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LOL Just For Laughs. Jokes & Gags

Discussion in 'General' started by Arthur, 19 Oct 2015.

  1. Arthur

    Arthur Comment is over there ----->

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    Got a joke / gag to tell ?.....put it in here :D

    Here's one...

    Two guys out camping are walking through the woods when a huge hungry grizzly bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

    The bear sees the campers and starts to chase after them. The first bloke drops his backpack, pulls out a pair of Nike trainers and frantically begins to put them on.

    His mate says, "What are you doing? Those trainers won’t help you outrun that bear."

    "I don't need to outrun the bear," the other guy says. "I just need to outrun you."


    Post your jokes then :D
     
  2. David

    David RIP Tel

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    David Cameron walks into a brothel.
    Well, a butcher's store to you and me.
     
  3. Mr_Mistoffelees

    Mr_Mistoffelees Nebuchadnezzar's fixit man.

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    This from Spike Milligan:

    "A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?""

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/5064020.stm
     
  4. Arthur

    Arthur Comment is over there ----->

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    A cannibal flies away for a 2 week holiday.....comes back with a leg and half an arm missing.

    His neighbour asked what the hell has happened !!

    Nothing to worry about says the cannibal.......I went self catering.
     
  5. johnnyboy700

    johnnyboy700 Active Member

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    A cannibal goes to see the local witch doctor with a stomach upset:-

    C - Got a real bad gut ache here

    WD - Hmmmn, eaten anyone unusual recently?

    C - Well there was that big fat missionary that came through here last week

    WD - Describe him

    C - Well, he was big, fat and bald

    WD - Okay, what was he wearing, a big dress?

    C - Yes!

    WD - You said bald, completely?

    C - Well, no. Bald on top with a silly ring of hair round his head.

    WD - Anything else?

    C - Yeah, he tied the dress in the middle with a rope and wore a cross round his neck.

    WD - I see, okay how did you cook him?

    C - Boiled him like I always do.

    WD - Yep thought so. That's your mistake, he was a frier.
     
    Gooey_GUI likes this.
  6. bigkingfun

    bigkingfun Tinkering addict

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    Maybe this should have been in the videos thread?
     
  7. Arthur

    Arthur Comment is over there ----->

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    Went to a cannibal wedding the other week.....a lovely church do etc.....

    In the evening at the reception everyone toasted the bride & groom.
     
  8. Behemoth

    Behemoth Timelord in training

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    Bad joke(s) alert !

    Whats the difference between a Chav and a Coconut ? One's thick and hairy, the other is just a Coconut.

    Two Chavs in a car, no music playing, whose driving ? The Police.

    What do you a Chav having an abortion ? Crime Stoppers !

    Two Chavs jump of Beachey Head, who wins ? Society !

    3 Chavs in a Corsa, the Corsa is going over the edge of a cliff, why is that a shame ? A Corsa seats 4 !

    Whats the difference between a Chav and a park bench ? A park bench can support a family !

    I'll get my coat :)
     
  9. Ryu_ookami

    Ryu_ookami I write therefore I suffer.

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    I had twelve bottles of whisky in my cellar, and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each bottle down the sink or else. So I said I would, and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

    I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the drain with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted tho cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

    I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass which I drank; pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw tho rest down the glass.

    I pulled the sink out ot the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drank and drinked the pour.

    When I had every one emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, and glasses, and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again and finally had all the houses in one bottle which I drank.

    I was not under tho alcofluence of incohol, as some theople pink I was.

    I was not as thunk as you might drink. I felt so feelish, I didn't know who was me, and the drunker I stood thero the longer I got.
     
  10. Xir

    Xir Well-Known Member

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    Best and most recognisable part :D
     
  11. Ryu_ookami

    Ryu_ookami I write therefore I suffer.

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    I never claimed it was original or even mine lol
     
  12. Behemoth

    Behemoth Timelord in training

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    What do you call 2 Chavs on a bike ? Organised crime. . . .
     
  13. Arthur

    Arthur Comment is over there ----->

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    I telephoned the spiritual leader of Tibet last friday for a chat and today I took delivery of a big goat like animal with a long neck....

    Turns out I had called Dial a llama by mistake.
     
  14. Porkins' Wingman

    Porkins' Wingman Can't touch this

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    I was just about keeping it together until this...
    Commence snorting.
     
  15. Ryu_ookami

    Ryu_ookami I write therefore I suffer.

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    What do you call a chav in a box?

    Innit.

    What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?

    Sorted

    What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it?

    Safe.

    What do you call an Eskimo chav?

    Innuinnit.

    Why are Chavs like slinkies?

    They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

    What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?

    The bride.

    You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?

    It might be your bike.

    What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?

    What you bleedin lookin' at?"

    How many chavettes does it take to change a lightbulb?

    One, they'll screw anything.

    The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
    The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
    The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
    The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
     
  16. Behemoth

    Behemoth Timelord in training

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    A chav is a sat at a bar when this really camp, gay man walks in. He sits next to the chav and has a few drinks. Anyway, a little later on when he's a bit drunk he leans to the chav and whispers " how about a *******?", the chav goes mad and starts hitting him over the head with his stool and drags him outside. The chav then comes back in and starts drinking his pint again. The barman asks, " I see you in here everyday and you never act like that. What did he say to make you so angry?", the chav replies " dunno something about a job."
     
  17. Arthur

    Arthur Comment is over there ----->

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    3 fellas who have been shipwrecked on a desert island for the last 5 years stumble upon a magic lamp half buried in the sand.

    One of them picks it up and rubs it with his arm......big puff of smoke and there before them is a genie.

    "I grant you one wish each" says the genie.

    First guy wishes he was back home with his family......in a puff of smoke he is gone.

    Second fella wishes the same....puff of smoke......he has gone.

    Third guy looks at the genie and says he is very lonely and he wishes both his mates were back.
     
  18. Arthur

    Arthur Comment is over there ----->

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    A fella walks into a pub with a big lump of ashphalt under his arm, goes to the bar and says "pint of lager please."

    Barman says "one for the road ?"



    Hired an odd job man to fix a few things around the house and garden.....gave him a list of 12 things that needed doing.

    When I got back from the shops he'd only done 1 , 3 , 5 , 7 , 9 and 11.
     
    Last edited: 22 Oct 2015
  19. Arthur

    Arthur Comment is over there ----->

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    Quasimodo returned home after a hard day's bell-ringing.....

    On walking indoors he noticed the chinese wok was on the kitchen table.

    "Oh good, are we having Chinese for dinner?" He asked his wife...

    "No" she replied "I'm going to iron your shirts"
     
  20. ElThomsono

    ElThomsono Well-Known Member

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    A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

    "Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

    "Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit me leg. But the surgeon fixed me up, and I be fine, really."

    "Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

    "Aye," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and me hand was cut off. But the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I be feeling great, really."

    "Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
    "Arrh," says the pirate, "One day when I was swabbing me deck, some gulls were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them--arrgh, he, pooped--in me eye."

    "So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from that!"

    "Well," says the pirate, "'Twas me first day with me hook.”
     

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