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LOL Your best joke

Discussion in 'General' started by sotu1, 22 Aug 2008.

  1. jhanlon303

    jhanlon303 The Keeper of History

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    A pizza with radius Z and thickness A has the volume Pi*Z*Z*A.

    I sent that one to my son and granddaughter. They both used it in high school math class
     
  2. SouperAndy

    SouperAndy To Bumble or not to Bumble?

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    What's the difference between the USA and yoghurt?

    After 200+ years the yoghurt would've developed a culture :eek:)
     
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  3. kenco_uk

    kenco_uk I unsuccessfully then tried again

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    The mrs had sent me to do some shopping, and I was walking back home with a bag of essentials. Cigarettes. Beer. Microwave Curry.

    As I was walking down an alley, someone grabbed me from behind. Without thinking, I whipped out my newly purchased deodorant and a lighter shouting, “Bugger off, or I’ll set you alight!”

    The mugger just creased up laughing and I was wondering why until I realised I’d bought roll-on deodorant.
     
  4. quietguy

    quietguy D'orc

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    One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him, and during her questions about his life she asked him what he did about sex.

    "What's that?" he asked.

    She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree!"

    Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly."

    She took off her clothes, dropped to the ground and spread her legs wide.

    "Here," she said, "You must put it in here."

    Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.

    Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

    "Tarzan check for bees first!"
     
  5. Spaceraver

    Spaceraver Ultralurker

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    There was once a rich sultan, that had many beautiful women in his harem.
    He sat on his throne, and every time he bought a new wife, he would send a 12 year old boy to get her..
    The boy ran and everything was in order.
    The sultan reached the age of 112 before passing on, but the boy died at the age of 40.
    And that proves that sex has never hurt anyone. It's the chasing after ***** that kills you.
    _______________________________

    Things that are hard to say, when you're drunk:
    1. Innovative
    2. Premenstrual
    3. Polyfyla
    4. Mississippi

    Things that are very hard to say, when you're drunk.
    1. Specification
    2. British Constitution
    3. Passive-aggressive disorder
    4. Transubstantiate

    Things that are impossible to say, when you're drunk:
    1. No, I don't want to sleep with you!
    2. No thanks, I have had enough to drink.
    3. Sorry, you're not my type.
     
  6. [PUNK] crompers

    [PUNK] crompers Dremedial

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    saw my owl friend the other day, he told me he's engaged

    i said you-twit to-who?
     
  7. quietguy

    quietguy D'orc

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    The Marine Infantryman
    Gunnery Sergeant Steven Miller, USMC
    As Seen By Himself:

    A Stout, Handsome, Highly-Trained Professional Killer and Female Idol, who wears a star sapphire ring, carries a finely honed K-Bar, is covered with a crisp cammie cover and is always on time due to the reliability of his Seiko Diver's Watch.
    As Seen By His Wife:

    A stinking, gross, foul mouthed bum, who arrives home every 6 months or so with a seabag full of filthy utilities, a huge ugly watch, an oversized knife, a filthy hat, and a hard-on.
    As Seen By Headquarters:

    A drunken Brawling, HMMWV stealing, women corrupting liar, with a star sapphire ring, Seiko watch, unauthorized K-Bar, and a f---ed up cover.
    As Seen By His Commanding Officer:

    A fine specemin of a drunken Brawling, HMMWV stealing, women corrupting bullshitter, with a star sapphire ring, fantastically accurate Seiko watch, finely honed razor sharp K-Bar, and a salty cammie cover.
    As Seen By Headquarters Marine Corps:

    An over paid, over-rated, tax burden, who is however, indespensible since he will volunteer to go anywhere, at any time, and kill whoever he is told to, as long as he can, drink, brawl, steal HMMWV's, corrupt women, kick cats, lie, sing dirty songs, wear filthy cammies, big Sapphire rings, over-sized knives, Seiko watches and really f---ed up covers.
     
  8. wst

    wst Active Member

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    ...the joke I wanted to submit was about 38000 characters too long. That's quite annoying...
     
  9. Alekoy

    Alekoy Ostekake!

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    Three guys from England, Germany and Norway met at an airport and after some talking the English guy said, if I had to be something else than a englishman, I would bee a german.
    To wich the german replied, if I had to be something else than a german, I would be a englishman.

    Both the german and the englishman then looked at the norwegian, that after some seconds replied, if I had to be something else than a norwegian, I would be a shamed.... :p
     
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  10. RickDawson

    RickDawson Member

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    let's keep the joke clean...













    soap.
     
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  11. quietguy

    quietguy D'orc

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    +rep! :thumb:
     
  12. Thacrudd

    Thacrudd Where's the any key?!?

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    Thread's been dead far too long :)



    A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

    She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, and then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

    The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

    The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

    After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

    It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back....
     
  13. mvagusta

    mvagusta Did a skid that went for two weeks.

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    How do you make a woman so wet, she wants to screw you in every way possible, including out of half of everything you own?

     
  14. Fisher.

    Fisher. partially impartial

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    The KKK aren't racist. I'll tell you how I know.

    There's always at least one black guy hanging around

    I'll get my coat...
     
  15. Mr A

    Mr A Harpsman

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    What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

    The wheelchair.
     
  16. Brooxy

    Brooxy Like a boss (but not a boss)

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    What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

    being raped...
     
  17. quietguy

    quietguy D'orc

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    FTFY :thumb:
     
  18. Ryu_ookami

    Ryu_ookami I write therefore I suffer.

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    A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

    The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blond seems to be having a hard time choosing.

    Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

    The blonde promptly replies, "fifteen inches."

    "Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

    The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor

    The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

    The blond says, "Hello .... I've got Windows!"


    ============================


    The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

    The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

    The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

    The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

    Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

    As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and spends the night.

    The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

    The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

    As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

    She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

    The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE."

    The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

    Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:
    "Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time.......... . BRING POSSE!!!!"

    =========================
     
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  19. jhanlon303

    jhanlon303 The Keeper of History

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    Apple iPad.
     
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  20. jhanlon303

    jhanlon303 The Keeper of History

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    Sorry slipped. Make up for it?

    A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and are very young.

    10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

    10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

    10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

    10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they have never been there before.


    Birthday coming up! Message from a lady.

    john
     

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