1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Other Should I stay with my girlfriend?

Discussion in 'General' started by stuartwood89, 21 Feb 2011.

  1. carpetmonster

    carpetmonster What's a Dremel?

    Joined:
    27 Jan 2011
    Posts:
    481
    Likes Received:
    25
    Without hearing her side of the story it is difficult (with respect) to get the correct perspective. The business of it is better to split and be happy than stay together and be miserable is used as a 'get out of jail' card for most people. My missus was an marriage guidance counseller for years and this was always the reason.

    Another thing was lots of blokes went into counselling with the attitude it was 'her not me' but when it was all worked through it was often the guy who was at fault. Women are a lot more tolerant than men. Having a baby and the issues with losing sleep and tantrums and stuff as the child grows up can place immense strain on a relationship. It is worth working at as your child grows too as things will become easier, especially if you work through things hands on.

    I think (personally) it is a cop out to go single just because you think you will be happier. You might not be and most of the people who say do that did it because they just couldn't be arsed with the responsibilities of parenthood.



    Split the accounts up and lay down the rules, not in a Victorian Dad style but in an obvious and logical manner. It might require some serious thought to work things out, but based on the fact you got together and had a kid, it is possible.

    Lastly, ignore any advice off a load of geeks on a forum. If you want to work things out, both of you, that is the first step.
     
  2. Nexxo

    Nexxo * Prefab Sprout – The King of Rock 'n' Roll

    Joined:
    23 Oct 2001
    Posts:
    34,644
    Likes Received:
    2,088
    QFT.
     
  3. M7ck

    M7ck Ⓜod Ⓜaster

    Joined:
    28 Mar 2009
    Posts:
    3,600
    Likes Received:
    167
    Ok some geeks on a forum are advising to ignore any advice given by geeks on a forum?:rolleyes:
     
  4. carpetmonster

    carpetmonster What's a Dremel?

    Joined:
    27 Jan 2011
    Posts:
    481
    Likes Received:
    25
    Yeah, what a paradox :rock:
     
  5. Nexxo

    Nexxo * Prefab Sprout – The King of Rock 'n' Roll

    Joined:
    23 Oct 2001
    Posts:
    34,644
    Likes Received:
    2,088
    Uh-oh. Don't divide by zero now or you'll break reality.
     
  6. Nealieboyee

    Nealieboyee Packaging Master!

    Joined:
    14 Aug 2009
    Posts:
    3,765
    Likes Received:
    402
    I think your girlfriend needs to grow up and realise that money has to be earned by working. She seems to have gotten used to the fact that you bring in money for her to spend. I've seen this before. Girl meets guy and is provided for. Then girl wants more and you must provide it. Its a habit that must be broken or you will end up in financial trouble. Do you have credit cards? Keep them away from her please....

    As for your daughter, living in a hostile environment is ten times worse than having parents that are split. I guarantee it as i had divorced parents. It will affect your child more than think. If you are not happy with your gf and do not love her, then leave. If you love her, get counselling so that she is made aware of your feelings about the situation, because she clearly doesn't want to hear it from you.
     
  7. Nexxo

    Nexxo * Prefab Sprout – The King of Rock 'n' Roll

    Joined:
    23 Oct 2001
    Posts:
    34,644
    Likes Received:
    2,088
    OK, now just as a mental exercise try and see the situation from the girl's point of view.
     
  8. stuartwood89

    stuartwood89 Please... Just call me Stu.

    Joined:
    20 Aug 2008
    Posts:
    1,566
    Likes Received:
    52
    I've actually had a talk with her today, I told her about the money situation, and I'm hoping that she'll take a more mature approach to it. All I really want from her is for her to be confident and happy, but I can't always make her happy. One of the reasons why we argue is because she tells me this - that I don't make her happy. When I hear this I sit down and think about what I need to do. As a person I'm useless at recognising emotions from people, and some women are incredibly hard to read. I'm not going to say all that about her and not say that I'm blameless in all this. I never intentionally upset her, I may forget something important, or blurt out something hurtful during a heated arguement, but I always take it back, because I often don't mean it. When she had our daughter, I forgot to buy her some flowers and a card. At the time, I wouldn't have given it a second thought, but now I just feel absolutely stupid about it, and it really upset her.
     
