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Other Should I stay with my girlfriend?

Discussion in 'General' started by stuartwood89, 21 Feb 2011.

  1. carpetmonster

    carpetmonster What's a Dremel?

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    I'd be interested to know if you are in a successful long term relationship or not, as it is clear you like arguing. I do however agree with everything you say and think you are correct and I am wrong.
    :thumb:

    (only kidding)
     
  2. greypilgers

    greypilgers What's a Dremel?

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    Ha ha... I like your style Carpetmonster! Actually, funnily enough, I hate arguing as I generally can't be bothered with it all.

    And no, at the moment I am not in a successful long term relationship, although that doesn't mean that I shouldn't, couldn't, or won't be, and certainly doesn't mean that it was my fault I am not at present. I am sure that someone with your level-headedness would not suggest such a shallow thing.

    :naughty:

    But I love your last comment. You're an alright guy, man - for what it's worth, I wish you well!

    :thumb:
     
  3. carpetmonster

    carpetmonster What's a Dremel?

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    I did put I was only kidding in my post. Scroll up.
     
  4. greypilgers

    greypilgers What's a Dremel?

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    I know...

    :D
     
  5. boiled_elephant

    boiled_elephant Merom Celeron 4 lyfe

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    Incidentally, this is one new emerging type of thread that I don't mind in the least. That said, I think we need a separate 'Personal' or 'relationships' tag for them. Who are we kidding, it's a big subject, and an important one, and it sure as hell affects as many people as, say, motor enthusiasm.

    (I have no on-topic comments. Relationships endlessly mystify me; I'm resigned to never understanding them completely.)
     
  6. Zero_UK

    Zero_UK What's a Dremel?

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    I was reading this earlier before a lecture started so I didn't have time to make a response, but I'm just glad finally it's come to you talking to each other. In advanced: I probably won't proof read this as I bet it will end up a wall of text and it's late, so bare with any bad grammar etc. So lets get started:


    Lets address one possible set of conditions:
    Situation:
    Life Changes:
    I'm guessing your fairly young - i.e. mid twenties to early thirties and you have because involved with a woman which became serious. Two years down the line and you find yourself living with this person, who you are now engaged to and you have a child together. Considering you say you feel trapped I'll say you were pretty outgoing, and only had to worry for yourself more or less two years ago.

    How you feel about it:
    Your life has taken such a radical turn in, lets face it - a short period of time, it's no wonder you are feeling trapped. The fact that you are going through a tough spot is just going to make those feelings stronger. Your response if feeling if you should leave her as we all wish we could be a kid again at times as there is so much little to worry about. Always reverse it and look at it from her point of view - is she the same? Is she not just afraid that she is growing up and is suddenly finding herself with real life problems and has to provide for a child and is going to be married soon?

    How she might feel about it:
    What I'm saying is even though she might not know it, her way of lashing out to remove this stress is by being irresponsible in financial situations. Also, the more clear one and probably the one that boyfriends and husbands are most aware of is lashing out at them. Why? it's sometimes nice to get a load off your chest or to feel a sense of freedom/luxury if she can just buy something. You said she buys you some nice gifts as well, which goes to show that she is thinking of you and when she says nasty things about you she doesn't mean it.

    Solutions?

    Understanding/Communication:
    There has to be an understanding of your situation on both sides. I know this sounds obvious but I mean emotional feelings towards each other. Sit down and opening up to each other. This is by no means a confrontation! Not something that is just say: "Look, we need to talk right now!" Or being overly defensive. Engaging in a aggressive argument just instantly "fails" any useful purpose. It'll just leave you both angry at each other and feeling stupid. My advise to you to try is if she loses it and tries to spark an argument, no matter how hard it is... do not reply defensively or with aggression. Heck, just throw your arms around her and give her a hug. Show affection, this might seem strange to her at first but it will probably stop her hostility. Or if she tries to move away, try and hold her hand, massage it. Seems a supportive/passive, but it is so much more powerful in the long run. Dont hold a grudge, it's not worth it. Sure I don't know her personality and this might be a "facepalm" fail but it will be no more than just arguing back.

    Goals/Rewards:
    It sounds like your all down with stress, and your financial situation is suffering. You managed to save up £1.5k through good savings? Excellent, even though it's not happening now that is an excellent benchmark to how you could reach this level of savings. There has to be an equilibrium between finance and luxury. Both you and your girlfriend are on the opposite ends of the scale. I'm suggesting that the way you come to a compromise is your own targets and rewards. Save money, and every few weeks you and your girlfriend have a night out together. Or, if a bit more money is saved a family weekend away together. Or if you agree to save for longer a holiday and maybe even abroad when your daughter is a bit older. A little bit tight or worked extra hard one week? Cook dinner for her, do something fun together i.e. go around to the shop and buy a 75p cookie mix and have some fun/being a bit more immature or go for romantic and massage her - ask her what she likes, rub her head a bit (In short allow yourselves to drop the serious reality of life for a bit of immaturity or affection with each other). -She'll do her part soon enough to make you feel better.

