They said the same about Amanda Lear. The Dutch magazine Panorama (is it still around?) put paid to the rumours by posting some graphic images of her on a nudist beach. Of course, that doesn't prove anything conclusively, but I like to think that gender is in the head; the rest is accessories. And whatever gender she is, she was hawt.
People (men and women ) often call me 'hawt' or something close to it. For some reason I ended up with a body many women are jealous of. Plenty of straight guys have kissed me or attempted to And yes, Panorama is still around, though I never read it
Hawt > gender. And I only casually browsed Panorama once at the dentist's... because there was nothing else to read, you understand... >cough<
Like Kim Petras, I think she have fooled lots of people. But then again, she is technically a "proper" girl now. It's interesting to see that the mind is a stronger force than a physical being when it comes to deciding gender.
It's a brain wiring thing. Kim has a female brain --it just was stuck in a male body. Like many children she always knew what she was supposed to be. Doing gender reassignment before puberty at age 12, before testosterone could kick in and establish the male secondary sexual characteristics was a good move. It made for a more elegant physical transition to a feminine body.
Elledan, I wish you the best of luck. I honestly can't comment about the physical aspect but for the mental side of things I would strongly suggest that you follow Nexxo's advice. At 36 years old I've just about come to terms with what I am and only with the help of one of my brothers who is similar mentally. The problem is that we've both picked up more than few scars along the way, callouses on the soul for want of a better expression. Both of us were too stubborn to see a psychologist and were determined that we would sort it out ourselves. As a direct result we're both more than a touch disfunctional in many ways. It's only after we were open with each other (definitely not easy with a very traditional English family upbringing) that I became able to come to terms with my own nature. Arranging to see a psycholgist when I can muster the courage to do so is very high on my list of things to do as hopefully it can ease a few of the scars, I'd strongly urge you to do so before any more develop for you. I'm nigh on neuter (mentally, not physically) because of what I put myself through and I'd hate to see another make the same mistake - I was too proud to ask for help.
It's not that I'm too proud to ask for help, it's what I have been doing for the past 6 years after all. When it comes to finding a therapist for EMDR therapy the simple matter is that it's virtually impossible to find one here in the Netherlands unless you're very lucky. Most don't take in any new patients and there's also the matter of whether it 'works' with that person. This can take months to find out, meaning that if I'm lucky I'll have found someone next year. If I'm not I could easily spent a few years on it. That's just not going to work, logistically nor emotionally. Maybe this psychiatrist at the UMCG hospital can help me with finding someone since it are his colleagues, but otherwise it's more a failing of the system than an unwillingness from my side.
I've only just discovered this thread and I know it's a little late but I wish you all the best. In a very small sense I know what your going through as I have only just discovered in the last two years that I have a chromosome defect very similar to Hemochromatosis. I only found out when my brother passed out and had to be rushed to hospital so the damage might already be done as I'm now not far off 40. The doctors can't explain why except it's hereditary, how to treat it except through blood letting, or whether I'll/I've passed it on to my children. It's led me to discover that in a lot of cases when the doctors/professionals are on the back foot they look after there own. You have not only given them a question they can't answer but you have publicly challenged them. They will only block you at every turn you make to show their incompetencies and then you will find eventually you have no-where left to get the answers. @Nexxo I don't mean everyone in the professions of high status are the same and in the secret handshake organisation, but I have many times heard or witnessed it and it's the only conclusion I can come up with. I wish you the best but the only advice I can give is to switch off the emotional threads that are causing you the internal struggle before they tear you apart. It is possible to do and I'm sure if you want to you can re-engage them one at a time and try to make sense of them in a more logical way. You will find that only you can do corrective surgery on your psyche, the psychologists only have basic paths to help lead you to the junctions that are not working properly. We are all unique due to the limitlessly different and microscopic life experiences that we go through. Once you have sorted the mental (and I mean you have to be sure), you can then try correcting the physical either buy surgery or you may find spiritual/mental (whichever way you look at the human race) bonding with someone in the same situation as yourself. If you give up on yourself there's no way back from the darkness that is despair. Good luck.
Aplogies offered, I did not mean to infer that you hadn't but it just appeared to me that you were focussing on the physical rather than the mental aspect at the time I responded. I had the cheerful beaten out of me at an early age (mentally rather than physically - the physical aspect taught me not to get caught!) so tend to be a cynical pessimist. It works for me but then so does TANSTAAFL (There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch - it keeps me honest with myself and everyone else). @Jux_Zeil: I would strongly suggest not just "switching off" the bits that cause you problems - therein lies disaster. It's a futile exercise to try to ignore your own nature. Accepting and dealing with what makes you different - that's a step forwards. I speak from the point of view of someone who tried to ignore that aspect and hope that others will not make the same mistake.
EMDR? As in Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing? Why a PTSD technique? Doctors are trained to have the answers, always, so yes, they can feel insecure and defensive when they don't. We (the public) expect them to have the answers, always, so we can add to that defensiveness. What you get is a bunch of defensive, aloof doctors and disappointed, angry patients mutually reinforcing the dynamic, and expectations about future doctors/patients. What would help is a doctor who says: "I don't have the answer either, but I'm happy to try and find out together". It takes a confident professional to say that, and above all one who has a lot of time. Clinical psychologists are trained to collaborate with rather than "do to" the client/patient, and to not "have the answer" but help the client/patient find their own. And they have the luxury of spending ammounts of time on a single client/patient that a doctor can only dream of. So compared to doctors we're in a state of grace, generally speaking.
