A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
I know how much you guys love pirates.... Joke 1 A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks. The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?" "Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand." "Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?" "A sea gull **** in my eye," the pirate replies. "You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks. "Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook." and here's today's joke Joke 2 A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door. In walks her husband’s friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband’s in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me." She’s offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I’ll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts." Now she’s really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door. Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty. "Who was that?" the husband asks. "Oh, that was just Ben," the wife answers. "Ben?" the husband says. "That son of a bitch owes me 800 bucks!" BONUS JOKE A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We’re not even moving." Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer…what’s the holdup?" "It’s O.J. Simpson," says the cop. "He’s all depressed. He’s lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire, because he doesn’t have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. I’m walking around taking up a collection for him." The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?" "So far…ten gallons." Come on guys, post your jokes....... starting tomorrow you'll just be getting clean/corny jokes until people start posting some.
A new set of jokes....a little bit dirty but not as bad as some of the ones before. Joke 1: As the TransCanadian train pulled into Calgary station, a couple of strangers, a man and an attractive woman, boarded the train and asked the conductor if there were any berths left. He said that he was sorry but there was only one left, a double bunk berth. The man turned to the woman and said, "Well it's a long trip, so if you don't mind, why don't we share, I'll take the top bunk and you have the bottom one, is that OK with you?" The woman readily agreed so they settled down for the night. About two hours later, as the train was getting well into the foothills of the Rockys and it was getting a bit cold, the man leaned over the edge of his bunk and said to the woman,"Are you still awake?" She answered "Yes, why?" The man, shivering, said, "Could you pass me that blanket on the dresser there, it's getting quite chilly up here?" The woman answered "I've got a better idea, lets play man and wife!" The man excitedly said "Sure!" So the woman said: "In that case, get your own ****ing blanket!" Joke 2: A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?” The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex. “Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.” The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” “Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?” “Those are for college men.” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.” “WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…” Joke 3: An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week. The teller said, “Fluctuations.” The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, “Fluc you Amelicans, too!”
ok here is one from me. please dont mind my english as i translate the joke from german. The son is coming home from school, goes strait to his dad and asks him if he could explain him the differenc betwen theoretical and practical. "ok my son" says the father. "go to your big sister and ask her if she would sleep for 1000 bucks with a stranger." so the boy goes to her sister and asks her if she would and she says Yes. the boy comes back to his father and says what the sister sad. "so... now go to your mother and ask her the same question." he runs to his mother and asks also her if she would sleep with a stranger for 1000 bucks. the mom replays also with yes. back with his father the son tells him the answer and the father says " so my son theoretecly we got 2000 bucks but practacaly two bitches in the house!"
A gynaecologist decides that he's had enough of looking up the business end of women and needs a change of career. He decides that he wants to become a mechanic. So the gyno goes down to his local TAFE (technical college) and enrols in an engine mechanics course. After doing his training he comes to his final exam - to strip and assemble an engine. After completing this the examiner says to him, "Congratulations, you got 150% on the exam." "150%?" he asks. "How did I get that?" The examiner replies, "Well you got 50% for disassembling the engine and 50% for putting it back together again. I decided to give you a bonus 50% for doing the whole thing through the exhaust pipe."
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his girlfriend's birthday and as they had not been dating for very long, he decided after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right note. Thoughtful, but not too personal. Accompanied by his girlfriends sister, he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time. During the wrapping, the shop assistant mixed up the items. The sister got the gloves and the young man got the panties. Without checking the contents, the man sent the parcel to his girlfriend with the following note: Dear Jane I chose these because you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, the shop assistant I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last 3 weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and although they were a little tight, they looked really smart. She told me that the material helps to keep her ring clean and shiny. In fact she hasn't had to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I could put them on for you, as no doubt, many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will be naturally damp from wearing. Just think how many times my lips will kiss them in the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. Happy Birthday, all my love Stuart xxx PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Ok a real geeky one here: An ASCII character walks into a bar and says to the barman "Double scotch please." and the barman says to him "Having a bad day?". "Yeah, I have a parity error." replies the ASCII character. "Ah" says the barman, "I thought you looked a bit off."
