Perhaps sex education is more complete over there but over here I got taught the biological facts (as they apply to maybe 90% of the population) along with how to avoid pregnancy and how to use a condom. The psychology of sex and sexuality was never covered nor the more complex interactions between what we might call sex related aspects (hormone production etc) and the rest of the body, height, weight, etc. I agree with Nexxo regarding helping doctors to help you. It took many years for me to get an answer other than "it's growing pains, you'll grow out of it" and once I did the answer became "Back pain normally cures itself in a few months". The fact is that doctors, even specialist doctors are used to dealing with normal cases and it can take and good deal of effort and even guidance to lead them off their normal track. One of the things I have run across in my dealings with doctors is that many of them really don't like admitting that they don't know, after all all those years at medical school and practice must mean that they know better than you right? But at the end of the day they can't feel what you feel and whatever language you talk to them in will be imperfect for describing something as complex as the way we experience our bodies. It is possible that modern technology cannot determine from external scans exactly what is inside your body as is the case for me. My MRI scans haven't shown any abnormalities that would account for my condition and frustrating though that is it's something that I have to accept so that I can live my life without it hanging over everything I do. I think getting in touch with a doctor who has experience of intersexuality sounds like a very good idea, perhaps one of the support groups Nexxo has mentioned would be able to put you in touch with someone that other people have have good experiences with. Sorry to keep referring to my condition. Although our conditions are very different I have run into some of the problems you are facing in dealing with the medical community though I think to a lesser extent. Moriquendi
very true.. doctors like to put up a mirage that they know it all.. if you deal with them enough you see they are pretty much like you and me and learning as they go.. the whole doctors will answer any question is for chumps- you have to seek out a few until you get one that knows more about your condition seems to me this is more mental though.. and now I have a headache thinking about it (again) XD
Hermaphrodism is a physical condition (and it is easy to determine whether you have an XX or XY gene set; if they did a test the result should be unambiguous). Autoparagyneacophillia is a psychiatric label that you can ignore because it bears no relevance to your physical presentation. Transsexuality is again a psychological term and has no relevance to your physical condition. So basically your body is (most likely) XY hermaphroditic. There are so many different complex genetic and cellular factors that could account for that, that you may never find out which (it is still all a bit guesswork anyway). But that is just detail after the fact anyway. Intersexual support groups are the way to meet those people. And you have to be clear. Doctors are concrete problem solvers (and hence concrete thinkers). You need to make a clear separation between the question of what gender your body is and the question of what gender you feel you are, because right now they're getting confused between the two. You have to explain to them that you just want to know what condition your body has because it helps you make medical decisions about your future health. Do not get into exploring how it informs your psychological gender identity because unless they are specialists, they will not understand. Doctors do not explore problems. Doctors solve problems. They will assume that you feel female (because that is how you present) and they will try to solve the problem of your body gender, which is to give it gender reassignment surgery. It's like taking a car to a mechanic because it is making a funny noise, but then telling him that you don't want him to fix it; you just want to know what is causing that funny noise so you can get a better understanding of how your car works... That is not how mechanics work. To them, a funny noise indicates a problem to be fixed, not an issue to be explored the meaning of and be understood.
My body is still a blind spot. I can't understand it, I can't control it or the things it affects. I apparently can't live with it, as the only thing I can do after facts and speculation fail is ignoring my body. How long can one ignore one's body? I can't do it any more. I just want to get rid of it. The past few days have been hell, and I don't see things improving at all. Some levels of pain are just too much.
See a clinical psychologist. Seriously. All this "what is the name for my condition?" and "do I have a vagina for sure?" stuff is just avoidance of looking at the messy tangled-up feelings inside yourself. What you are doing is focusing on the problems with your body and trying to clarify/resolve them as a way of clarifying/resolving the emotional mess. But you have to sort out your emotions first in order to know how to approach the problem of your body. I know that seems like a paradoxical or roundabout way of doing things, but a common theme in psychology is that the target is often also the trap you get stuck in. Deal with your feelings first, then your physical body. You've tried it the other way around for years and got nowhere. What have you got to lose?
Nexxo is trying to help in the best way he knows how but he is a psychologist/ psychological nurse (I don't remember which) so his training will be similar to that of the other psychologists you've seen and there are bound to be similarities in the way he thinks and the way the other psychologists you've dealt with think. He is though, in my experience on these boards, a resonable and rational person and almost certainly the best person on BT to give you advice or help beyond just being someone to talk to. Moriquendi
I'm sure it is not the answer you want to hear. But I predict that even if you manage to get a diagnostic name for your condition, you will still feel as confused as ever. People often think of a name as a magic spell: to name a thing is to make it real. You are hoping that a diagnosis will 'click' things into place in your head and that all the messy feelings that you are experiencing will start to make sense. But this is not just about your body. This is about you trying to cope with your sexuality, which has not only biological and physical but also emotional and identity aspects. Your coping is a product of your sexual and life experiences and the perceptions and feelings that stem from them. You are not the first who is confused and frankly, scared of your sexuality (don't need to be intersexual for that) and I'm sure it did not help that important people around you felt equally scared and confused because there was no convenient gender model with a neat set of cultural expectations to pigeonhole you into. I also gather that you were sexually violated more than once and that will only have made the pain and confusion worse. I'm not saying that it is not important to have a name for your condition, but the problem is that it may never be medically possible to pin the causes for your intersexuality down and to give a diagnosis that is anything more than an educated guess. And then you're still stuck with what gender your body is, how you feel about that and cope with it in a largely binary-sexual world, and how you deal with the sexual violation you suffered in the past as well as how you are going to lead a sexually fulfilling life in the future. I'm really sorry, but there's no magic spell for this one.
Well, next month the 27th I have an appointment at the UMCG hospital here in the Netherlands for a urological examination in which they'll hopefully finally determine how my body is put together, specifically to answer the question of whether I really do have a (proto-) vagina or not. It's possible that a TV crew from a national station will be present as well.
Comparing brain hemisphere size might give some insight, then again it might not... But I do think it's your sense of self you need to determine rather than the exact medical definition of your anatomy...
Fingers crossed that it will get you some concrete answers. Naah, that just tells her (roughly) the gender she feels, which is something she already (roughly) knows. We know for sure that Elledan must have an XY chromosome set otherwise there would be not even the vestiges of male genitalia. My bet is Testosterone Insensitivity syndrome. The problem with that is that physically, she can lie on a continuum anywhere between almost male and almost female. She wants to find out where on that continuum she is. Of course, that, in turn, can be completely independent of brain ('wired') gender and sexual orientation. Back to the Cartesian coordinates...
The geneticist at the UMCG hospital already ruled that out. She didn't have any explanation from her field as to what might be the cause. Thanks
I have nothing to add to the thread, just want to wish you good luck! Hope they figure something out.
You have my best wishes as well. I know all about geneticists. Know a few I'd like to hit with a stick, I'll add your names to the list if you'd like...
I'm not sure whether they messed up or are just too lazy to do a more extensive check at this point But thanks for your wishes ^_^
Slight update: the appointment got changed to the 4th of October. I'll also have a TV crew swarming around me the coming weeks Not looking forward to the 'feeling so sick I'd want to rather die' part prior to and during the appointment...
I'd offer a hug for sympathy/support, but you're a bit far away for my puny, non-elastic arms. /notDhalsim
gl with it all.. that would be funny if you walked out with a question mark skirt like lady gaga- have them scratching their heads
A virtual hug works too ^_^ I tried looking for pics, but only found rumours that she might be a guy Funny how that works~
