1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Lost my bro

Discussion in 'Serious' started by Motoko, 14 Nov 2009.

  1. Moyo2k

    Moyo2k AMD Fanboy

    Joined:
    11 May 2009
    Posts:
    1,482
    Likes Received:
    52
    This comment is beautiful and quite frankly the best advice anyone can give you, if doesn't reduce the feeling of loss, only YOU can do that, but just follow what Nexxo said and you will get through this, when you come out the other side you can look back at what you had with your brother and know he is still with you, just not physically, in memory - he is immortal
     
  2. Smilodon

    Smilodon The Antagonist

    Joined:
    25 Mar 2003
    Posts:
    6,244
    Likes Received:
    102
    My condolences! :(

    I can't imagine how that must be. There are no words to describe stuff like that, really. Just remember to take care of of yourself and your family. Not much else to do.
     
    mvagusta likes this.
  3. Smilodon

    Smilodon The Antagonist

    Joined:
    25 Mar 2003
    Posts:
    6,244
    Likes Received:
    102
    Ok, a little bit of advice from my part.


    A colleague recently lost his daughter. Turns out a very good friend (and neighbor) of his daughter knocked her out and strangled her to death.

    Of course this is very difficult for the families affected and the community around them.

    The told us that the best support he could get was for us to act normally. Don't be afraid to talk about it, basically. The worst we could do was to just pretend that it didn't happen. Everybody know what happened, and it really is difficult so there is no point in trying to hide it.


    To me this sounds very reasonable and something that you could also try. Talk to people around you. Make them understand how you feel, and get them to understand that it's OK to talk about it. (When you feel that you are ready for it, of course)


    Note that i speak from experience as a bystander, and not as someone directly affected.


    edit: Sorry about posting two posts in a row. Didn't realize I was the last to reply. :eek:
     
  4. TheMusician

    TheMusician Audio/Tech Enthusiast/Historian

    Joined:
    13 Jul 2009
    Posts:
    573
    Likes Received:
    32
    My condolences. I'm sorry for your loss.
     
  5. Elton

    Elton Officially a Whisky Nerd

    Joined:
    23 Jan 2009
    Posts:
    8,577
    Likes Received:
    196
    My Condolences, and really, don't bottle it in, just stay strong and talk to someone about it.
     
  6. MorpheusUK

    MorpheusUK a Noob that knows something

    Joined:
    24 Sep 2009
    Posts:
    111
    Likes Received:
    3
    Hi from a stranger and sorry for your families loss. I can't imagine the pain you going through but if I may, here are some words of advice and encouragement.

    Not knowing the circumstances surrounding the loss of your brother all I can say is, you probably feel your whole world has changed and you don't know what to do, you probably feel it's not fair and your brother was a wonderful person with their whole lives ahead of them. There may be times when you feel guilty for being the one who lived on, and you ask yourself why. Don't blame yourself, others have felt this way too, you life goes on and these feelings will lessen. You may feel there is an emptiness in your life and a feeling for things be the way they were before but these feelings will lessen. You are not alone even though you feel like you are, it's great you posted and what I can say is you can only see the support from the replies.

    Importantly what to do when coping with the death of a sibling is to talk about it, it's important that your thoughts and feelings come out. Talk to someone you trust. You may feel you can't talk to your parents as they are hurting as well and you don't want to add to their grief. Find another relative like an aunt or uncle a pastor or spiritual leader or teacher who will take the time to listen.

    You need to let it out, if you don't the feelings will come out in other ways, be it physical ways like aches and pains, sore throats, head aches, restlessness sometimes anger, short temperedness and irritability. To cry is not being weak; it's healthy and will help with the healing process along with speaking about it.

    When someone close to you dies, it's natural to want to blame someone or something for their death. You may feel someone should be held responsible for the death. This is a natural response. If you find yourself being angry at the smallest things or your getting into arguments or fights with people, it's probably because you are keeping the anger inside. You need to find someone that you trust who you know will listen and share your grief. Talking about it is very important when dealing with death.

    Please do find someone you can talk to, do not bottle it up inside, it may grow into an ugly monster and will eventually come out one way or another.
    Feel free to keep posting on the forums but speaking out the words loud to someone is the best way. If you feel you can't speak to anyone I have a good friend you can contact.
     
    cjmUK and thehippoz like this.
  7. Nexxo

    Nexxo * Prefab Sprout – The King of Rock 'n' Roll

    Joined:
    23 Oct 2001
    Posts:
    34,540
    Likes Received:
    1,929
    ^^^ Great advice here.