  9. chimmy09

    chimmy09 What's a Dremel?

    Joined:
    26 Jan 2010
    Posts:
    640
    Likes Received:
    54
    wat?

    he said they have been together for over 2 years and that the baby is 7 months old. It would be 8 months, not 4.
     
  10. carpetmonster

    carpetmonster What's a Dremel?

    Joined:
    27 Jan 2011
    Posts:
    481
    Likes Received:
    25
    +1

    As a kid when we had to write history essays, the teacher always said use 'empathy'. Later on in life I found out that means putting youself in the position of that person. Would probably work for a girlfriend as well as it worked for a 16th century Serf.
     
  11. stuartwood89

    stuartwood89 Please... Just call me Stu.

    Joined:
    20 Aug 2008
    Posts:
    1,566
    Likes Received:
    52
    That's about right actually. It wasn't planned, and I don't think neither of us expected to be in this position. I never see my daughter as a mistake - God forbid - there are just so many things that I used to be able to do before, and now I'm just stuck. It's not all bad though. Being a Dad motivates me to do better in life by getting a better career to provide for my family. The root of the problem here is that I don't think she sees the big picture. I want to put the hard work in now and save for the future, whereas she lives for today. It's a pretty bad clash to be honest.

    She told me today that she'll be taking an apprenticeship course in Accountancy (I know!), and I couldn't be happier for her. I want her to have a social life and a good career, both for her and because it takes a little heat off me.
     
  12. carpetmonster

    carpetmonster What's a Dremel?

    Joined:
    27 Jan 2011
    Posts:
    481
    Likes Received:
    25

    Heated argument....don't argue at all. That is a catalyst for long term resentment. You should always make a point through your actions and not via argument as the person you are arguing with will never see your point, from an egotistical stance. If you want to make a point, don't argue, infer it, demonstrate don't explicate.

    It is also easier to difuse an argument by apologising and agreeing with her. You don't have to mean it. To be honest if you are the sort of person who can't do that, because of your own ego, you don't deserve a relationship.

    Despite what idealists might say, a relationship is not equal. Unless you find a lady who is content with being the little woman to a 'victorian dad' then you have to give in a lot.

    That's how it works.
     
  13. Valo

    Valo Minimodder

    Joined:
    11 Aug 2004
    Posts:
    1,180
    Likes Received:
    22
    mature people don't seek someone who will make them happy, but someone they could share their happiness with. If your gf does not understand that, I'd fight my ass off to get the custody of the daughter and just leave.

    At the same time, mature people do sort issues out between themselves and intuitively know how to talk, make sure you talk to your girlfriend and come up with some resolution that makes things right.
     
  14. carpetmonster

    carpetmonster What's a Dremel?

    Joined:
    27 Jan 2011
    Posts:
    481
    Likes Received:
    25
    Unless there was evidence of neglect or similar that would be a complete waste of money, time, and emotional effort. The only other way it would work if she said, ok, I want the dad to have the child.
     
  15. sp4nky

    sp4nky BF3: Aardfrith WoT: McGubbins

    Joined:
    15 Jul 2009
    Posts:
    1,706
    Likes Received:
    53
    Good start :)

    Thinking that she's got an immature approach isn't so helpful. If you label it that way in your head, you might say it and that's only going to make things worse. She's got an approach that's different to yours - leave it at that.

    That's life. Sometimes things go wrong but don't fret about it. Just learn and move on.

    Okay, what does make her happy? Talk about it - talk to her, don't sit down on your own and think about what needs to be done. You're a couple, you're two people living together and trying to make the best of life... together. Talk about the problems and find joint solutions.
     
  16. Nexxo

    Nexxo * Prefab Sprout – The King of Rock 'n' Roll

    Joined:
    23 Oct 2001
    Posts:
    34,644
    Likes Received:
    2,088
    And there's the problem, right there.

    You are not responsible for making her happy. But while you rack your brains asking yourself how you are going to make her happy, you forget to ask the most important question:
    Also, as sp4nky aptly points out:
    What is really going on is this:
    Indeed not. But while you have found your own take on it...
    ...she has not:
    The reason that she doesn't see the big picture may well be because she is not involved in it. You go out and work your ass off, but that is your game plan, and I suspect one that you did not discuss with her. You are amongst colleagues and engaged in an activity that has meaning and purpose to you. She, on the other hand, sits at home all day with a demanding baby and nobody to talk to, and the thought that life is going to be like this for the next n years is driving her insane.

