...I know, embarrassingly obvious question for the more geeky type, hence me asking it here Anyway, the entire thing is so rare i have nowhere to turn to, even the infinite expanse of google has no responses, and i'm not surprised either background: i'm 28, had a few 1-3week things at ~18years old which went utterly nowhere (mix between 'obviously not going to work' and 'female is deranged psychopath' and one 'pull geek just to get at my ex') which hurt like a bugger at the time, but quickly got over within a month or so. Any way, fast forward to last year (me = 28) and i met a person at work that blew me to pieces,. Now up until then, i'd yet to meet anyone, *ever* that was even remotely as shy as me, and i'm hopelessly nice (can't even <force> myself to play a evil character in games, no matter how hard i try) but she's like that even more... It took me a good few months to ask her out, but after that was when things started going wrong. She's unfortunately also the most *flighty* person i've ever even heard of, let alone seen. Basically if i did the slightest thing wrong she didn't approve of, she cancelled the relationship, without warning. (and i couldn't see these coming at the time, even though i tried so hard, lack of experience is a bugger)(sitting too close on the bus was one of the things, for example) Dating blindfolded on a minefield comes to mind... this happened 3 times before i gave up in a moment of despair and told her i'm just not emotionally strong enough to cope with that. But despite that, I have never been able to get her out of my head for more than an hour or so since we met. Previously that dissipated after a month, i'm at nearly 6months now and it's still more than anything i've ever come across. since then, i had a month or two of relative silence, but after that i've been building up a very decent email conversation + random chats at work when i bump into her. Always get decent replies and beaming smiles when i see her at work, but it's oh so natural and oh so awkward at the same time... Just don't know what to make of it I can honestly say without a shadow of a doubt, i've never met *anyone* with a personality even remotely like hers (so similar to mine, just even more reserved/shy) in my 28 years of life. IMHO, saying she's one in a million would be an understatement. It may be hard, but i'd do anything to try to make it work... Anyway, to sum up: extremely shy guy has met epic shy girl things ****ed up any advice where to go from here is welcome, as i'm so scared as to be near paralysed to do *anything* now
i reckon (based on my admittedly shorter lifespan, but also relationships with complete psychopaths and flighty women) that the first issue surrounding this whole thing is that you two work together. The second issue is that she either feels like you or doesn't... if she doesn't there's not much to do. If she does (which i think is more likely based on what you're telling us), she's afraid of one thing escalating into the next, fights breaking out, etc. She probably doesn't quite know how to handle this whole thing herself. She's shy, so sitting too closely to her on the bus would make her go "oops - people might be watching"... so she takes off, trying not to make a huge scene out of it, because that would put her in the limelight... she also probably doesn't want to hurt you, etc.... that's my thoughts...
My only advice would be relationship counciling. That is if you are deadly serious about making this relationship work. If she cant understand whats wrong and it's tearing you up then you need outside help to resolve the matter. I was in a very conrtolled relationship once were I was being emontionally cripped by a person who was using me like a crutch. If we'd had the counciling then we probabaly would have understood what was happening and how to deal with it. I am sure Nexxo, would be most likely to point you in the right direction than I could. This is my opion though for this circumstance. I do hope that your relationship can be healthy and help eachothers confidence. For the shyness, well you may not see that as a problem, but I was once v shy, but that had to change. I'm no extrovert, but sometimes you just can't afford shyness. Hopefully the counciling would help that too. I do hope it works out for you!
In movies they just tell each other what they think and how they feel. I know how it's like to be annoingly shy... I dunno if you've had such moments, but it sucks to figure out an hour, a day or maybe even a week ago that you once again missed something. I'd propably just try to really talk to her.. Seems she's shy and maybe even scared of something (something previous maybe, doesn't want it to happen all over again). Surely you're really a nice guy, being a nerd and at this forum
Rule number 1 of dating... never be with someone at work, if for nothing else because of the above situation... (same goes for same class in college) If you're really thinking about her this much just tell her, worst she can to is tell you to go to hell etc. isn't it?