    As an addendum: grief is personal. It is good to talk but don't feel you must in order to grieve "properly". There are many ways to work through your grief; the important thing is to experience it and work through it rather than to avoid, deny or suppress it. It is not unusual for people to have cognitive grief experiences: thinking you heard him call your name; thinking you saw a glimpse of him in a crowded street. Your subconscious processes, like the conscious ones, need to get used to the change of him not being there anymore.
     
    mvagusta likes this.
  8. Haramzadeh

    Haramzadeh Son of Sin

    Joined:
    8 Sep 2008
    Posts:
    171
    Likes Received:
    4
    I'm really sorry for your loss. Its the worst when a young man like that has to pass away. Be strong and live the best life you can for him and his memory.
     
    mvagusta likes this.
  9. dark_avenger

    dark_avenger Minimodder

    Joined:
    9 Jul 2008
    Posts:
    1,117
    Likes Received:
    47
    sorry to hear about your loss mate, is never an easy thing.

    Going to sound like a broken record but just as everyone else has said don't bottle it up, talk about it and face it head on.
     
    mvagusta likes this.
  10. Motoko

    Motoko What's a Dremel?

    Joined:
    8 Jul 2009
    Posts:
    222
    Likes Received:
    9
    wow guys, thanks for the replies especially MorpheusUK and Nexxo, very helpful thoughts.

    I've been ok the past few days, been kept busy, never had so many people coming round my house, the house is hardly empty, being from an Italian background, there's been so many family and friends here every day.

    On Monday we went to my brothers school because his friends had arranged a memorial for him over the weekend. It was awesome, everything they came up with in such a short amount of time was amazing. I felt very proud and happy because I learnt a lot more about my brother which only his friends got to see and know.

    About his death, we do not know at the moment, it was very sudden, he collapsed with heart problems.

    I've been talking a lot more now, recalling memories and such. Though I did go to university today and I felt my self get very frustrated and angry at other drivers fairly quickly on the commute, which although I did before I actually thought to my self I have got more angry.

    I have been helping my parents with funeral arrangements as well which is obviously totally new to me, but it kinda helps thinking of it as closure.

    I'm sure things will change but for now I feel better,

    thanks
     
  11. mars-bar-man

    mars-bar-man Side bewb.

    Joined:
    17 Apr 2009
    Posts:
    7,356
    Likes Received:
    276
    I'm sorry to hear that man. My condolences go out to you.

    I don't have any advice to offer, I have never been in your position. Just keep strong, but don't bottle it away.
     
  12. Sifter3000

    Sifter3000 I used to be somebody

    Joined:
    11 Jul 2006
    Posts:
    1,766
    Likes Received:
    26
    I'm sorry for your loss; grief is a terrible, terrible feeling and one that changes everything.

    There is some great advice in this thread, though. One thing I would add though: you also mention being at university; it's worth seeing the Students Union or your supervisor to ask about (grief) counselling - they should provide it for free and it's absolutely invaluable to be able to talk to someone who's not connected to the situation (i.e. they're not friends or family, although you should also talk to them as well).
     
    mvagusta likes this.
  13. rainbowbridge

    rainbowbridge Minimodder

    Joined:
    26 Apr 2009
    Posts:
    3,171
    Likes Received:
    69
  14. bodkin

    bodkin Overheating

    Joined:
    8 Apr 2009
    Posts:
    1,392
    Likes Received:
    74
    Sorry for your loss. Try talking to someone completely different. A pastor or priest is a good choice even if you have no interest in religion, they are used to listing and will have some good advice without involving religion.
     
  15. cjmUK

    cjmUK Old git.

    Joined:
    9 Feb 2004
    Posts:
    2,553
    Likes Received:
    88
    Sorry for you loss. I won't pretend to even begin to empathise with you, because I haven't the faintest clue what it is like - and long may I and others be lucky enough to live in such ignorance.

    Nevertheless, you've had some good advice that I can only echo. I would add that you are also going to have to make accommodations for family and friends, many of whom will be grieving in different ways. Although it's appropriate to be a little selfish in your grieving, your going to have afford some people extra consideration.

    It's good that you have a 'busy' household. My friend lost his first-born a mere 40 minutes after she was born - I didn't have a clue how to react but I went to see him and stumbled through a weekend without putting my foot in it too often, but I didn't really feel that I was any use. But over the years since, he has maintained that my visit did he and his wife the world of good; not because of anything I did particularly, but simply by being there. Apparently they were effectively shunned by friends, colleagues and neighbours who either assumed that they weren't welcome or were too selfish to risk a few awkward moment or a few tears.

    Sounds like this isn't going to be a problem for you, but equally, don't forget to take some quite time-out for yourself when you need it. A lot of grieving is done in the quiet moments when there is nothing to distract you.

    Anyway, good luck and all the best to your family.
     
    mvagusta likes this.
  16. yakyb

    yakyb i hate the person above me

    Joined:
    10 Oct 2006
    Posts:
    2,064
    Likes Received:
    36
    sorry for your loss

    I have always seen death as a great motivator, we should all Live our lives to the fullest, enjoy as many of the few hours we have as much as we can. We should endeavor to succeed at whatever we try to accomplish and be loved by those closest to us. Try to make those around us proud of us and inspire others to achieve more. Treat everyone as equals and remember whom you friends are.
     

Share This Page