Because my PTSD is the only thing which is treatable by just talking at this point. --- Well, I went to the hospital today, and it was another big disappointment. Despite the promises made during the previous appointment all that happened was one urologist poking at me, determining that I do have a tiny prostate, not offering any explanation for why it doesn't function, and admitting to not knowing how to check what this possible vagina really is. Worse is that he alluded to there probably not being any other tests remaining at this point, so maybe I'm really done with the medical system in this country
Too late. Did it years ago. It makes you a little cold and cynical but it worked for me. Don't get me wrong though, I still let the emotions surface now-and-again under controlled conditions. I especially let go when playing a really emotionally engaging game which is probably why I enjoy the Final Fantasy games so much. Your right of coarse, and with the stretched resources, frayed tempers and peoples lack of consequence, it's only going to get worse I fear. Here's an idea, instead of asking what's wrong with me, ask why am I special? I don't just mean the doctors and psychologists either, I mean yourself. Maybe looking at it from a different perspective might make you a little more comfortable with yourself? Your real Friends are obviously comfortable with who (you shouldn't question what you are, you're you) you are. Chin up and head held high as you're obviously special so don't give up hope.
Another update: the UMCG hospital hasn't even responded for over a week now so I don't have the faintest clue whether they got anything else planned or will leave it at this. There's a chance I'll be going to the US as a study object in the near future instead, as a friend is mailing to universities, hospitals and such of which a few have already shown interest. Maybe I'll finally get the answers to these not so very difficult questions...
Thanks Seems like I'll need it. Today the UMCG hospital said they do not with to examine me any further. I'm now officially through with the Dutch 'healthcare' system and I'll have to rely on other countries like the US to get me the answers I seek.
Well my current University, University of Florida, has a very large medical program and is ranked very high in the nation for a public University. I can give you their contact information if you would like.
Thank you I got someone to send out 30 letters and 10 emails to various places already, so I'll wait first to see what I get back from those. I'm not sure UoF isn't among them already anyway. I'll keep you updated. Thanks for the offer at any rate
this is so true from what I've seen too.. doctors who don't know will make up something and then go do a bunch of research to fill in the blanks they don't know that's why when a doctor starts not making sense instead of saying I don't know.. I just find another one- actually this is true with vets as well even dentists are like that.. then you'll run into one that's seen the situation before and be like oh- this is what's wrong.. probably not just those professions either- no sense in getting beat up over one guys opinion (he may be a mental midget compared to another doc) when peeps get shifty, pick up on that and realize they are clueless.. get someone else- you'd be surpised just visiting different doctors, each giving you a different diagnosis like if I was in your position.. I would go get a papsmear for fun and then when the doctor walks in all shocked.. I go what
I'm still not clear what you want medics to do for you, to be honest, and I'm wondering whether their somewhat haphazard poking around is a reflection of the medics being just as confused. You mentioned that above all you'd like to have some idea of what you are exactly. There's the matter of your body apparently producing only ~25% of the amount of testosterone a male body would produce. You have no ejaculation at all, and it has been irregular/"weird" even before the hormone therapy. You want to know what is up with your testicles and do you have a prostate. You since have found that yes, you do have a prostate but like your penis not a fully developed and functional one. It looks like your testicles failed to develop normally and hence did not produce enough testosterone for your body to fully develop as male --hence the rudimentary prostate and penis. What caused your testicles to not fully develop may be much more difficult to work out --we barely even understand the process of developing into a male or female, let alone any other genders. If you get a diagnosis, you can finally tell people you have "[insert Latin name here] syndrome" and although I can see how you believe that may be helpful to you, but your body and life will still be the way they are. Ask yourself: what will a diagnosis actually do for me? When you ask doctors: "Can you diagnose me?" keep in mind that they are trained to believe that they have the answers and that we, the public, chose to collude in that. We expect them to know the answers and get quite pissed off with them when they don't. This leads to them feeling that they have to do and say something. So they get your hopes up as they 'poke about', as you say, only to dash them once again as they come up with ******** answers to hide that they don't know when it would be better to admit up front that they don't know. But if a doctor says to you up front: "I don't know the answer and I don't know how to find out" you get angry also. So damned if they do, damned if they don't: they piss you off either way. You'd like to know what it is you are feeling there where a woman would have a vagina. So far 3 distinct sets of MRI images have been made and you doubt that any more will be useful at this point, so further imaging is out. You also mentioned that you don't want surgery, so I gather that the idea of someone cutting open your perineum to have a look inside does not appeal much to you. It certainly won't appeal to surgeons who deem it a medically unnecessary procedure as it is not designed to fix anything or to conclusively diagnose something in order for it to be fixed. I know that you consider it psychologically necessary but they will struggle to get their heads around that perspective (in my dealings with surgeons I have found that they are SO NOT psychologists). Moreover there are a lot of nerves running through that area involved with mobility, continence and sexual functioning, and incidentally two major femoral arteries (cut one and you bleed out in 30 seconds) running close by. It is not a place to go lightly and without compelling medical reason a surgeon simply won't. And that is assuming that if they opened your perineum they would actually be able to tell the difference between the rectovesical septum that all males have and a rudimentary vagina that you think may be unique to you. Ask yourself: if the surgeon says: "Nope, looks like an ordinarily rectovesical septum to me" would that change your experience of it as an erogenous zone? Of course not. It won't change your experience of gender, and it won't change your sexual experience. In fact, you may even get pissed off with him for not recognising the uniqueness of your physiology. Don't get caught in an "impossible quest". I've seen cancer patients do it. It leads nowhere.
