Oh man, I've given out too much rep in the last 24 hours to properly show my appreciation for some of the posts in this thread
Don't worry about telling everyone that the FBI wanted you. If they decided not to take you after making this public, i'm sure that you could still apply for the Canadian version of the FBI...
I'm sure once it ceases to be a problem, spam will become an immense curiosity to anthropologists and linguists of the future. It's just incredible. I want to meet the humans that're responsible for its creation.