1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

LOL Your best joke

Discussion in 'General' started by sotu1, 22 Aug 2008.

  1. Gooey_GUI

    Gooey_GUI Wanted: Red Shirts

    Joined:
    3 Dec 2002
    Posts:
    2,336
    Likes Received:
    39
    WWII - Joke

    Scene: a crossroads in the middle of nowhere on a dark night.

    Someone approaches -

    Sentry - "Halt, who goes there?"

    Reply - "God bless the Queen!"

    Sentry replies - "Pass Britisher!"


    Somebody else approaches

    Sentry - "Halt who goes there?"

    Reply - "Vive la France"

    Sentry replies - "Pass Frenchie!"


    Somebody else approaches

    Sentry - "Halt who goes there?"

    Reply - "Who the Hell wants to know!?"

    Sentry replies -
    "Pass American!"

    :hehe:
     
    Last edited: 22 Aug 2008
  2. Gooey_GUI

    Gooey_GUI Wanted: Red Shirts

    Joined:
    3 Dec 2002
    Posts:
    2,336
    Likes Received:
    39
    Last edited: 22 Aug 2008
  3. keir

    keir S p i t F i r e

    Joined:
    5 Oct 2003
    Posts:
    4,380
    Likes Received:
    49

    Image no worky!
     
  4. modgodtanvir

    modgodtanvir Prepare - for Mortal Bumbat!

    Joined:
    28 May 2007
    Posts:
    1,960
    Likes Received:
    2
    Wha...? I can see it... maybe its your browser...
     
  5. sotu1

    sotu1 Ex-Modder

    Joined:
    24 Aug 2007
    Posts:
    2,883
    Likes Received:
    26
    You all probably know this one but here goes:

    If World War Two had been an online Real Ttime Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this:

    *Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
    *Eisenhower has joined the game.*
    *paTTon has joined the game.*
    *Churchill has joined the game.*
    *benny-tow has joined the game.*
    *T0J0 has joined the game.*
    *Roosevelt has joined the game.*
    *Stalin has joined the game.*
    *deGaulle has joined the game.*
    Roosevelt: hey sup
    T0J0: y0
    Stalin: hi
    Churchill: hi
    Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
    paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
    T0JO: lol
    Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
    benny-tow: haha america sux
    Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
    Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
    Stalin: cool
    deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
    Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
    Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
    Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
    Roosevelt: get antiair guns
    Churchill: i cant afford them
    benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
    paTTon: stfu
    Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
    deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
    Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
    paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
    Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
    deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
    *deGaulle has left the game.*
    Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
    benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
    benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
    Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
    T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
    Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
    T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
    Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
    Hitler[AoE]: wtf
    Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
    Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
    Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
    Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
    T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
    Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
    Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
    Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
    benny-tow: haha
    benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
    T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
    Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
    Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
    Stalin: church help me
    Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
    Stalin: dont be an arss
    Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
    Eisenhower: LOL
    benny-tow: hahahh oh **** help
    Hitler: o man ur focked
    paTTon: oh what now biotch
    Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
    *benny-tow has been eliminated.*
    benny-tow: lame
    Roosevelt: gj patton
    paTTon: thnx
    Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my ****
    Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
    Eisenhower: Nuts!
    benny~tow: wtf that mean?
    Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
    paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
    Stalin: rofl
    T0J0: HAHAHHAA
    Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
    Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
    *Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
    benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
    Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
    Stalin: OMG LMAO!
    Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
    *Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
    paTTon: hahahhah
    T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
    benny~tow: shut up noob
    Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
    paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
    Eisenhower: yah me too
    T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
    Eisenhower: fock u
    paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
    Stalin: go to hell lol
    paTTon: fock this **** im goin afk
    Eisenhower: yah this is gay
    *Roosevelt has left the game.*
    Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
    Eisenhower: **** now we need some1 to join
    *tru_m4n has joined the game.*
    tru_m4n: hi all
    T0J0: hey
    Stalin: sup
    Churchill: hi
    tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
    tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
    Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
    tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
    Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
    T0J0: wtf is nukes?
    T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
    *T0J0 has been eliminated.*
    *The Allied team has won the game!*
    Eisenhower: awesome!
    Churchill: gg noobs no re
    T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
    *T0J0 has left the game.*
    *Eisenhower has left the game.*
    Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
    Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
    tru_m4n: l8r all
    benny~tow: bye
    Churchill: l8r
    Stalin: fock u all
    tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
    *tru_m4n has left the game.*
    benny~tow: lololol u commie
    Churchill: ROFL
    Churchill: bye commie
    *Churchill has left the game.*
    *benny~tow has left the game.*
    Stalin: i hate u all fags
    *Stalin has left the game.*
    paTTon: lol no1 is left
    paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
    *paTTon has been eliminated.*
    paTTon: o ****!
    *paTTon has left the game.*
     
