Hello folks. This may/may not be the right avenue to post here but felt that with the internet being what it is, this is somewhat anonymous to a point. I guess for a little while I have wanted to share my experiences and see what peoples thoughts are. This isn't going to be very well structured and I guess if nothing else is more of a blurt of feelings/thoughts/emotions. I've been in a relationship which has been very rocky to say the least with a few major ups and downs. It hasn't been a long one but - thought actually - she could be the one. By my very nature - I have felt that I am a loving, caring and respectable chap... I have my downfalls and I have my issues (just like we all do right?). The last few years - I've really cut my circle down.. I don't socialize much.. have very few friends and feel as though I have gone from being incredibly confident to perhaps more of an introvert. I guess my current relationship has not helped in that and I have felt perhaps I am seeing some emotional abuse. Abuse is a massive heavy word - but it seems that it's the phrase thrown around. My relationship is coming to a close but something I am really struggling with is some of the things being thrown around. Before this relationship - I had never really heard the terms; narcissist, gaslighting and codependency. I had always felt I have had relatively healthy and positive relationships which have often ended simply because there has been a difference in paths or where we have wanted to end up. My previous relationship we had maybe 1 or 2 actual arguments in the entirety - we went different ways because she still had feelings for her ex partner. They rekindled and are happily engaged - I'm genuinely happy for them. We were on different paths and it was amicable. With this relationship - it has felt very cold at times. I have felt like I've needed to chase at times and she will often not even say those words back 'I love you' and we're not talking once or twice - few days at a time and I may get it once or twice a week. There isn't X's in her messages.. her general messaging approach comes across as cold/unloving, something which she has mentioned others have said too.. An example of this is having stayed there for the weekend, leaving on Sunday and getting literally 2 to 4 word responses to messages. Today I got called out for being 'vacant' and 'quiet'. The complete polar opposite to the truth. When i have raised concerns - i am told that I am codependent, too sensitive and a gas lighter. Would you consider that gaslighting? codependent or just what should happen in a healthy reciprocated relationship? In October I made a mistake - an old friend was going through a divorce.. heartbroken. I messaged to say that I was thinking about her - but really did mean this as a support phrase and not because I am in any way attracted - she also lives the other end of the country.. never been romantic or considered this person to be in such a way. It was not a flirty message. my OH saw the response and assumed that I had cheated. This has caused a divide between us and a level of resentment. Things moved on - to show that it was my OH and not the other.. I blocked and removed the 'friend' and seemingly things picked up and thought we were happy. Occasionally she would raise that i am a shady person and that she cannot trust me - this can be literally used at any opportunity, including picking out paint a few weekends ago. Still - I thought I could just continue and things would improve as that trust was grown again. She has recently moved house - we talked about moving in together but due to the unrocky ground at the moment, it hasn't happened (she even bought furniture to accommodate my clothes but we still needed a conversation around everything else) .It seems ironic timing that now she's moved, all the DIY work has happened (finished at the weekend just gone) (Have had some stupidly long days) that she has decided she has had enough today. Would you say that I have infact just been used? or that it is just unfortunate timing I am not even sure what to do here - how do you fix something like this? how do you drop the resentment? Should I even try … or just move on? Am I narcissist? do I gaslight? and am I codependent - words I have never heard in previous relationships.. and this has got me worried about my own personal growth... am I really one of those guys? i am being eaten up inside.
Move on mate. Been there. The words narcissist, gaslighting, controlling are just thrown around these days without people actually knowing their meaning. If you do something someone doesn't like and you have your own opinion, you are automatically any one of those three words. I will say this. The people that are the most jealous,controlling, actual gas lighters and accuse others of being shady are very often projecting their own deceitfulness on others and quite possibly cheating. My take, just based on your side of the story: Leave. Life is way too short for bulls**t like that. If they aren't reciprocating until they need something then they're not worth your time. 8 billion people on this planet. Do you really think there isn't someone better out there? Good luck mate.
^This is very often the case. Good luck @Mojo , you have to decide what is best for you no matter how difficult it may seem.