    Summary:
    The important thing to remember is that you need some luxury there as there will not be a time when you do not have financial worries and you may spend so much time compromising to reach a comfort zone that your lives are all about work. You are family now, she is your family - not legally but your set to be married and you have a daughter. Aim for a happy family life where you operate as one.

    I hope that wall of text comes to some use (Positive use...) Good luck to you and your family sir.


    "Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty... I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led diffcult lives and led them well." - Theodore Roosevelt
     
  7. stuartwood89

    stuartwood89 Please... Just call me Stu.

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    Hey guys. I just read all these replies and I have to say, they have given me a new found understanding of the matter. It's even more obvious now that I have to pull my weight more and show some more affection towards her. Maybe then she'll start to understand my way of thinking. I just wanted to say thank you to all that replied, offering a variety of valid opinions, you've all been a true inspiration. I just wish I could have worked all this out myself, I guess I have some work to do :)
     
  8. KayinBlack

    KayinBlack Unrepentant Savage

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    No one sees themself objectively.

    Spend a bit of money on her yourself and take her out for a night. Get a sitter, take the phone off the hook (figuratively) and show her some attention. She might tell you a lot then, and if not, it might simply help with her self esteem.

    (Last I checked, I'm still certified as a counselor and I just had a little one myself six weeks ago, so I'm in a similar situation. Your mileage may vary, and the creator of this post assumes no liability for fire, flood, locust swarm, act of God or pregnancy resulting in its execution.)
     
  9. mvagusta

    mvagusta Did a skid that went for two weeks.

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    That sounds awesome dude :thumb:

    Oh, and btw, if you actually do figure out a way for a woman to understand a man's way of thinking, be a good chap and lets us know about it :confused:
     
  10. Nexxo

    Nexxo * Prefab Sprout – The King of Rock 'n' Roll

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    Oh, FFS. Have you even been listening?!?

    You're doing it again. This is not about you pulling your weight even more. This is not about you coming up with a solution all by yourself. This is about BOTH of you coming up with a plan on how you are BOTH going to get what you BOTH want. By placing all the responsibility on your own shoulders, all noble and manly as it may be, you are disempowering her and reducing her to the child you complain she behaves as.

    And then you hope that she'll somehow magically read your mind and 'understand', because women are telepathic like that, no? No! Talk WITH her. This is not the same as talking to her. Build a vision of your life together, together. It has to be her dream as much as yours, and her inspiration, ownership, responsibility as much as yours. Don't make it your solo project and then wonder why she does not feel engaged.

    Zero_UK has good practical points to consider.
     
  11. mvagusta

    mvagusta Did a skid that went for two weeks.

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    WOW Nexxo :eyebrow:

    I totally didn't read stuartwood89's response as him planning on controlling his fiancée and treating her like a child :confused:
    All I read was that he can see that he can help out more, and show her some more affection! Methinks this is good yes?

    But yeah, ok, it does sound like you two haven't talked about which way you want to go about living life, at least not in regards to money, so as it's been suggested, get someone to take care of bub for an hour or two, take your fiancée out somewhere nice and have a chat :thumb:
    WITH her not TO her of course /HarshNexxoVoiceOfReason
     
  12. confusis

    confusis Kiwi-modder

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    I've been in a VERY similar situation.

    Leave her. If you're stressed and unhappy, your daughter will pick it up. An environment where a parent/the parents are stressed is a bad place for a kid. Find someone who is happy to do their part.
     
  13. Mattmc91

    Mattmc91 Minimodder

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    Unless you both want to make it work, there's no point in trying. Sit down and talk to her instead of talking to a bunch of people you've never met on the internet.
     
  14. Nexxo

    Nexxo * Prefab Sprout – The King of Rock 'n' Roll

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    No, bad news, because he is not involving her in the solution.

    Girlfriend feels unhappy. She told him so. She probably feels unhappy because she feels disempowered; because she is stuck at home with a baby all day. So she behaves like disempowered people do: irresponsibly. And she is spending irresponsibly because she has no other rewards in her life.

    Stu here tries to resolve the situation in a painfully typical manly way: by drawing all the responsibility to himself. It's down to him to provide, down to him to make her happy and down to him to resolve this relationship problem. He will just have to try harder. And hopefully she'll start to see things his way.