    I think it would be good for her because it reminds her that she is more than just a lactating baby-feeding, nappy-changing machine. You need to split the work, and split the baby-care between the both of you. Most importantly whatever game plan you have for the future, it is something that you BOTH should design and agree on. Else she has no ownership.

    Sorry, brain fart. I somehow had it stuck in my accumulator that 2 years = 20 months, not 24. :duh:
     
    Last edited: 21 Feb 2011
  17. greypilgers

    greypilgers What's a Dremel?

    Joined:
    23 Jan 2011
    Posts:
    442
    Likes Received:
    23
    Hi Carpetmonster - that stuff above just doesnt make sense, and doesnt help at all, Im afraid, mate.

    Don't argue at all? Only a catatonic can be capable of never arguing even in the face of someone desperate to argue with you. I mean, the guy's a human, not a robot.

    Kirk always beat Spock in the end so emotion is clearly better than cold logic! LoL...

    And trying to end every argument by simply giving in and apologising before agreeing with the other side does nothing except remove any equality in the relationship at all and turn you into a snivelling sycophant. If someone wants to be a snivelling sycophant, and someone wants to be with a snivelling sycophant, then thats fine, but a doormat you will be. There's nothing wrong in standing your ground for what you believe is right - doesnt mean you shouldnt be together. Partners dont always have to agree. Thats what makes things interesting - two different perspectives.

    Apologising without meaning it devalues the apology, and she will know this, ergo even when you really apologise for something you really mea, it will be just another apology in a long line of apologies that she wont care about.

    Saying that someone doesnt deserve a relationship unless they are prepared to roll over on every single argument or disagreement is such rubbish that I shan't justify by retorting...

    Just about the only thing I do agree with you on is that most relationships are not equal, but they are also not completely one-sided - especially not the healthy ones. It's all about GIVE and TAKE. Sometimes you give, and sometimes you take. Sometimes you are right, and sometimes you are wrong. It's all well and good saying to yourself in your own mind "I was right actually" but then showing no backbone at all and giving in just to avoid any confrontation doesn't work at all.

    We call those people surrender-monkeys!

    :D
     
    RinSewand likes this.
  18. carpetmonster

    carpetmonster What's a Dremel?

    Joined:
    27 Jan 2011
    Posts:
    481
    Likes Received:
    25
    Really ? Firstly not arguing is what they tell you in marriage and relationship guidance. It's in the official text, I know, i've read it.

    Secondly it might not make sense to you, but that is probably because you misunderstood what I put and took it literally. If someone mugs you and takes your wallet, you might well want to smash them in the goolies, but it isn't always practical...particularly if they have a knife to you, and you aren't Chuck Norris.

    Not arguing doesn't mean putting on a gimp mask and getting your missus to attach a lead to you before you walks all over you with high heels on. It means sniffing out the spirit of the times, avoiding arguments happening in the first place etc etc.
     
  19. greypilgers

    greypilgers What's a Dremel?

    Joined:
    23 Jan 2011
    Posts:
    442
    Likes Received:
    23
    Ha ha ha... Avoiding every argument possible? And you say OTHERS are idealists!

    And just because it says something in a book somewhere doesnt always make it right in every situation. Im sure it says something about that in there as well...

    And your point clearly doesnt stand, as Chuck Norris would NEVER get mugged in the first place... LoL...

    Anyway, differing views aside, the poor chap obviously has some issues that need resolving and I think that everyone agrees with me in wishing him well in however it turns out, and good luck.

    :thumb:
     
  20. No_Na_Me

    No_Na_Me PC & water, this can only end well

    Joined:
    16 Oct 2010
    Posts:
    40
    Likes Received:
    2
    Hi,

    read bits of this. And as a Dad with 2 kids & 50/50 access (one week with each parent) I know what you are going through

    Just so you know its can be done, and you can be a great Dad. And your Daughter will understand & Love you.

    Should you find no other solution.
     

Share This Page