From personal experience all I can say is what made things better for me (may not be one size fits all) was starting to focus on myself, now I have always been of the mind that being selfish or perceived as selfish in any way is a terrible, terrible thing. This made it hard to do. When I say focus on myself I mean, rather than try desperately to tend to the person you are trying to have a relationship with, think about what you might want in your life if that person didn't exist, wasn't there or wasn't your concern, what would your goals be, what would your interests be, how would you spend your time? I don't really know but my feeling is that once you start to pursue these things for yourself, the person that is critical of you whilst you're trying to maintain a relationship with them begins to see that truly you are not dependant on their view of you, it does not shape or inform your decisions, you do and only you. I think this gives the other party an opportunity for some self reflection, seeing who you are, can be and wether or not they want to be a part of that and how they can fit in, because if they really want to, they'll find a way, even if that means some behavioural adjustment. Just telling someone they need to decide if they want to be with you or not, again from experience is an iffy endeavour to say the least. And so for you, if things have to come to a complete close and you move on, at least you are on better footing, you're already doing things for you, you might be making progress in something, it could be work, social relationships or a personal project, you'll have that to help fill in gaps left by the departure of another and you'll always have those things, nobody can take them from you. These things will make you more endearing to everyone in your company and encourage positive interactions. This is just me but I hope sharing can help you or that you find something of use there.
You clearly don't sound happy and I think you want confirmation on this. My words come from my experience, 2 failed marriages, here's basic sum up of last one Paid a mortgage I wasn't on, built a kitchen, tons of DIY, fixed her car, even helped raise her daughter I deeply loved, only to still feel like an outsider in the home. I ended up sabotaging things and she did too, I also was accused of gaslighting and blamed for her poor wellbeing but when I did the same I was being pathetic. (am sure I've posted about it on here over the years) You need to find the strength to move on and rediscover yourself, you don't have to be a social bee, being an introvert is healthy too. I've learnt to love myself and accept what I need in a relationship, if I can't get it then it's not the right person (and I can't believe I actually found that person 200 miles away) I rode the pain and sadness, sometimes a bottle of whiskey helped but loving throwing away the words others have said made me want to live Stay strong pal
I have had a lot of relationships, and I'm very... alternative these days, but one rule I have is that if you're not happy, change it. Don't ride out a bad relationship hoping it'll improve, life is far far too short for that! You'll have to drop resentment, there's nothing else to do with the emotion. As for the various names, without knowing more context, it'll be impossible to know, but it doesn't sound like the relationship was healthy for a long time. One thing I'll add though, I personally react badly to demands for saying 'I love you' or the like. Too many people fall into the trap of just saying it, almost as a reflect, and I've trained myself out of because I only want to say it when I actually feel it!
To me this seems like a very unhealthy relationship, one where they are controlling you through emotional (and probably sexual) blackmail, and one I would have advised you to get out of long ago. Trust is a really big part of a truly good relationship, and if they don't trust you, it's often because they don't trust themselves, which is a worry. Mrs Crap can work all hours, long into the night and into the next day, but that's her job and I understand that she might not be in a position to let me know. I only start to worry if she's not back by the next morning, but not because I think she's cheating on me or anything like that, only out of fear that something bad might have happened. We've always had an agreement that if one of us ever has serious doubts about our relationship, has feelings for someone else they want to pursue, or otherwise just wants out, then we will tell the other person and we'll go out separate ways. Not to say there wouldn't to heartbreak, but that we respect eachother enough that we would not want to be unfaithful or string the other person along in staying in the relationship, because we felt like we had to. You didn't make a mistake last October. You text a friend a message of support in time of need, just as any friend should. Her having a problem with that is totally unjustified and unreasonable. A friend gets cancer, or gets made redundant, loses a loved one, or receives some other terrible news, you offer condolences and tell them you'll be thinking of them, because those times can feel very lonely. It's completely normal, expected even.
Leave. End it. That relationship will destroy you if you continue. Imo If she was we wouldn't be having this conversations. Again, imo.