Despite the length of the post you really didn't give much detail about either of you, or the relationship...So based on the little you did say: If she's as shy as you say I would imagine she'd be as inexperienced as you. Perhaps she's fallen into the trap of imagining a real relationship to be like the romantic fiction she'd read (one-handed ) in those lonely hours. Her heightened expectations would explain her flightiness because if you f*** up then you're obviously not the one she was destined to be with. It could also be the cause of the drawn-out drama, afterall every protagonist needs an obstacle to overcome. What you need to do is romance her a little. Rent a few chick flicks and see if you can draw any aspects from them in to your relationship with her. It doesnt have to be all champagne and roses, the location is far more important (Gone with the Wind would be less without Tara, Wuthering Heights would be less without the Yorkshire moors). It doesn't have to be a fancy restaurant, maybe a walk around the city at twilight, or a fairground... At the end of the "date" tell her what a wonderful time you had, just as all your most cherished memories involve her, because you suspect it's her smile that lights up your life. Tell her that you mght not be perfect, but all that you are you want to give to her, and spend the rest of your life trying to bring a smile to her face. However having said all that under no circumstances use the line "I'm just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him" Or you could just buy her some shoes
Think positive. Think solutions. Here we go: First off: Beaming smiles in the hallway usually do mean something. I learned that the hard way with about 7 girls all telling me they always found me very cute "back then". <- i literally did that at some point. problem: you two are too shy to really talk about this. solution: you are certainly not shy in here! I don't think i could ever be as frank as your post here about myself online. Use that. You say she is shy too, and easily spooked. Find a way that is non-threatening to her. It may just be e-mail, or memos, or letters, or sudokus with hidden messages (though that one might take too much time). The good news is you are almost as shy as she, so you can relate to her. Ask yourself how you would want her to tell the same thing to you. What i'm saying is that like all relationships, you need to communicate better and more. This is normal, ad has nothing to do with shyness. It's the eternal man-woman misunderstanding. If for you guys communicating is easier through email or forums or chat, who cares? It may be ultimately geeky, but if it works, it works, and nobody but you two can judge that. Perhaps the most important thing would be to get her to overcome her shyness and open up. Be the best listener that you can be, and don't nessicarily respond to everything, just listen to the stories. Do not judge or tell her it's ok or whatever, just listen and hug at appropriate times. Then the next day, let your actions prove that you have listened and understand. Finally, come clean. Tell her how you feel. Tell her *(points up)* THAT. If you can't, let her read it.
Personally, I'd cut her off. You know, like a gangrenous hand. This woman sounds exactly like a combination of my mother and a.. friend from some years back. Neither has kept a steady relationship. Trying to 'work it out' never works with people like this. In the past two years I've seen my mother dump 7 boyfriends for inane reasons (Like one being too 'needy' - All she had as an example of this was him wanting to 'snuggle' (**** I hate that word)). She still talks to him, and from what I've heard, flirts with him. Honestly, you will be in a better state if you move on and forget about her. I don't care whether she's doing it because she's scared of thing X happening. Chances are she's always been like this and always will. If you stick around, you're picking up her pieces and your own - Not good, unless you like therapy.
I know this is not the answer you want to hear, but Give up on this one. Otherwise you will be stuck in a dead end relationship having moved nowhere. My 1st girlfriend was just like that. After 2 years, being dumped 3 times for "moving too fast" i just gave up. In the end we had only kissed once throught the whole relationship and that was it. Now i have found someone new and i know she is the one and i am happier than i have ever been.
i would link her to this thread via email, maybe she just needs to see your side of the story. If she understands how you feel then it might move forward, if it dosen't best find out your best pulling shirt, even tho the worst relationships are generated from pub/bars.
Why are people telling the OP to dump the woman he loves because his vague description of a tenuous relationship triggers their bad memories of failure with someone else? That kind of advice is as inapplicable as an astrological column in the paper: generalizations based on perceived common attributes which might not apply or have anything to do with whatever issues impede an individual's progress. After all, we know nothing about this woman. She might have been hurt in the past and now has difficulty trusting people, which means she needs patience and understanding; she might be looking for someone demonstrative to express her terminally trapped thoughts, which means she needs confidence by proxy (flirtatious compliments, relaxed idealization, disarmingly witty candor in safe contexts); she might be a lesbian who can't accept her preference and seeks to dilute it with abstract non-threatening hetero friendships (which means she could be a good long-term pal once you've both been honest); she might be an overachiever who's also a closet exhibitionist with at least one instance of abuse in her past (certain shy Jekylls have Hydes), which means she's refreshingly intelligent and addictedly/addictively physical but has issues with intimacy, has hazel eyes and likes to wear a veil on alternate tuesdays -- I could go on endlessly, but the fact remains it's all arbitrary and irrelevant. You need to get to know this particular woman, ask her questions, and see if you can find a medium or atmosphere in which she's more comfortable opening up. Sometimes loyal partners simply take longer to thaw. The promiscuous often seem to understand partners quickly and intuitively -- which makes them appear easygoing and compatible -- only to flit away when faced with some minor issue. They can be extremely fun, but some of them waste a lot of time if you're tired of moving through queues. In the end, your relationships are mysteries best fathomed by you and/or someone who actually knows you both. You can consult people on bit-tech if you like, but you're simply opening a series of guidebooks that only apply to others.
The first and best thing you can do is to TALK to her, expose your feelings and your fears. You are shy and cant do it? Man up a little during the next 10 hours or so (or until the end of your conversation), then go to your previous shy characteristics, I do it all the time (imagine taking some kind of mental and fictitious drug, this helps with me because, like you, I am also shy). But!! The best person to give you advice on that, around here, is Nexxo. NEXXOOOOO!!! *echo* NEXXOOOOO.... *echo* NEXXOOOOO.......... *echo*
I have to agree with Prestidigitweeze here. The first rule of Geek Club is that you don't post for advice about relationships. The second rule of Geek Club is that you Don't. Post. For. Advice. About. Relationships. I mean, we're geeks: Are we really the best people to ask about relationships? Second, I'd have to ask you what you mean by: "She is shy". What makes you think she is shy? And is that attribution what makes you interpret her approach/avoidance behaviour as "flightiness"? I'm guessing that you think that you're dealing with a delicate litte creature (possibly hurt in a past relationship by an insensitive brute) that is easily frightened by the intimacy of your relationship. As such she is locked into an approach-avoidance dillemma and runs a mile every time things look like getting a bit serious (emotionally serious --people can have swining-from-the-chandeliers sex and still get freaked out by intimacy. Especially people who have swining-from-the-chandeliers sex. Promiscuity is not intimacy --but it can be a good defense against it). On the other hand, she could just be a Borderline Personality Disorder who is janking your chain. See the problem? I'd like you to think really hard about what makes you think that she is "shy". Projection is a wonderful thing. Just because people seem to behave like you do, or in a way that you personally recognise or identify or empathise with, doesn't mean that they are driven by the same thoughts, feelings and motivations as you. It sounds like a solid bit of distance regulation is happening here. She is happy to engage with you as casual friends, but anything more serious and she bolts. The fact that the abruptly cancelled the relationship without talking to you about how she felt, suggests to me that she isn't much in the habit of working things out. There could be an endless list of reasons for why she behaves like she does. Some are surmountable and are worth surmounting. Some reasons make it best to respect the distance that she is feeling comfortable with. You can't project your own interpretations on what is going on for her. I also wonder whether you are not romanticising this on again/off again relationship in hindsight, and possibly see it through rose-tinted specs. Is she really your "soul mate"? Or could she just see more than you could that this relationship, nice as it was, really wasn't going anywhere for her? If she is your soul mate, wouldn't she have felt able to at least talk things out with you? And if she can't, how much are you prepared to invest in a relationship to help her overcome this problem? Is she motivated to overcome that problem? Is it really a problem at all to her, or is it your problem that we're talking about here? Don't ask us. We're just geeks. Talk to her about how you feel, straight up, and see if you can understand what is going on for her.
There may be a reasonable explaination, but I bet my socks that it would end up with the OP picking up more pieces of his life, rather than it ending happily ever after. I've seen it happen, more than once, and frankly, I cannot suggest anyone even tries to deal with someone like this. It's not that it's entirely a waste of time, it gives you some much needed 'hard skin' - But if the OP is in this state at this stage alone, then it simply is not worth the heartache of carrying on. I'll have you know, some of us have social skills! Here is some proof: http://img508.imageshack.us/img508/2328/137tp9.jpg
Sadly, I've known both types -- perhaps because, like so many other musicians, I met them in frightening abundance, and was susceptible to the fantasy that unavailability = value; and great sex + intelligence + unavailability = a valuable long-term partner who will never grow boring. (And, yes, I do think that valuable is a telling adjective to apply to an actual person.) Think again, I say. Interpersonal issues that can't be resolved are ultimately the most boring -- far more so than investing the time to understand a less experienced partner who's healthy. The woman you (Nexxo) are describing often triggers the male equivalent of a Harlequin Romance fantasy: The soft-spoken girl in the high tower who needs rescuing, if only you could get her to grasp her predicament. The escapist scenario can prove addictive for both people: she benefits from vacillating between fascination and avoidance as much as he. Why some of us should easily grow obsessed with people who prove unavailable becomes clearer once certain false projected attributes (passivity, helplessness) are identified. If she's the one taking action by leaving repeatedly, then how passive is she? And what's the dynamic (not your impulse to pursue) telling you if she leaves?
