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News Wildfire destroys Hewlett Packard founders' archive

Discussion in 'Article Discussion' started by bit-tech, 30 Oct 2017.

  1. bit-tech

    bit-tech Supreme Overlord Staff Administrator

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    Read more
     
  2. Locknload

    Locknload Jolly Good Egg

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    There seems to be an awful lot of "paper evidence" being destroyed lately. Hmm?
     
  3. ZERO <ibis>

    ZERO <ibis> Member

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    "Key documents from its founders have been destroyed, however, in a wildfire which hit California's Santa Rosa"

    Did anyone else see a problem with the above sentence?
     
  4. Gareth Halfacree

    Gareth Halfacree WIIGII! Staff Administrator Super Moderator Moderator

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    No... but, then again, I wrote it. Care to elucidate?
     
  5. IamSoulRider

    IamSoulRider Member

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    I think it's the comma before the however. It completely changes the tone of the sentence, like you are branching into a however, whereas however is a complete part of the previous sentence, so shouldn't be paused. The below feels like a sentence:

    Key documents from its founders have been destroyed however, in a wildfire which hit California's Santa Rosa.

    The original feels like it is in need of a continuation:

    Key documents from its founders have been destroyed, however, in a wildfire which hit California's Santa Rosa, there was a life saving miracle..

    I know what I mean, forgive the explanation..
     
  6. wolfticket

    wolfticket Downwind from the bloodhounds

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    I'm not sure about the technicalities but I'll 2nd that definitely seems a bit wonky.

    While , however, is perhaps a little unwieldy in itself I think possibly it's mainly down to it not being clear what the however refers to? I'm not sure there is anything prior to suggest they should have been protected. That is implied below.

    That said I think the main issue is that it simply repeats the information in the first paragraph without adding anything. Personally I'd either lose it all together or maybe add some extra context.
     
  7. Gareth Halfacree

    Gareth Halfacree WIIGII! Staff Administrator Super Moderator Moderator

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    Ah! I was looking for factual errors, like it wasn't a wildfire or Santa Rosa wasn't in California...

    Right, how's about:

    Better?
    Ah, the first paragraph (the one in bold) is known as the lede, and acts as a summary of the article for attention-grabbing purposes. It would be unusual for the contents of the lede to not be repeated in the article body - just as it would be unusual for a traditional summary at the end of a non-journalistic piece to not repeat, in simplified form, what you have already read.

    Think of it like a trailer, except spoilers are a good thing rather than a bad thing!
     
    IamSoulRider likes this.
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