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane 5ex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?", "No, not really, Sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are...
Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realise they're headed straight for the water at the end of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"
JOKE 1 After years of hard work, an ambitious yuppie books himself on a Caribbean cruise. He has the time of his life until the boat sinks and he ends up on a desert island. A month later the man looks out to sea and sees a gorgeous woman rowing to shore. He asks her where she’s come from. “I was shipwrecked last year,” she says. “I’ve been stranded on the other side of the island.” “Where did you get the rowboat?” “I made it out of gum trees and palm branches,” she replies. “But you had no tools!” he says. “I used volcanic rocks to whittle the wood, and eucalyptus jelly as glue.” The woman takes the man to the other side of the island and leads him into an elaborate bungalow with ceiling fans and furniture she made out of vines. The man can’t believe his eyes. They sit down, and she smiles at him. “Now, tell me,” she says, looking deep into his eyes. “Is there something you’ve been desiring while you’ve been alone? You know… ” “Do you mean,” he whispers, “I can check my E-mail from here!?!” JOKE 2 A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed. “Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.” “What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?” “Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours.” JOKE 3 A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just produced “a typical Texas” baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of “Wow!” Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?” The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.” The bartender, puzzled and concerned, asks, “Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.” The Texas father takes a slow swig from his longneck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.” JOKE 4 This guy is flying down the interstate, going way faster than he should be, and consequently he gets pulled over by the state police. When the officer comes up to the window, the man says, “Before you say anything, I should probably tell you that this car is stolen, I have an unregistered handgun in the glove compartment, and there is a dead body in the trunk.” The officer, in absolute shock, calls for backup and within minutes the road is blocked off and there are cops all around. They search the car and find none of the things he said to be true. After investigating, the sergeant approaches the driver and says, “I don’t understand. I spoke with the officer who pulled you over, and he said you told him there was a gun in the glovebox, a body in the trunk, and that the car was stolen. What’s the deal here?” The man stands there dumbfounded, then says, “I bet he told you I was speeding, too, huh?” Joke 5 An old man walks into a doctor’s office and says, “There’s something wrong with my penis.” The embarrassed receptionist leans over her desk and whispers, “Sir, you shouldn’t say something like that in a crowded office.” “What am I supposed to do?” he asks. “You could’ve said you have a problem with your ear and then discussed it with the doctor privately.” “OK, I’ll try again.” So the old man walks out of the office, returns a moment later, and says, “There’s something wrong with my ear.” “OK,” the receptionist says approvingly. “What’s wrong with your ear?” “I can’t piss out of it.”
Here's a few jokes to go on since the forums have been down for a couple of days. JOKE 1 A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I’m so sorry, your duck has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it’s haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!" The vet shrugged. "I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it’s now $150.00." JOKE 2 A wild rabbit is captured and taken to a laboratory. While there he befriends a rabbit who has spent his entire life at the facility. One evening the lab assistant forgets to lock the cage, and the wild rabbit suggests an escape. “I’m not sure,” says the lab rabbit. “This is the only home I know.” “Come on,” insists the wild rabbit. “We’ll get laid all night long.” The lab rabbit agrees, and they hop to a field where they each bonk 50 hottie females. As the sun begins to rise, the lab rabbit says, “I gotta get back to the lab.” “Why?” asks the wild rabbit. “Aren’t you enjoying yourself?” “Yeah, but I’m dying for a cigarette.” JOKE 3 A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. “You’re not from around here, are you, bud?” says the bartender. “No,” replies the guy. “I’m actually from Boston.” “Whatcha do up in that fancy Boston?” asks the bartender. “I’m a taxidermist.” “What the heck’s a taxidermist?” “I mount dead animals.” “It’s OK, boys,” announces the bartender. “He’s one of us!”
