2 cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says "Gee, I hate my mother in law" "So try the potatoes and the salad" says the second. The president of the USA wants to know 'Do bears really **** in the woods?' So he calls in representatives from the FBI, CIA and NYPD. Off they go one by one. First the FBI goes in and ends up torching the forest, ending the investigation. The CIA go into the next forest. After several days they come out with the statement 'There is no bear'. Then its the NYPDs turn. Just a few hours after going in they come out with a bloodied, beaten rabbit, who's screaming 'I'm a bear! I'm a bear!'.
im drivin out to this town right going trough the bush and i look in to the shrubs and i see this guys ****ing a rabbit and i say god damn that ****en grose ne way i keep going bout half way there i see this other guy ****ing another rabbit omg another ****ing hell so i keep going and im bout into town and i see this other guy ****ing a sheep damn thats worse then the rabbit ne way i drive in the bar i say to the bartender i say i seen the 3 most disgusting things ever he goes oh yeah what i say im bout 50 miles in to bush and i see this guy ****ing a rabbit bar tender goes oh yeah thats bill yeah hes wife just left him i say ok the reasonble so i continue by saying bout half way hre i seen this other guy doing the same thing bartenders goes yeah yeah hes a regular he cant get no woman i say ok so i say then im almost in town and i see this other guy ****ing a sheep bartender goes yep hes bob hes to slow to catch rabbbits by the way plz edit swear words if possible that is how the joke was tld to me
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out. The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ****ing ears!"
OK, here's a couple more for ya. A large company is hiring new staff and decide to go with a team of four cannibals. They begin work, and the Personnel manager welcomes them and says 'OK, before you begin. We hired you because you have excellent credentials, but we really must insist. Absolutely, no eating other members of staff' they groan in disappointment, but all agree. Four weeks later the personnel manager comes to see them. 'I'm hearing excellent tings about your work... But... Recently the janitor went missing. You don't know anything about that. Do you?' 'No..' they reply in unison as they shake their heads. The manager says 'OK then. Keep up the good work' and leaves. 'OK?' asks the oldest cannibal 'Who's responsible?' The youngest cannibal sheepishly puts his hand up. 'It was me. Sorry!' 'You damn fool! For four weeks we've been eating project managers and supervisors and nobody noticed a thing! Then you had to go and do something stupid like that!' :rofl: Probably need some experience of company life to appreciate that one! A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Subject: Geordie version of Windows >> >Press release from Microsoft. It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Geordie version of Windows XP may have accidentally been shipped outside of Newcastle. If you have one of the Newcastle editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Newcastle edition may be recognised by looking at the loading screen. It reads “Windaz XP“ with a background picture of a Brown Ale bottle superimposed on a photograph of the Tyne Bridge. It is shipped with the Brown Ale screen saver. Also note: The Recycle Bin is labelled '****e' Dialup Networking is called 'me mates' Control Panel is known as 'how te *ook aboot wi the settins' The Hard Drive is referred to as 'Big disk' Other Features: OK = alreet cancel = *ook that yes = aye no = nee *ookin' chance find = gan gerit ya fooking sel' goto = owa there help = ah cannit dee it stop = divvent move start = hadaway and ****e settings = settins programs = stuff that daes stuff personal folder = me ****e Also note that Windaz XP does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to Windaz XP: tiperita = a word processor cullarin book = a graphics package addin masheen = calculator tunes = CD player dole = accounting software toon = a spreadsheet of Newcastle United FC's recent scores bevvy = local off-licences by postcode and price of Brown Ale porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer We regret any inconvenience it may cause if you received a copy of the Newcastle edition. You may return it to Microsoft for an immediate replacement.
