Other Work getting in the way of relationships...

I'm sure this is a problem for many people just not sure what to do about it, if I should at all.

So I've chosen to be single for a couple of years after ending a relationship I didn't want anymore; in that time I have worked crazy hours. Not because I have to but because I really enjoy my job. I'm a freelance electronic engineer and doing really well at the moment, with more jobs that I can handle and good money coming in. Thing is, the work is intense and I'm left nearly brain dead in the evenings, this means I'm just never in the mood to meet people. I very rarely have more than one day off a week for months at a time. When I do and relax I get in the mood for a potential relationship and so I'll download an app, get some dates lined up and then end up cancelling them due to this feeling once I'm back at work.

Does anyone else have something like this? How did you deal with it?

 

I came to the conclusion that, despite societal pressure, I was actually much happier single.
Now I have the attitude that if something comes my way, so be it, if not that's fine too.

 

If you're happy, don't worry.

There is not a one-size fits all answer to 'how to be happy'.

 

As said, if it makes you happy and you are content then all power to you.

I'm finished with relationships. I've spent over half of my life trying to make others happy, whilst being left miserable. Life alone is great. Had the best holiday this year ever, because I was alone. No getting up and "You alright babe? want me to walk down the club and get you a coffee, babe?" none of that crap just sheer unadulterated do what I wanted to do.

 

To me, that's the only way to be. I feel like a lot of people looking for a relationship aren't looking for the right reasons (based on precisely zero evidence or research) and possibly aren't going to be of benefit to whoever they end up with.

My longest running relationships (although, take my advice at your own peril, I'm hardly writing peer-reviewed dating thoughts) have been ones I stumbled into.

I guess it depends, when you do get home from work tired, whether you miss having someone to go to, or come to you. If not, then maybe now's not the time. If you do, maybe back off on the work a little bit so you have the motivation post-work to go and meet someone.

 

Priorities, pick one. You can focus on furthering your career or finding a partner.
If you can compromise enough to go on a date you probably aren't that interested.
Do you really want to find someone or do you just think you should/your mates are bugging you?

 

Just my tuppence.

Work, as much as you've enjoy it, has been your release. Time to start easing off and picking up some old hobbies, or maybe some new ones that you've wanted to try. Far better to meet someone through stuff that you enjoy.

Personally, I've found dating apps a waste of time and gave up on them - I was also getting annoyed by the fact that IMHO women seemed to have all the power, whereas you've got to realise that as a man you shouldn't be fighting for attention. When I came to this realisation, I decided to to do stuff I enjoyed rather than trying to appeal to some sort of imaginary ideal woman and have been much happier. Oddly enough, that's when women actually started randomly talking to me out and about - I think the subtle change in outlook was picked up upon. Having said all of that, my friend met his missus online.

Just know that the hot/crazy thing is very true! Also, far better to find a woman that has several interests. Nothing more boring than a chick who's obsessed with social media and just looking good in the gym the whole time, taking pictures of her lunch of half a gram of cottage cheese and some diet pills...Don't get hung up on age either - I seem to get on much better with women who are about a decade older or younger than me than my own age. Seriously, are all single women about the age of 30-35 psychotic at the moment or what?

Apologies if the above is misconstrued as sexist in some way. Just how the world seems to work for me at the moment, as the overprivileged white male I am. And don't feel you have to have a partner - many of my married friends have all had their moments where they told me they envy the freedom I still have. One of my friends recently commented that out of all of our 'group', I was the only one still smiling!

 

If you want a partner then you need to carve out some time.

Both me and the OH work strange hours so we hardly see each other during the week despite being in the same house, so we set Sunday afternoons aside for "family time".

Life's to short to be working all the time.

 

Thank you all for your advice. I think I'll just take it a little easier on the work then, the new year should be a little tamer. I'll let things go a little more naturally I think.

 

Just remember not to rush it or get too invested in finding a relationship. The coupling of love and marriage is a fairly recent sociological development. It's only really been around since the industrial revolution, and 100 years ago you would likely have been dead at 40. These days it's double that, triple if you only consider adult years... so it's like stretching out a thin book JRR Tolkien book and assuming it'll work over 3 movies.

 

What's a... "relationship"?

 

It's where you 'jointly' decide things with someone else and conclude the best course of action is their idea.

 

Some form of software dependency from what I recall.

 

Relationships aside... I think you should dial back your work commitments for the sake of your own well-being. You won't get any real fulfilment from life if you only have one "rest" day per week, and (as you've discovered) it's not conducive to being a functional human being in your free time.

Around five years ago I was working silly hours and it put a real strain on my marriage, and I learned the hard way that personal health and family should always come first. My current job would never be more than 35 hours per week, and because I'm doing contract work at the moment I'm keeping it below 30 hours a week, which is great for now. My wife works too (she earns more than me) so we don't have any immediate financial concerns.

There are pros and cons across the board; you just have to find the balance that suits you.

 

Aye, working all hours always comes back to bite you eventually.

 

At least you're in a situation where you're able to sustain your household based on your earnings alone - many families have both parents working full-time (or close to it).

That's not meant to diminish the hard work or long hours that you put in, of course

 

Oh I know mate, choice is a luxury unfortunately.

Years of shift work, working all hours and a subsequent bad lifestyle around it is what put my dad in the grave at 61.

But when it's recently reported 4 million workers are in poverty the option to reduce hours, well, it doesn't exist.

If you have the ability to choose, choose life.
* Dum dum dum dum dum de der de dum - runs through Edinburgh *

 

@Gareth Halfacree , I take my hat off to you for grafting as hard as you do. Just make sure that you actually do relax a bit more once circumstances allow - I know from experience that it's all too easy to become inured to working long hours (and especially to having that extra money coming in).