Whoa! It's been 8 days since I posted a joke... sorry about that folks. Here's eight jokes to make up for my slack. Come on people, post your jokes that make you chuckle. JOKE 1: Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her, and I'm getting a little desperate." The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27-yrs-old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?" To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours." JOKE 2: A married man goes out for a pack of cigarettes one night, and, since the store was closed and the next closest place open was a bar, he decides to go in and have a drink. After a couple of beers, a young blonde sits down beside him. The two start talking, and end up leaving together. After a long night of sex the man looks at the clock and says, “Oh, my God! My wife is gonna kill me! Quick: Do you have any baby powder?” “Baby powder?” the woman asks. “Yes, here.” The man spreads the powder all over his hands, and drives home. When he gets home, his wife asks, “Where have you been?” He proceeds to tell her about the blonde and the long night of sex. “You expect me to believe that?” she says. “Let me see your hands.” As he puts out his hands, she says, “You liar! You’ve been out with your friends all night bowling again!” JOKE 3: A small company teeters on the edge of bankruptcy and so the owner summons his two-man sales force into his office. “Things aren’t going too well, guys,” he announced grimly. “So to perk up sales I’m announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a ********.” “What does the loser get?” asked one of the salesmen. The owner looked at both men and said, “The loser gets to give it.” JOKE 4: A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?” The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.” The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?” He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for supper?” She screams, “For the fourth time, I said chicken, you deaf *******!” JOKE 5: A son comes home from college to West Virginia and tells his dad about a wonderful girl he’s met. “Dad, she’s fantastic. She’s smart, in great shape, and she’s getting her teaching certificate this spring. I’m going to ask her to marry me, but…” “But what, son?” asks the father. “She’s a virgin.” The father scratches his beard and says, “Son, if she ain’t good enough for her own family, she damn sure ain’t good enough for ours.” JOKE 6: “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I’ve been with a loose woman.” The priest sighs. “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?” “Yes, Father, ’tis I.” “And who might be the woman you were with?” “I shan’t be tellin’ you, Father. It would ruin her reputation.” “Well, Tommy, I’m bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?” “I cannot say.” “Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?” “I’ll never tell.” “Was it Lisa O’Shanter?” “I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.” “Was it Cathy O’Dell?” “My lips are sealed.” “Was it Fiona Mallory, then?” “Please, Father, I cannot tell you.” The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy O’ Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.” Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?” “Five more good leads!” JOKE 7: A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there. Its crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome.So, how are you getting there?” “We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!” “TWA!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?” “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.” “That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome, The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?” “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.” “That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!” A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. “It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited o me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!” “Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.” “Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me.” “What’d he say?” He said, “Where’d you get that shitty haircut?” JOKE 8: One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man. “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” instructed the lawyer. “But, sir, I have a wife and two kids with me!” “Bring them along!” said the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, “You come with us, too.” “But, Sir, I have a wife and six kids!” he answered. “Bring them as well!” answered the lawyer, as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall!”
first, some really bad puns: 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!". 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive." 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nonetheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Once the door closed, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the ******* to death with the chair!" A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon, he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: ******** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! The morals of this story are: 1) Not everyone who drops **** on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep ****, keep your mouth shut
Directions 1. Start at Newcastle Airport. 2. Catch flight from Newcastle to London Heathrow Airport. 3. Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport. 4. Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport. 5. Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International ParkwaySouth" follow for 0.2 miles. 6. Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for 0.3 miles. 7. Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport Exit" - follow for 2.9 miles. 8. Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2 miles. 9. Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles. 10. "US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles. 11. Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles. 12. "US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles. 13. Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles. 14. Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for7.8 miles. 15. Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles. 16. Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles. 17. Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles. 18. Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas". Now that's the way to f*cking Amarillo!!!!!!!! SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW . . .!
"my girlfriend told me she liked me too much to have sex with me. so i pushed her down the stairs and yelled HOW ABOUT NOW BITCH?"
