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LOL Just For Laughs. Jokes & Gags

Discussion in 'General' started by Arthur, 19 Oct 2015.

  1. Unicorn

    Unicorn Uniform November India

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    Back in 2012 when I was at the Olympics in London, I saw a man in the car park of the stadium carrying a long pole. 'Are you a pole vaulter?' I asked him. He replied 'no I'm Polish, but how did you know my name was Vaulter?'.
     
  2. Kronos

    Kronos Well-Known Member

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  3. cjmUK

    cjmUK Old git.

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    It's a Chic Murray joke (often quoted by Billy Connolly), but you got it slightly wrong:

     
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  4. Behemoth

    Behemoth Timelord in training

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    A friend of mine got kicked out of Wimbledon last month. I can't quite see what he did wrong personally. He said he only asked Maria Sharipova to sign his balls.
     
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  5. Unicorn

    Unicorn Uniform November India

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    Holy crap, I must have typed that in a hurry or got distracted by something halfway through! :duh:
     
  6. Behemoth

    Behemoth Timelord in training

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    Whats the difference between a lentil and chickpea ? You wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on your face.
     
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  7. Arthur

    Arthur Comment is over there ----->

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    Polish fella goes to the opticians for an eye test....

    The optician shows him a card with the letters C W J Z E M B S K I

    "Can you read this Sir" ? Asks the optician....

    "Read it" ? Says the Polish fella.....thats my surname !!
     
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  8. Kronos

    Kronos Well-Known Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  9. Behemoth

    Behemoth Timelord in training

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  10. Kronos

    Kronos Well-Known Member

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    What is Celibacy?
    Celibacy can be a choice in life,
    Or a condition imposed by circumstances.
    While attending a Marriage Weekend,
    my wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
    'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
    things that are important to each other.."
    He then addressed the men,
    'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
    I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently,
    and whispered,
    'Self-raising, isn't it?'
    And thus began my life of celibacy...
     
  11. Arthur

    Arthur Comment is over there ----->

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    Just heard that Madness are going to release a charity single for the victims of hurricane Maria in the Caribbean.....

    Its going to be called.....Our house....in the middle of someone else's street.
     
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  12. Behemoth

    Behemoth Timelord in training

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    David Cameron walked into a Brothel the other week, well a Butchers shop to you and me.
     
  13. stellakelly

    stellakelly New Member

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    Lovely beautiful jokes specially the video D**K
     
  14. B1GBUD

    B1GBUD More Biddy Bang Bang than Sean Paul

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    Just got back from a holiday in Thailand and I came so close to shagging a ladyboy! Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, kissed like a lady... It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage first time I though to myself "Hang on a f***ing minute..."
     
  15. Kronos

    Kronos Well-Known Member

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  16. Kronos

    Kronos Well-Known Member

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    his elderly lady Breanna goes to the doctor for a control.

    Everything check out fine.

    Breanna comes closer to the doctor and says in a low voice, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for ten years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

    The doctor smiles and says, “Have you tried to give him Cialis or Viagra?”

    Breanna frowns. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take an aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimes.

    “Well,I see…” The doctor continues, “I have an idea about it. Crush the pill into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”

    Old lady Breanna is delights.

    She leaves from the doctor’s clinic quickly.

    Weeks later the old lady returns.

    She frowns and the doctor asks to her what is wrong.

    She shakes her head.

    “How did it go?” The doctor asks.

    “Awful, doctor, awful.”

    “Did it not work?”

    “Yes,” Breanna says, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in twenty years.”

    “Then what is the problem, Breanna?”

    “Well,” she says. “I can’t ever show my face in Starbucks again.”
     
  17. Kronos

    Kronos Well-Known Member

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  18. Kronos

    Kronos Well-Known Member

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    The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.
    At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,"Since you've been such a good man and your Motorcycles have changed the world,your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
    Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
    St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
    Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women?
    "God said, "Ah, yes. "
    "Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention."
    God was somewhat taken back, and when He asked what the flaws might be, Arthur Davidson produced a list for Him to read.

    1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions
    2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
    3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
    4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,
    5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.

    "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be true that My invention is flawed... " God said to Arthur.
    "But the last time that I checked, more men are riding My invention than yours."
     
  19. Tynecider

    Tynecider Since ZX81

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    "After 18 years in modern education, Gen-Y became offended by everything"


    Capitalism, Socialism, and Communism have a meeting over lunch.
    Capitalism and Communism arrive on time, but Socialism is nowhere to be found.
    Finally she/he/ze/mammal arrives, out of breath and apologetic. "I'm sorry," says Socialism, "I was standing in line for a coffee."
    Capitalism says - "What's a line?" And Communism says - "What's a coffee?"
     
  20. Kronos

    Kronos Well-Known Member

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    POLICE WARNING:
    Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called ...Beer. The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".
    Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
    A womanneeds only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
    After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
    After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
    At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as a "relationship". In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewed enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
    If you fall victim to this beer and the women administering it..... There are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book
     

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