LOL Just For Laughs. Jokes & Gags

I was having a pee in the swimming pool today. Flipping pool attendant saw me and blew his whistle that loud I nearly fell in.

 

I've got two old school bags that I really love, does that make me bisatchel?

 

Someone threw a piece of cheese at me the other day. It wasn't very mature.

 

From the Ethtrader daily discussion thread on Reddit:

Made me for reals LOL, in the office.

 

I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotised seven guys then dropped the mike on his foot and yelled, "**** me."

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

 

Fella near me invented beach sandals for one legged people, it was a flop though.

 

Sad to hear that Roger Bannister has died.....aged 88....

Can't say he didn't have a good run !!

 

Someone told me today that Trevor Bayliss had died as well - I thought it was just another wind up...

 

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One is a big heavy animal, and the other is a little lighter.

 

Funny

 

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."

 

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

 

What do you do if you don't get a spreadsheet joke?

Spoiler

Vlook it up

 

Capitalisation.

The difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

 

Spike Milligan, "“You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States. ”
Good enough for the Donald.

 

My next door neighbour has been blaring out Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra records constantly for the last 7 days...

I think he may have the crooner virus !

 

"A guy came up to me and said, 'Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt.'
I said, 'Yeah. I bet she can sit down excellently.'"
- Mitch Hedberg

"If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive...
they would eventually start finding me attractive."

"What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws, the other is a pause at the end of a clause."

 

Sometimes too true to even be funny.

 

I think the guy I bought my new shoes from is a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all morning.