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LOL Just For Laughs. Jokes & Gags

Discussion in 'General' started by Arthur, 19 Oct 2015.

  1. Kronos

    Kronos Well-Known Member

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    There were these two super-heroes:

    Bruce Wayne (Batman) & Clark Kent (Superman) are relaxing over a beer. Bruce asks Clark "How was your day?"

    CK: I'd rather not talk about it.
    BW: Why's that?
    CK: I was out flying this afternoon & as I went over a cornfield, I saw Wonder Woman naked in a crop circle.
    BW: Wow, what was she doing?
    CK: Just laying on her back with her legs apart.
    BW: Wow, what did you do?
    CK: I did what any other red blooded super-hero would have done. I unzipped & swooped straight down between her legs.
    BW: That must have surprised her.
    CK: It did - but not as much as the Invisible Man..
     
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  2. Arthur

    Arthur Comment is over there ----->

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    Mr Edmonds isn't the only Noel that Keith Chegwin wont be seeing this year...
     
  3. Kronos

    Kronos Well-Known Member

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  4. Kronos

    Kronos Well-Known Member

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  5. Arthur

    Arthur Comment is over there ----->

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    Just been sacked for downloading pornographic images on the works computer that caused everything to crash...


    Didn't like that air traffic control job at easyjet anyway.....
     
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  6. Kronos

    Kronos Well-Known Member

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    A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.

    Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea!

    Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests.

    Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from....
     
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  7. Arthur

    Arthur Comment is over there ----->

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    Went out to the works Christmas do last night....

    first pub I had 10 large Jack Daniels...then slowed down with a couple of fizzy orange juices...

    went on to a nightclub, had a dance then started driving home...

    Halfway home I got pulled over by a copper, got out my car and I heard him saying into his radio...

    "Whiskey....Tango....Foxtrot....

    I wonder how he knew.....
     
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  8. Kronos

    Kronos Well-Known Member

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    FTFY.
     
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  9. Behemoth

    Behemoth Timelord in training

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    Such a sad day. A mate of mine got the sack from his job due to a minor indiscretion. He had sex with a client.

    Such a waste of that time, money and training. I don't know how he will cope as he has a young family to look after and is generally an all round nice guy, and a decent vet.
     
  10. Kronos

    Kronos Well-Known Member

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    Such a sad day. A mate of mine got the sack from his job due to a minor indiscretion. He had sex with a client.

    Such a waste of that time, money and training. I don't know how he will cope as he has a young family to look after and is generally an all round nice guy, and a decent vet.
     
  11. B1GBUD

    B1GBUD ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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    I see you both keep company in similar circles....
     
  12. Behemoth

    Behemoth Timelord in training

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    lol how did that happen ?
     
  13. Kronos

    Kronos Well-Known Member

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    LOL.

    I assume you frequent AV forums. Over there I am Boojum.
     
  14. Behemoth

    Behemoth Timelord in training

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    I don't lol I'm only here or OCuK
     
  15. Kronos

    Kronos Well-Known Member

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    Then that is spooky.
     
  16. Arthur

    Arthur Comment is over there ----->

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    I've gone and bought the wife a new fridge freezer as a surprise Christmas present...

    Cant wait to see her face light up when she opens it..
     
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  17. Kronos

    Kronos Well-Known Member

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    Three guys talking in the pub.
    Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third stays quiet.
    After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
    The third guy says
    "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
    The first two guys were amazed.
    "What happened then?" they asked.
    "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'."
     
  18. Arthur

    Arthur Comment is over there ----->

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    Every day I opened a door on my jehovahs witness advent calendar this year a voice said "fu*k off"
     
  19. Kronos

    Kronos Well-Known Member

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    BBC News - Suicide Bombers Go On Strike
    Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with ISIS have so far failed to produce an agreement.
    The unrest began last Tuesday when ISIS announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
    The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
    Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, ISIS chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but ISIS is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
    Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
    According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.
     
  20. Kronos

    Kronos Well-Known Member

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    I just got a new job helping a one-armed typist with capital letters...

    It’s shift work
     

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