A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for. The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash. The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker head. When finished ,the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard. "See that" said the trucker. The man said "Yeah". The trucker ask the man "You want to try it?" The man said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
Old.. but funny. -- Two army guys are in a bar, discussing their day. "Yeah, so I was out to do my first non combat paracute jump today.." The first explained. "Oh right, how did it go?" asked the second guy. "Not great, I was the last to go and just couldn't throw myself out.. it was pretty embarrasing." "Man, how did the instructor take it?" "Well he wasn't having it and he yelled at me 'Boy if you don't get out that door, I'm gonna stick my johnson up your backside like you were a $30 whore..'" the first said, staring into his drink. Intruiged, the second asked "So, did you jump?" The first replied, "A little at first.."
A lawyer from New York was transfered to a small frontier during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated soley by men. He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?". The cowboy replied, "See them thar'sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one." "That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer. After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed. After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief. The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class." "That ain't the problem.", replied one cowboy, "That's the sheriff's gal you're with."
Similar to... A new officer arrives at a foreign legion outpost in the desert. All goes well for a few weeks until he calls his sergeant into his tent. 'Sergeant..' he asks. 'What do the men do for... companionship?' 'You mean to get sex?' he replies. 'Well... yes' he says sheepishly. 'We just use the camels outside, Sir.' 'Why that's monsterous!' the officer declares. 'Whatever' replies the sergeant, and walks out. After a few weeks however, it is simply too much to bare. So the officer waits for one quiet night and sneaks into the camel pen, stands on a stool behind one, takes his trousers down and... Just then the sergeant walks out and sees what the officer is attempting, and begins to roll about laughing. Other men come out and follow suit. The officer, terribly embaressed, climbs down. 'Stop that!' he squeals. 'Stop that at once. I'm not doing anything you don't do. The sergeant told me so himself!' 'Yes, sir' the sergeant replies, stifling his laughter. 'But we normally just ride them into town and find prostitutes!'
---For good measure--- A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little *******. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his a$$, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Now what?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his a$$, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeep. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nonetheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Once the door closed, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the ******* to death with the chair!"
What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh Spice? Posh spice doesn't kickback when taken from behind.
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees". The cannibals promised. Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working . very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one . of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shake their heads no. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and YOU had to go and eat the janitor!"