    But in drawing all responsibility to himself, he is also pulling all power and responsibility away from her. He is treating her like a child who he has the responsibility of care for, not as an equal partner who stands beside him, has joint ability and responsibility to look at their situation and work together towards a solution with him. What about her dreams? Her vision? Her solutions?

    Girlfriend desperately wants to be an empowered, contributing adult. This is why she wants to enrol in an Accountancy course. But note how even here Stu makes a condescending remark: how can a girl so irresponsible with money be any good at that?

    A marriage is a partnership of two equally empowered adults. She has to feel involved and in control as much as he does. But he is not letting her. He isn't even asking her what makes her happy; he has already decided what will make her happy, and that it is something he will do to her rather than something they will both do for the both of them.
     
  15. mvagusta

    mvagusta Did a skid that went for two weeks.

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    Ahh now I know where you're coming from Nexxo, but I wouldn't be surprised if hubby being more helpfull with bub was one of her solutions! So if he thinks he can and wants to do more, fine! I guess he just needs to remember to empower his fiancée by asking what chore she'd like him to do or help out with, instead of just taking charge.

    This reminds me of when my wife was pregnant, I would insist on doing all of the cooking instead of taking turns, but she wasn't too happy with that :grr: So I had to let her cook at least once a week, and I had to remember to ask her what she wanted for dinner, instead of just making the decision all by myself. I also had to try and not mess up her kitchen too much, and forget about insisting on cleaning up all by myself, she'd do half the cleaning, then go over the bits I did :rolleyes:

    Ya, talk to fiancée you must now.
     
  16. Nexxo

    Nexxo * Prefab Sprout – The King of Rock 'n' Roll

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    Nobody likes to feel disempowered. Stu and girlfriend need to agree together about the baby care and work responsibilities. They both need to agree on their long term life goals and their more immediate rewards that make life worth living. It can't be a unilateral thing. Some compromises may have to be made. That's how relationships work.
     
  17. Zoon

    Zoon Hunting Wabbits since the 80s

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    I'm of the school of thought that "the man provides and the woman is a princess" and in the current era of independence and equality, it causes a significant amount of friction with myself and my betrothed.

    The one thing she tells me all the time she wants, is for me to listen.

    I would pick up on one bit of earlier advice; see if you can get a babysitter for the night, take her out somewhere neutral that you can hear each other talk and listen.

    Its hard. The part of me which demands I provide for my woman makes me want to chase away all the demons and offer solutions.

    Don't.

    Listen, until she has nothing more to say. Participate in the conversation but don't make any decisions, or suggest alternatives. Wait until you can ask her what you think needs to be done about it, and then have a discussion.

    I've still not got this right, but at least the last time I had to sit down and do this properly, we discovered my other half wanted a new, more fulfilling job, and ultimately it was agreed that I'd be doing the cooking every week-night as she'd have a longer commute.

    Probably after my impending marriage it'll be time for another talk about what the next goal is we're going to work together towards :thumb:

    As long as you're both arguing it shows there is passion and there's something worth staying together for.

    If its just you taking the crap and not caring what she says, or vice versa, then its time to go.
     
    Last edited: 22 Feb 2011
  18. stuartwood89

    stuartwood89 Please... Just call me Stu.

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    Oh I definatley do my fair share of stuff around the house, and I change pretty much every nappy when I'm not at work, make up bottles, feed the baby etc, but usually because she asks me to. I don't mind doing these things, and I'll often do them without being told to. It's when she says I never do anything that it starts to get frustrating.

    And the last thing I want to do is control her. I've always felt like she controls me, and people we know have noticed this, but I don't know how to tell her that. I suppose I should have gone into that a bit more in the OP. I never meant to sound condecending towards her decision to take that course, and I'd never feel threatened if she was to make more money or become more sucessful than me.
     
  19. memeroot

    memeroot aged and experianced

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    Communication clearly an issue...

    I personally dont think much of relate but it is an option.
     
  20. Nexxo

    Nexxo * Prefab Sprout – The King of Rock 'n' Roll

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    She is trying to re-assert a sense of control that she feels she has lost. She may well get it wrong which us experienced by you as controlling. A need to control often comes from a sense of being out of control. Similarly when she says that you never do anything she is jut talking about her experience of it; perhaps she just feels that you don't do enough what she needs/wants you to do. Find out what that is. Perhaps she doesn't need you to change nappies etc. as much as she needs you to do other things. Find out.

    Zoom hits the nail on the head. You may place expectations on yourself that she does not have and perhaps does not feel are all that important. Similarly perhaps she feels unhappy about the expectations she perceives you to place on hers. Talk it out.
     

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