask to see the children's medical records (you may need to pay for that) and if they have forwarded the records to a new GP then they must have the address at which point you go to the new GP'S and again ask to look at their records on the front of which should be their new address.
In reply, she rarely drank and never did drugs (that I know of). I previously tried to contact her mother so that I could send christmas presents to her to give to the kids for me, but she refused. She want's to support her daughter, and only testified against her because she felt that her daughters attempted character assasination of me was too much. As regards the marriage ending, the relationship had been dead for years before the split - I spent the last four years sleeping on the couch, and tolerating constant abuse from my wife - she was kinda prone to throwing things at me, and I still have a few scars to bare witness! I possibly could have tolerated the situation longer, but I was in the middle of a depressive episode at the time, and figured enough was enough. When I left, I took all the matrimonial debt with me, so that she wouldnt be burdened with it (had to sign a Trust deed - an insolvency order because I couldnt afford it); I took nothing out of the house apart from the few clothes that she hadnt burned, and my pc equipment (which I received back from the police after they investigated her claim that I had stolen it all from my work, and also having to be investigated by the audit dept of my work). During the court sessions, she had legal aid, and I didn't, so there were many occasions where she would cancel on the day of an appearance, knowing that I would still be charged for my lawyers time. After leaving I spent 2 years living with my parents coz I was bankrupt and couldnt afford anywhere else. I'm still bitter that someone that I spent 12 years of my life with, and had 2 kids with, could turn out to be so twisted. It's an experience that still lingers with me every day. My fear at the moment is that I might not even recognise my own kids if I saw them. the only pics I have of them are 4 and a half years old. My hope is that some day they will want to find me, and make contact with me, but I dont know to what degree their mother has poisoned them against me. Maybe only time will tell.
Good luck in finding them, but I must say that you should be cautious about approaching them on the net. Your ex sounds like she will go to any means to make your life misery. If she found out that you were talking to them on the internet she could easily twist that and get you in all kinds of trouble. If you want to send them letters you could try sending them to their schools. They will be impartial, or at least they should be.
I'll be totally honest here, and I'll say this. If I got married to someone like that, they would end up in a bad shape, period. You sound like a very decent guy, and I'm sure your kids want to see you too, unless your wife has brainwashed them. Anyway good luck, and I hope something good comes out of this!
Phaedron, we have more in common with every post you make! I sh** you not! (I'm short on time here, so I'll make this brief) Firstly, I'd avoid pushing a motion through the courts if it will cost your more than it already has. The grief your wife is causing you is inexcusable and it's very unfortunate for you to have to deal with her when you want to reach your kids. From the sounds of it, your kids seem to have parted you in good standing, unlike her, so I doubt they've forgotten their father so quickly; I just hope she hasn't brainwashed the little ones about you. Your best bet now is to maybe enlist the help of a family friend who is trusted by both sides to act as a proxy so that your communications will at least reach your kids. Hopefully your ex-wife will not be bitter enough to evict even a family friend if she's too suspicious. Best wishes
If everything you say is true then i say you should get some legal advice on how to enforce your visitation rights.
People are naturally curious as to who their parents are, especially since you are their father and they are boys. I think in time they will try to contact you. Although I cannot begin to think of the psychological ramifications the mothers abusiveness and not having you able to visit will take. I really hope things will work out for you in the end. This is a terrible situation to be in. Also if you know what school they are at you can usually use that to find them via networking sites like Facebook. Since you are allowed visitation I would try to get a hold of them, and then pick them up from school(usually police officers at schools in case she throws a fit), also make sure the school has a copy on file of your court order.
I honestly consider myself lucky when my parents divorced, there was no legal battle, no fights, nothing. Everything is partial/shared custody and if there is a disagreement my dad/mum talk it out and come to a conclusion. If you want to track down your kids then i would say use an IM program or myspace/facebook. Sorry to here about your custody issues.
I think using facebook or such would just freak them out. I think they are at a too young age to realise that you could really be their dad, might seem stalkerish. I think it would be best if you showed up at their school or something and talked to he headmaster about the situation and ask him if you could get a couple hours each week to talk to them to build up the relationship. Tell him not to tell his mother and explain that you two had a fight but dont go into the details or he might get mad at her. I would advise to talk to one child at a time and really take your time to get to know them. Then once they trust you and they are a little older, you can go on an outing with them, to a amusement park or something. Then once they are old enough to stand up for themselves, they can tell their mother that they know about you and that they want to go visit you. She will have to comply as she cant tell them what to do anymore. Good luck, keep us posted about what happens PS: i dont think facebook would be the right place, its for older people. Myspace, bebo or hi5 would be your best bet.
Somewhat innappropriate...? On the subject at hand though, I can't say I have any suggestions, but I really do hope you succeed in what you want to acheive, this is such a sad story
Unfortunately it is a very common one. Once the boys get older, they will hopefully want to know more about you. It all depends on how she treats them, along with brainwashing. For what it's worth, my brother won't even speak a word to mom anymore. She had him thinking that Dad was the most horrible person ever. My brother now needs permission from both parents to marry (his wife to be has a wonky religious belief) and he still hasn't spoken to mom about it. Luckily I was neglected enough that I could see how good Dad really was. Again, I wish you all the best.
That won't work. There is absolutely no way any school will get itself involved in a tricky situation like this, especially since they cannot know what is really going on. They will simply argue that they have to respect the wishes of the guardian of the children and point you back to the courts. then they will phone the mother. I think Mathmarouder is right. At the moment your children are too young to be accessing the internet in any organised way (through Facebook, MSN or anything like that). Moreover, even if you did manage to contact them via the internet, they would find it difficult to keep their interactions with you a secret from their mom. They will feel loyalties towards both parents, and it is not fair to put them in such a dilemma at this age. My guess is that as they get older (mid- to late teens) they will get curious and want to know about their dad. They will start looking for you. All you can do is be there for them when they find you, and let them draw their own conclusions. I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear right now. But right now you need to focus on sorting yourself out. When you are in a good place again, you are in a better position to be a dad to them when the time comes that they need you to be.