    Last edited by a moderator: 22 Aug 2008
  6. Krikkit

    Krikkit All glory to the hypnotoad! Super Moderator

    Joined:
    21 Jan 2003
    Posts:
    23,588
    Likes Received:
    419
    Some good jokes here, apart from that last one... :p
     
  7. dom_

    dom_ --->

    Joined:
    4 Jan 2004
    Posts:
    3,942
    Likes Received:
    8
    Why don't they have any casion's in china?

    Because the dont like ti-bet (to bet... get it?)
     
  8. Woodstock

    Woodstock So Say We All

    Joined:
    10 Sep 2006
    Posts:
    1,783
    Likes Received:
    2
    my god theres some of worst groaners ever in this thread,
     
  9. Gooey_GUI

    Gooey_GUI Wanted: Red Shirts

    Joined:
    3 Dec 2002
    Posts:
    2,336
    Likes Received:
    39
    Once a year, three priests get together to confess their sins to one another. This had gone on for many years until one year a member of the trio died. Along came a new priest in town, and they all agreed to confess their sins to one another.

    Priest #1 - "I have a terrible gambling habit. I steal money from the candle box offerings and buy lotto tickets with it."

    Priest #2 - "When I travel away from town where people don't know me, I like to visit the red light district to find the whore houses."

    New Priest -
    "Me? Well as for me, I'm a terrible gossip and I can't wait to get out of here!"

    :hehe:

    :hehe:
     
  10. twentynine

    twentynine Can never win...

    Joined:
    6 Jun 2008
    Posts:
    206
    Likes Received:
    1
    I have two -

    What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? - Pull the pin and throw it back


    and


    A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother spread cold cream on her face.
    "Why are you rubbing that on your face Mommy?" he asked
    "To make myself beautiful," said his mother
    A few minutes later she began removing the cream with a tissue.
    "Whats the matter," asked the little boy, "giving up?"
     
  11. EmJay

    EmJay What's a Dremel?

    Joined:
    28 Jun 2007
    Posts:
    316
    Likes Received:
    0
    A pirate walks into a bar, with a ship's wheel stuffed down the front of his pants.

    The bartender asks him, "Isn't that uncomfortable?"

    And the pirate says, "Yarr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
     
  12. outlawaol

    outlawaol Geeked since 1982

    Joined:
    18 Jul 2007
    Posts:
    1,935
    Likes Received:
    65
    A guy walks into a gas station and asks for $1 in gas. The clerk farts and gives him a receipt. :D
     
  13. mvagusta

    mvagusta Did a skid that went for two weeks.

    Joined:
    24 Dec 2006
    Posts:
    4,639
    Likes Received:
    523
    So who's the guy in all those avatar's?
     
  14. Cptn-Inafinus

    Cptn-Inafinus Minimodder

    Joined:
    3 Mar 2007
    Posts:
    601
    Likes Received:
    12
    Why did the tree extend his business to the next town?

    Because he wanted to <i>branch</i> out!

    Bwharaharharhar
     
  15. julianmartin

    julianmartin resident cyborg.

    Joined:
    25 Jul 2004
    Posts:
    3,562
    Likes Received:
    126
    So and englishman, irishman and scotsman are on a sailing trip in a small boat around the pacific. Suddenly there is a big old squall and their little boat gets wrecked. They all manage to to climb on top of a piece of wreckage..and are floating in the sea for many days, surviving on not alot. After some time..a small island appears on the horizon, they all paddle frantically toward the shoreline, using all the energy they have.

