A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Why the long face?" A bounty-hunter walks into a sheriff's office in the wild west. He starts to look at all the wanted posters, looking for people he could bring in to claim the rewards. He's seen most of the posters before, except one. "Wanted, dead or alive. The Brown Paper Kid. Reward $5000". So, the bounty hunter turns to the sheriff and says "Well, who's this Brown Paper Kid? I never heard of him". The sheriff replies "Well, no one knows much about him, except he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper boots". "What's he wanted for?" asks the Bounty hunter. "Rustlin' "
i've heard th tramp one and pharmacist ones before but not the baked bean one that was good oh and i heard it with bits and not carrots to Drcheese
I dont know whether you could class this as a joke, but its certainly funny How to tell you're a woman 1. You're a Bitch. 2. When asked 'Is something bothering you?' you reply 'no,' then get pissed off when you are believed. 3. You become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behaviour. 4. You always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening. 5. You always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business. For example, you say 'It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend,' when you mean 'It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend - whether it is possible or not!' 6. You whine. 7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy. 8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend. 9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you. 10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you. 11. You complain. 12. You hate any bar he likes. 13. You demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love. 14. You declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life. 15. Any woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend is labelled a WHORE, and your network of friends is informed immediately to spread this 'fact' as quickly as possible. 16. You make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs. 17. You break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2. 18. You ask for help in some endeavour then become livid when it is given. 19. You insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in. 20. You must have two sets of clothes: your 'Fat Clothes' and your 'Clothes I'm Going to Fit In Someday, I Swear'. Still, you don't like any of them. 21. (Corollary to 4) You have three closets (plus two dressers and six boxes) full of clothes, yet you stand in front of them for three hours before an important dinner declaring, 'I have nothing to wear.' 22. You actually like the Lifetime cable channel. 23. Girls Night Out is a special treat. Boys Night Out is forbidden.
Here's another one too :rofl: Lessons Grown-ups Learn From Kids There is no such thing as child-proofing your house. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh" it's already too late. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. Super glue is forever. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jello. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
hmmm i remember seeing some like the how to tell your a woman one on the techzone forums, i might look it up blonde and women jokes are always funny, even when women don't like them
this is the most replied to thread i have done woooooooo well im still sorting out my jokes to tell on here coz of ppls ages i dont no no 1s age so i dunno if they r suitible but ill get sum more in a day or two
i'm 17 with a dirty mind eheh so just about any joke will go down fine - except ones about dead babies maybe
hehe i am 13. 14 in 2 days!!! and i have a v dirty mind so nearly everything is fine lol cept just plain not nice jokes like dat baby one
from kate, freddys gf A man walking down the street suddenly feels the urge to go to the toilet. He makes his way over to the bathrooms, only to see an 'out of order' sign on the door of the mens toilet. By this time he is close to bursting, and doesnt know what to do. He spots a kind looking woman and asks her for her advice. 'well' she says, 'just this once, you may use the womens toilet, as you are so desperate. But once you are there, dont press any buttons you mights see, just relieve yourself and get outta there' The man agrees to these terms, and enters the womens toilet. When he gets in, its like a toilet paradise. He sits on the loo, and infront of him are 3 buttons. Intrigued, he decides to push the button marked WW. Suddenly a jet of warm water sprays his bottom, and he is amazed - 'womens toilets are great!', he thinks. He decides to press the second button, marked PP. A huge soft powder puff drys the water off his bottom, and the man is in heaven. He looks at the last button marked ATR , and, thinking that this one must be the best one of all, he pushes it... ...when the man awoke, he was lying in hospital, and a nurse was standing by his bed, with a grin on her face. ' What happened?' he said 'One minute i was in the bathroom and now im here!' The nurse began to laugh 'You pushed too many buttons, even though you were told not to. the last button marked ATR is an automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under your pillow'
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !" "Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely. "See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!" "Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender. "Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?" "Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood." "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!" "Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !" The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"
ROFLMAO :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: god i nearly fell of my stool laughing at that one RTT, that was brilliant
A sad looking man walks into a pub and sits at the bar. "Alright mate. You look terrible. What can I get you?" "I'll have a double whiskey." Bar tender gets his drink, and the guy downs it in one. "Get me another" he says to the bartender, and repeats this for another five rounds, before saying, "You know, I really, really shouldn't have done that with what I've got." Feeling sorry for him the bartender asks "What's that?" "Two quid" replies the guy. :rofl: :rofl:
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
