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The Haynes Manual / English Dictionary

Discussion in 'General' started by GreatOldOne, 3 Aug 2007.

  1. GreatOldOne

    GreatOldOne Wannabe Martian

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    Ah, the Haynes manual. Beloved of all amateur grease monkeys everywhere, they have a patois all of their own. However, if you're not familiar with Haynes-isms, here's a handy translation guide:

    Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
    Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

    Haynes: This is a snug fit.
    Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: This is a tight fit.
    Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

    Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
    Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

    Haynes: Pry...
    Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into it...

    Haynes: Undo...
    Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

    Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
    Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

    Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
    Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

    Haynes: Lightly...
    Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: Weekly checks...
    Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

    Haynes: Routine maintenance...
    Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you...

    Haynes: One spanner rating.
    Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?

    Haynes: Two spanner rating.
    Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

    Haynes: Three spanner rating.
    Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

    Haynes: Four spanner rating.
    Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

    Haynes: Five spanner rating.
    Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

    Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
    Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

    Haynes: Compress...
    Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

    Haynes: Inspect...
    Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

    Haynes: Carefully...
    Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

    Haynes: Retaining nut...
    Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

    Haynes: Get an assistant...
    Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

    Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
    Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

    Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
    Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

    Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
    Translation: Snap off...

    Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
    Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: Everyday toolkit
    Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone

    Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
    Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: Index
    Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.


    :lol:
     
  2. mookboy

    mookboy BRAAAAAAP

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    So, so, true... the spanner ratings! LMFAO! And I never type LMFAO...
     
  3. capnPedro

    capnPedro Hacker. Maker. Engineer.

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    After fixing cars and bikes with my dad for several years, I have to say that you sir, have nailed it.

    "If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this..." You should see some of the crazy widgets my dad had to create...
     
  4. E.E.L. Ambiense

    E.E.L. Ambiense Acrylic Heretic

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    LOL. The one that really got me was 'Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
    Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"'

    I know we've all been there before!
     
  5. ufk

    ufk Licenced Fool

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    Interiors are nearly as much fun as engines.. i hate bloody clips that break no matter how carefully you remove a panel (which is a major part of my job.. )

    Haynes book of fairy tales is its common name amongst my friends
     
  6. mookboy

    mookboy BRAAAAAAP

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    ...and the photos are always of a different variation of the car you're working on too...
     
  7. GreatOldOne

    GreatOldOne Wannabe Martian

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    I can't take credit for it - someone sent it to me at work, but it was so perfect it warranted a post here. ;)
     
  8. ch424

    ch424 Design Warrior

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  9. glaeken

    glaeken Freeeeeeeze! I'm a cawp!

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    That was just hilarious. So, so, true. Good post.
     
  10. Xen0phobiak

    Xen0phobiak SMEGHEADS!

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  11. slugs

    slugs Member

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    enjoyed both viriants
     
  12. Nexxo

    Nexxo Stopped treating this country as if it was his own

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    :hehe: It's funny because it's true... :D

    Perhaps we should have a dictionary for modding guides. Any ideas?

    e.g.:

    "Attach the heatsink"

    Translation:

    "Try and make sense of the handfull of different screws, nuts, washers, brackets, clips and springs which were conveniently included to accomodate every conceivable type of CPU socket, but not so conveniently labeled as to indicate which you require for which. Try every screw. Then try every bolt. Also try all different permutations of retaining clip and bracket until you find what seems to fit best. Bend the clips which were slightly the wrong shape anyway. Spend three-quarters of an hour on hands and knees going through shag pile carpet finding that blasted spring. Then hold the heatsink in place with one hand, insert the screws in the holes with the other and fasten with a screwdriver held by your third. Slip several times, possibly dislocating some vital surface mounted components or damaging some tracks on the motherboard. Tighten until you hear the CPU die crack. Connect the heatsink fan to find the cable does not quite reach the CPU fan socket. Now remove the heatsink in order to be able to seat the RAM by following the reverse process (cursing at different stages is optional). Re-mount the sink. Turn on the PC and look at your CPU temperature skyrocket. Realise that you forgot to connect the CPU fan. Note how your temperatures do not significantly improve. Realise with a sinking feeling that you ommitted the application of any thermal paste. Turn off the PC, remove the heatshink..."

    Or:

    "Insert CD-ROM and install Windows"

    Translation:

    "Light some candles. Place your PC inside a pentagram drawn on the floor in a safe, remote place. Pray to your Gods, sacrifice a goat, and utter some arcane incantations as you insert the CD-ROM. Follow the instructions and then curse loudly as the install absolutely refuses to accept the registration code printed on the CD-ROM case (you did buy a legal version, did you?). Agree to the EULA and sell your soul to Bill Gates (realise that Satan would have given you a better deal). Complete the ritual and find that "Minimum PC Specification Required" was written as an article of faith rather than as a technical instruction."
     
  13. mikeuk2004

    mikeuk2004 What you Looking at Fool!

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  14. Hugo.B

    Hugo.B New Member

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    TGOO is absolutely correct, as can be verified by so many people...:wallbash:
    Nexxo is right, we need to port it over to the PC.
    Just imagine the section for watercooling...
     
  15. Scirocco

    Scirocco Boobs, I have them, you lose.

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    I remember that manual from when I had my Austin-Healey Sprite! Thanks for the great laugh.
     
  16. Bungle

    Bungle Rainbow Warrior

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    Made my day reading that....superb.:lol::clap:
     

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