    After several hours of hard work, they arive at the shoreline and stumble up the beach. After cheering and whooping that they were alive, they became aware of several tribal men surrounding them pointing spears at them. They stand still...wondering what to do, when a chief of the tribe comes out. He starts speaking some bizarre language, and the englishman pipes up "I'm sorry old chap but we're english!", while the irishman and scotsman thoroughly disagree with him, the chief starts talking to them in english:

    "You invaders! We have a rule, all invaders get 100 whips on the cross at the top of the hill! If you die, then you die, if not, you may live here peacefully!"

    The tribal men jump forward and grab the three companians, blindfold and tie them up, dragging them to the top of the hill...

    Upon their blindfolds being taken off, they find themselves tied each to a cross, with a tribal man with a whip standing behind them.

    "Stop!" Shouted the chief, "before you are whipped, you will be granted one wish. You first!" He pointed at the scotsman.

    "well I would like to have an orgy with many beautiful exotic women!" "then it shall be so!" shouted the chief, and many women emerged from the bushes to give him the best hour of his life. Then the scotsman was whipped to within an inch of his life, and left there to recover.

    "Now you!" said the chief while pointing at the irishman. The irishman, thinking he was clever, said while semi laughing "I wish for a mattress to be tied on my back!", and so the chief gave it to him. The tribesman then whipped him, and the irishman laughed all along as he got no pain at all!

    "Now you!" said the chief, pointing at the englishman. The englishman with a wry smile on his face said "Oh, I do think I'd like the irishman tied to my back..."


    Joke 2:

    There was an englishman, irishman and a scotsman working on a big high rise building.

    One day, sitting having lunch, the englishman said, "if I have ham sandwiches for lunch one more day, I'm sure as hell going to walk off this building and kill myself."

    The Scotsman then opening his lunchbox and said "If I have haggis sandwiches again for lunch one more time, I'm going to walk of this building to my death."

    The irishman then said "for christ's sake, if I have potato sandwiches again for lunch tomorrow, I'm gonna jump down there and kill meself"

    The next day came by, and sure enough, the englishman had ham sandwiches, and he jumped off the building. The scotsman looked at the irishman, opened his lunchbox and found haggis sandwiches. He took a long hard stare at the ground and then jumped. The irishman being last of all, opened his lunch box to find a baked potato between two slices of bread, and he got up and jumped to his doom.

    10 days on, the three men had a joint funeral. The three wives were standing round each other, and the wife of the englishman said, "oh god, if only I knew not to make him ham sandwiches, he wouldn't be dead!"

    The scotsmans wife joined in crying and said "if only I hadn't given him those haggies leftovers in a sandwich, he would still be alive!"

    Then the irishmans wife said "I don't know why ye **** are complaining, that ******* made his own ****ing sandwiches!"
     
  16. pranks7er

    pranks7er mange tout

    Joined:
    25 Dec 2002
    Posts:
    3,515
    Likes Received:
    0
    what do you call a snail on a boat?

    a snailor
     
  17. padrejones2001

    padrejones2001 Puppy Love

    Joined:
    17 Jun 2004
    Posts:
    1,434
    Likes Received:
    15
    So this guy has a tendency to forget he and his wife's anniversary every year. Eventually, his wife gets so angry and says, "Harold, if there isn't something in the driveway that goes 0-250 in less than 5 seconds by tomorrow morning, we're getting a divorce"
    The next morning, the wife goes down to the driveway and finds a little box. Eagerly, she unwraps and starts searching through the tissue paper inside. Finally, she rips the item from the box.



    It's a bathroom scale.
     
  18. Xtrafresh

    Xtrafresh It never hurts to help

    Joined:
    27 Dec 2007
    Posts:
    2,999
    Likes Received:
    100
    You are missing two pics mate :)
    [​IMG]
     
  19. Bauul

    Bauul Sir Bongaminge

    Joined:
    7 Apr 2007
    Posts:
    2,173
    Likes Received:
    38
    Two of my favourite, and thoroughly un PC, recent ones:


    1) How can you tell if your girlfriend is just too young for you?
    You have to make a train sound to get your cock into her mouth.



    2) Knock Knock
    Who's there?
    Not Maddie.


    I love the last one.
     
  20. UrbanMarine

    UrbanMarine Government Prostitute

    Joined:
    7 Aug 2008
    Posts:
    1,135
    Likes Received:
    19
    Baby seal walks into a club.
     

Share This Page