There are more red flags here than on all of Britain's beaches combined. So you probably know this already, but some definitions: narcissist: a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves gaslighting: manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning co-dependency: excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction What I would say is that it can be very hard to "raise concerns" without it coming across as being "bitching", or arguing, or judgemental, or whatever. But what I would also say is that if you can't find a way to communicate in a relationship without it descending into an argument, or without either participant throwing around very strong terms like "gaslighting", then that is definitely not a healthy relationship. Like I said, it can be hard to discuss issues in a non-judgemental way, but ultimately if one or both of you doesn't respect the other as being someone with their own thoughts, their own feelings, their own needs, etc, then it will not end well. Trying to "stick with it" or "make it work" is likely to lead to resentment, recriminations, or a complete lack of trust. Being supportive to a friend going through a tough time is not, and was not, a mistake. Serious, major red flag. If you take nothing else away, I hope you at least take this away: please try to get back in touch with your friend any way you can. Just be honest about the situation you were in and what you were going through. I don't know how close you were as friends, but even if she was deeply hurt about being blocked and doesn't want anything more to do with you, you'll lose nothing in the attempt. It might not feel like it right now, but it honestly seems like this is for the best in the long run. I don't think it's possible to "fix" the relationship, if that's what you meant. Right at the start of your post you said you were questioning whether it was emotionally abusive. It doesn't matter whether this situation meets some strict formal definition of "emotional abuse" or not, what matters is how it has made you feel. The only possible thing I could suggest going forward comes back to that point about non-judgemental communication. If there are issues in a relationship you need to talk about then try to frame it in a way that doesn't come across as "this is what you're doing wrong and you need to not do that". Based on what you said early on, it certainly doesn't sound like you've had issues with communicating in past relationships. Personally I seriously doubt you are "one of those guys", but I think the only person who can really assuage that concern is you. Ultimately you can't change what's happened or how it made you feel, all you can do is try to learn whatever you can from it. If I had to speculate on what I would have done/felt were I in your shoes.... Personally, I'd have probably ended things immediately after being accused of cheating because I was trying to be supportive to an old friend. Even though we've been together 16 years, it would instantly destroy the relationship if my other half ever came out with something like that. We're not married, but I have friends who have had two marriages and subsequent divorces in less than half of the time we've been together. So... it would suck. It would suck a lot. And it would hurt... a lot.
Thank you again for all of the comments - I am immensely grateful for the good people of bit-tech as well as the time taken to write proper replies. truly am! I am really on side with everyone in this chat and can't help but feel that there is a crazy amount of red flags in this minefield I'm calling a relationship. I don't know where this leaves me as i am a mix of hurt and upset... whilst not knowing how to move forward in the obstacle course of life. I guess - keep myself busy and do my best?
It's perfectly normal and fine to be sad, to grieve and mourn the loss of the relationship. Good or bad that's a decent chunk of your life gone, that's not something to be swept under the rug. There's a lot to be said for getting absolutely **** faced and crying like a baby, just don't drink text them. Take it as a learning experience. Your job in a relationship is to make yourself happy as much as it is make the other person happy.
Just not sure how that looks right now. Not got many friends - don't socialise.. don't drink... don't go out... don't do the gym... *sigh*
All of the things you say remind me of my last wife. Remember, when someone is accusing you of something it is usually because they are doing it and want to put you on the back foot. I can not even recall how many times she said "It's not all about you you know?". Which turned out to be "It's all about me, I am just making you feel uncomfortable with thinking about yourself". IE they are words of manipulation. Gas lighting is the latest trending one. As for fixing it? you can't. Get out whilst the going is good. As we grow older you tend to find that all of the chocolates left in the box usually contain nuts. That is exactly why I have now been single for 7 years. I have given up half of my life on this earth trying to make a woman happy. Now it's time for me.
In other words what I am saying is this. If she's over 30 and not a widow? there is a reason why she is single.
Thats a both easy and complex to answer! Simple is, whatever the f*** you want! Singledom is liberating, its why I'm heavily solo-poly leaning! The complex one is you need to rebuild what 'you' are. Our culture is so messed up that its expected to lose yourself in a relationship, which is utterly awful. But the pleasure of rediscovering yourself it brilliant
I know its tough, but only you can fix this. In the post Covid world, with lots of remote working, it is becoming easier to disengage from society. Look for something you used to like or new that you might like trying, maybe its playing sport or maybe its painting small plastic figure or playing make believe games with wizzards or bog snorkelling or attending LAN nights and pwning noobs or mountain biking or volenteering to help repair woodland. Whatever it is, find something to do for you. Next, find some way of reconnecting to it with other people. Join a fat football team, or sign up for archery courses, or book a weekend knife making experiance, or signup to learn how to make bread. Go do stuff and ideally you might just rediscover some of who you are now.
No this is true. Then again my ex was abusive. Both mentally and physically. To the point I had to have her removed by the police.
Try and reconnect with friends you've fallen out of touch with. Get deep into a hobby, new or old, join clubs, etc. Whatever you do, don't go out with the intent of looking for "the next one". Just try and have fun, and somewhere along the way you'll find someone to have fun with.
