I was having a pee in the swimming pool today. Flipping pool attendant saw me and blew his whistle that loud I nearly fell in.
I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotised seven guys then dropped the mike on his foot and yelled, "**** me." What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Someone told me today that Trevor Bayliss had died as well - I thought it was just another wind up...
What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? One is a big heavy animal, and the other is a little lighter.
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
Capitalisation. The difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Spike Milligan, "“You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States. ” Good enough for the Donald.