Discussion in 'General' started by Arthur, 19 Oct 2015.
What's red and invisible?
What long hard thing does a Polish Man give his new wife on their wedding night ? His surname !
Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.
"What a feat!" said the Emperor.
"Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * swish! * swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.
"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor.
"How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"
The Jewish Samurai, Schmuel Obi-wan Feinsilber, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly. He drew his samurai sword and *swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment. The Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead?" replied the Jewish Samurai. “ Dead is easy. But circumcised … ?"
Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Pat: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Pat: - Er ... mmm ...... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Pat: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ...... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?
Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Pat: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Seamus: - What's that then?
Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Seamus: - Nope
Pat: - Well then, you're a w***ker
A little boy and his mother are in church when suddenly the little lad starts to feel sick.
His mother tells him to go throw up in the bushes behind the church.
When the little boy returns, his mother asks him if he threw up.
"Yes" the boy says. "But I didn't have to go all the way around the back".
There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick'.
An alien walks into a pub walks up to the bar and says "drinks all round".
Half our later......same again....."drinks all round".
Everyone in the pub is loving this.
This goes on for most of the evening......."drinks all round".
At closing time the landlord says to the alien that it's time to settle the bar bill.
The alien asks how much is the bill.......
"£955.87" says the landlord....
"No worries mate" says the alien.....got change of a Zod ?.
A little lad arrives home from school carrying a sofa and two chairs on his head.
His mum asks him where on earth he got a sofa and two chairs from...
The lad says that some bloke down the road gave them to him.
His mum says "What have I told you about accepting suites from strangers?"
A joke all in it's own
A guy goes to see a Psychiatrist and the specialist asks him whats up.
"I am a rottweiler, and I am going to bite you" says the man....
Hop onto the couch and lets take a look says the doc.
"I'm not allowed on the couch" says the man.
An English, Scottish and Irish team were climbing Mount Everest in a race.
The English team made it to within 15,000ft from the top then radioed Base Camp to say bad weather had forced them to quit.
The Scottish team made it to 25,000ft but had to radio and admit defeat due to frostbite.
Finally the Irish team radioed down 100ft off the summit......
"Hello down there, we are calling off the climb".
"Oh, sorry to hear that"...."What's the problem?"....."Weather? Frostbite? Oxygen?"
"No, nothing like that, we've run out of scaffolding".
Got a job as an abseiler's assistant.
Just learning the ropes at the moment. Lot of hanging about also.
Its not April first today is it? Checks to make sure..., nope.
Just goes to show that sometimes real life can be funny as well.
A builder goes into a cafe for a fry up....
He says "2 sausages burnt at both ends and raw in the middle, 3 rashers of bacon raw & cold, cold beans, and 2 fried eggs snotty side up on a bed of 2 burnt toast please"
Bird behind the counter says "sorry mate we dont serve food like that here"
Thats strange he says.......that's what I had yesterday.
I took the dog out for a walk at the weekend and, as I passed the cemetery, I saw a bunch of pall bearers carrying a coffin for almost the full length of the graveyard. A half hour later, on my way home, I saw them again walking in the opposite direction, still carrying the coffin.
I thought to myself: "they've lost the plot".
Batman & Robin were sitting in the batmobile when a steam roller ran right over the car....
They are now known as Flatman & Ribbon.
Oh dear that was bad !!!
Bit like your chav jokes.......only I didn't point it out
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman have all been sentenced to death by firing squad.
Englishman is tied to the post.....load......aim.....
Englishman shouts out "FLOOD" and all the soldiers run off and he escapes.
Scotsman is tied to the post.....load.....aim.....
Scotsman shouts out "EARTHQUAKE" and all the soldiers run off and he escapes.
Irishman is tied to the post......load......aim.....
Irishman shouts out "FIRE".
I got in a cab last night and said, "56 Moor Street please, pal."
He said, "Doing anything nice?"
I said, "Well, actually mate, I'm going to see a woman I met on one of those adult singles sites where married people meet up for sex."
He said, "I wouldn't do it if I were you."
I said, "Why not?"
He said, "Because I live at 56 Moor Street."
Saw my Korean neighbour taking her dog out last night....
"If I was you I would use oven gloves" I said.
One Tory politician to another "We are all in this together"
Separate names with a comma.