Great Reasons To Be A Guy... Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me." Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. Gas (at either end) is cool. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
Things To Do In An Elevator Mark 1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. 2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones. 4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on. 5) Hold the doors open and say your saiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?" 6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" 7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator. 8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment. 9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play. 10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking. 11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers. 12) Ask, "Did you feel that?" 13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally. 14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!" 15) Swat at flies that don't exist. 16) Tell people that you can see their aura. 17) Call out, "Group Hig!"and then enforce it. 18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!" 19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?" 20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly. 22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. 23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope. 24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on". 26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space!"
would be good to see dom jolly do stuff like that rather than all that other rubbish he does, then trigger happy tv might be funny
trigger happy tv was exceptionally funny, altho it couldn't go on in the same style any longer (presumably why they stopped it) doing things like those lift ones would be hilarious to watch
Here's a few more from the archives... Ive got a poem too, but its probably too rude for the forums... but still its very funny Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat! How many fish do you find in a pair of tights? 5. (2 soles, 2 'eels and a smelly plaice!) Why do women like Newcastle United so much? Because they'll stay on top for ages and always come second. A concerned bloke goes to see his doctor with a rather delicate problem. "Doctor", he says, "I've got five penises!" "Christ man" says the doctor. "How do your pants fit you?" "Like a glove", replies the bloke What do you call a lesbian with big fingers? Well hung. Why are women and condoms so similar? Because they're either on your dick or in your wallet. What's the difference between frustration and panic? Frustration is the first time you discover you can't do it the second time. And panic is the second time you discover you can't do it the first time. What's the difference between erotic and perverted? Erotic is when you use a feather. Perverted is when you use the whole chick. What's the difference between a poof and a microwave? A microwave won't brown your meat. What do Ferroro Rocher and David Beckham have in common? They both come in a posh box. How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? Two- one to do the screwing and one to take the confession
The Female always makes THE RULES. THE RULES THE RULES are subject to change without notice. No Male can possible know all THE RULES. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES. The Female is never wrong. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. The Female can change her mind at any time. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.
In the year of 2013, a boy and his father were walking down the street in New York. They come accross a memorial. The boy looks up at his father and says, "Daddy, whats a memorial?". The father replies "This is a park to help remember the 1000's of victums who lost their lives to Arab terrorists on September 11th, 2001". The boy looks at the memorial a little bit, with a confused look on his face. Then he looks up at his father and says, "Father, whats an Arab?"
A man who was sitting in a bar all day, drinking, walks up to the bar tender and says "I bet you $200, I can stand up on this counter, and piss into a shot glass without missing one drop". The bar tender, knowing this guy was drunk, agreed to the bet. So the drunk guy gets up on the counter, bends over to put the shot glass down, whips out his dick, and starts pissing all over the place. Pissed all over the glasses, the alcohol, EVERYWHERE. Even all over the partender. He finishes pissing, and the bar tender starts laughing. Knowing he just made $200. The drunk guy gets down, and is laughing his ass off. The bar tender looks at him, and says "What the hell is so funny?". The drunk guy says "See those guys over there? I bet them $500 that I would get up on this counter, piss all over the place, and not only would you not be mad, but you would be damn happy too!"
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Two guys are having a drink in a bar at the top of a sky scraper. One guy says to the other "You know, if you go to the side of the skyscraper that the wind is blowing on it, it's strong enough to stop you falling?" The other guy doesn't believe him, so they go out onto the observation deck. The first guy steps over the edge, and stays suspended in the air. After a couple of moments he gets back onto the building, and says to the other guy "See? Why don't you have a go?". So, the other guy steps over the edge, and plummets to his death. Inside the bar, another customer says to the bartender "You know, Superman can be a real ******* when he's drunk".
Theres a bus load'a nuns heading to the Vatacan to wish the pope a happy birthday. Unfortuneately a drunk truck drive crashed into them and every body but the 2 drivers died. All the nuns from the bus were all lined up at the gates of heaven when Peter announced to them all: "To enter the gates of heaven, any part of you that has ever touched a mans penis MUST be blessed with holy water" So the nuns form an orderly que, and the first 3 pass by the gates without stopping. Then Sister Sarah stops next to Peter. Peter tells sister sarah that she cannot pass through the gates of heaven if she does not bless her offending appendages... ...she drawers out her little finger, and dips the tip into the holy water... Peter announces that her sins are forgiven, and she may pass... ...Then Sister Racheal walks up to Peter and stops... Peter tells her the same as Sister Mary and she dips in her whole hand into the holy water, when Peter announces that her sins are forgiven. All of a sudden Sister Mary and Sister Susan come running up to Peter. Peter asks them "what is the matter?", when Sister Mary blurts out... "Please Peter - Let me gurrgle the holy water, before sister Susan sticks her ass in it!"
Guy walks into a bar (do all jokes start this way?), and sees his mate. On walking over, he notices the 1 foot tall midget, sat on the table playing the piano. 'Jesus, that's impressive. Where'd he come from?' says the guy 'That guy sat at the bar is a genie. Tell him and he'll grant you a wish to keep his secret' replies his mate. So over he goes, and tells the genie he knows his secret. And in turn, the genie offers him a wish to keep it quiet. 'I would like... a million pounds!' To which the genie replies, 'it is done!' and snaps his fingers. At this point thousands upon thousands of of hounds come flooding into the bar. Confused the guy goes back to his mate and says 'you know? I think that genie is a bit deaf!' 'Course he is' replies his mate. 'You don't think I actually asked for a twelve inch pianist, do you?' :rofl: :rofl:
