Some of us shouldn't be playing World of Warcraft, Some of us should be out buying a dictionary. Swinging is spelt just like; ^^^^^^ - that. Woohoo! I caught Nexxo in a mistake. Where's my cyber-cookie?
I once edited a book on netiquette for Masquerade Books. The most lasting rule I learned was never to flame anyone for grammar or spelling. The reason: email and posts exist in the region between informal writing and speech. The idea is to let people feel safe getting their thoughts out, not to bludgeon them into terse and inexpressive correctness. People need to be comfortable to continue a spontaneous conversation. If you're an anal-retentive editor, as I am, you'll quietly correct errors within quotes from people's posts and hope they either approve, don't care or don't notice. Beyond that, real intelligence is a matter of linking developed thoughts, transitions and associative leaps deftly, not typing efficiently. We have secretaries for that. Nexxo's doing something better.
Agree on all three counts. You are right about the addictive dynamic of the approach/avoidance dance (and it takes two to tango). It's a safe relationship because it never develops beyond this point to real intimacy, but it offers both partners the thrill of pursuit and being pursued; of desire and being desired. Luckily it never gets as far as disappointment, which is what both really fear: that underneath this intense engagement no emotional depth can be found (or more significantly, offered) at all. I don't think that is quite what is going on here for cyrilthefish because when he broke up the girl did nothing to re-engage him in the dance --immediately, at least. But I do agree with your astute remark that the girl is by no means the delicate shy creature that cyrilthefish projects on her. She is the more powerful one in this relationship --she has been leading this dance. I also think that you are right that cyrilthefish is projecting on the girl on an IMAX scale, and that his descriptions of her and their relationship are much more about his issues than hers. Hence I want him to really reflect on how he describes this girl, what about her appeals so much to him, and his own motivations for wanting to re-engage in a relationship that was so painful for him in the past.
wow, so much cynicism! The avoidance game as described by our saviour Nexxo can obviously be very harmful, but it can also be an accellerant for emotions that are otherwise inaccessible to some people. What you have to ask yourself is: do i want such a relationship? If you never try to normalise the relationship into something that you can be happy with, you will always feel bad about it and you will never forget her. If you try and fail, you will feel better about yourself, and better able to handle yourself with the next woman that tries to play you (they all do, get used to that ) I once had a crush on a very similar girl in some aspects, and then i decided that i would just be a friend and listen, instead of constantly be an emotional hostage while trying to get in her pants. I still got to be her hero, which made me feel good (and i needed the self-esteem boost), and she still got to use me for support and call me at impossible times (which i suppose had some payoff for her aswell). Again, i'm projecting your situation to my own experience.
Not true. Nexxo is de facto flawless, so if he spelled it like that, he must have had his reasons. Swining is probably something outrageously kinky only accessible to moderators. You and i could never catch him in a mistake, merely learn from all the ones he didn't make. Oh, and his name is in red, meaning he has a ban button. tread lightly!
Dude, you are putting wayyy too much value on this girl! There are many women out there, the trick isn't to completely invest your emotions in this girl who could easily walk all over you and leave you feeling like crap. You should start thinking about how to be more confident within your life, and get out there and meet some new women. I know it might seem like this chick could be the 'One' but there are many 'Ones'. If you are an incredibly nice guy, it sounds like you have pretty much won the race, the trick is to just bring yourself across to women as a strong, nice, non-needy guy. Convince yourself to go out with some mates one night, and just walk up to a girl you like the look of and ask her a completely non-relationship irrelevant question, and just have some banter with her as if you were talking to a mate. Don't hit on her, make friends with her. Then after that take it from there. I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but you need to show that amazing personality! If you want to chat about it more man, PM me! - Tibby
No, not toi, really. I'm just surprised at the fact that almost everyone here basically is advising retreat, regroup, reconcider. In love and war, I'm a big fan of letting things play out. The very best way to learn how others manipulate you is to be manipulated. The very best warning against having your heart broken is to have your heart broken. Unless the OP goes into some serious therapy for an extended period of time, he will not be able to put your otherwise excellent advice in practice. Go in, put on a helmet (and a condom!) and play out this lovestory, for better or worse. Best way to learn about yourself by far. Obviously he needs to keep watch of the things you said, but you make it sound like he should be sitting in his room alone while he figures it out. At least, that's what it sounds like to me, and for all i can see, i'm a pretty similar person (or was a couple of years ago). About the gameplaying: we all play WoW games. Flirting is one, for a start. What we have to be weary of is being played, which i think is what you meant too. I'm just being pedantic now to cover my own cynicism, so feel free to ignore this
Well I have to say my own opinion now then... cos everyone else has. My opinion is that you aren't confident in reltionships and neither is she, but I think she is controlling you emotionaly, but her problems aren't something she can deal with on her own, and they ain't something that you could take on either. Best thing to do here is, to learn to value yourself enough to understand why she does what she does, confront her and if there is denial, then let her know and then move on. You have found this girl because of your shynes, not because her shyness, if you see what I'm saying. It really should be that you love her because you make eachother happy and able to enjoy life. A relationship shouldnt be were you climb into it and tell the rest of the world goodbye, you should be able to face it outwardly and both be willing to confront every area together. Someone needs to grow from their weakness, either her, or you, and then you'll understand if being together is correct.
I'm sayin' nuffink!... It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all, but love tends to be blind. Taking risks is a necessary part of life, but it is best done eyes open and some self-knowledge. Admittedly I am thinking of what Transactional Analysis would refer to as Games: a series of reciprocal transactions that is ulterior and proceeds towards a predictable outcome or pay-off. Games often contain a switch in roles towards the end. Games can be classified as to their "seriousness". First degree games are probably what you are thinking of: harmless, enjoyable and acceptable social activities (like socialising, flirting or even no-strings-attached casual sex). I'm thinking more of second degree and third degree games: those that the players would like to conceal, though they may not cause irreversible damage, and those that could lead to drastic harm to one or more of the parties concerned.
I think two shy people trying to form a relationship would be more trouble then it's worth. You might have things in common but over time they'll get old. I think you'd be better off finding someone that's outgoing and would help you get out of your shy shell.
sorry very random but every time i see that picture of the sumo bean bag and the bloke with the hands over his face i think of richard hammond lol
Oh and to stay on topic, say you tell your relationship problems to bit-tech, a online community of modders/gamers who deal with this kind of stuff. She will understand then.
Next time she smiles at you in the corridoor stop her you: "Hi *whatever her name is*" her: "hi" you (whilst maintaining eye contact to looking at her mouth anywhere in that triangle eyes and mouth is good): "i was just thinking about you, come to dinner at my place tomorrow night, 7:30" her: "Yes I would love too!" You cook something, red wine, have sex, or just kiss her and her body until she begs you to do her, tell her that it was amazing, and she is like a sex goddess (your new private nickname for her from now on). Go rock climbing, bowling (something fun, not a movie where you both sit there for an hour and half) for second date (unless she returns the meal at hers). Have fun, if not, what's the point.
When you get past the bad grammer and typing there's some logic there, I guess! can't really compare it to your logic there, but that why I was hoping you would post, so cheers! With Cyrilthefish, I want him to progress to an understanding of the person he really should be, and the person she should really be. Even when the word flighty was used, I thought to myself, well thats not really blunt enough a word, is it?! I just hope he's not walking on eggshells with her that much that he has be be the loving hero who won't rock the boat. Thats what I'd be afraid of. I think for your good benefit cyril, you really should rock the boat and if you don't like the reaction then don't suffer the consequences, this will be progression and I'd love to know that you could take a leap of faith in who YOU are and try it, or in the long run it's going to be worst. I guess you could compare it to disciplining a child, you have to nip it in the bud, show the kid you are in charge and with a relationship, you have to show that you won't take being emontioanlly controlled, or passivley supressed.
The GP are out of their jurisdiction for this one, this is a job for the SP, if only the government would approve the plans for a combined SPAG agency, then we wouldn't need to worry about inter-agency co-operation.
Things are different for different people and particularly where relationships are concerned the strangest things can work. With some of my friends I seriously wonder how they've got through thirty or forty years of marriage without murdering each other but they have and seem very happy with it, happier in fact than some other friends who hardly argue at all. If I have any advice it would be to talk to her. In your position my instinct would be to try and tell her exactly how I felt. I would try inviting her out to somewhere that obviously isn't a date and, if she's as flighty as you say, somewhere she can leg it from without it being a big deal, a coffee shop or something similar. Then tell her what was good in the relationship from your point of view and what made things difficult and ask her the same sort of thing. If you talk about it and there's some huge obstacle to there being a relationship that will make you happy as well as her (pathological terror of being touched/ some religious commitment) then at least you know you've tried and you can get on with being friends (or not) either way you can move on without wondering "what if I'd...". If there isn't then it's more complicated but perhaps if she knows how you feel then maybe she'll be able to tell you that you're sitting too close or whatever rather than just telling you that its over. An alternative would be to write her a letter, that way you can make sure it says exactly what you want to say with much less chance of getting sidetracked or saying things you didn't intend to. It's also easier if you find talking about your feelings difficult. The final thing to say is that the whole thing is probably having an effect on her too, many of the posts in this thread appear to suggest if not malicious intent then certainly callousness on her part. It might very easily be that she doesn't like being afraid of affection/intimacy but doesn't recognise or cant admit even to herself that it's a problem. This is particularly painful to deal with as I well know. Moriquendi
