Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts? A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away. Q: Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair? A: If they dragged them by the feet they'd fill up with mud. Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A: A pimp.
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. The moral of this story is: Spoiler Always keep your condoms in your car.
Whats the difference between a pizza and a jew. Ones a baked good, the other is a minority which was persecuted in the second world war by facists.
Bit of a bad one this, but I lol'ed when i heard it: A priest and a rabbi are walking down a road. The priest notices a little boy walking in the opposite direction. The priest turns to the rabbi and says "lets **** him!" the rabbi stops for a moment, eyes the kid up and says "out of what?!"
I was watching countdown once and I got aroused. I was quite pleased actually as it's a seven letter word!
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not "bet his ass." We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say, "Eat me."
This is about the only scotsman englishman irishman joke i can tell well, it can go on for a good 10-15 minutes in the telling and took me ages to type... Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman have been caught in the desert by Osama and told upon their capture that they are to be killed one by one, by firing squad at dawn. Each is currently in his cell the night before awaiting the dreaded sunrise. Jock is sitting huddled in the corner of his cell, hands tied behind his back battered and bruised after the interrogation. From a small gap in the bricks a small mouse appears and approaches. Intrigued Jock sits very still and begins to talks softly to the mouse encouraging its boldness. All of a sudden the mouse looks Jock straight in the eye and says rather squeakily "The firing squad is good, they will not miss. However, one thing will have them running for safety. Each has an irrational fear of Natural disasters and alerting them of such will make them cower and run" The Scotsman not entirely certain he wasn't going crazy couldn't believe his ears. all the time the mouse staring him in the eye. At length the scotsman plucks up the courage to question the mouse and after a few squeaky replies decides that he's completely lost it but as there'll be nothing to lose he might as well give it a shot. And so, in turn the mouse visits the Englishman and the Irishman telling them of the firing squads' weakness and by the time the Irishman has come round its almost sun up. The scotsman hears the keys jangling as the door is unlocked. The guards grab him roughly and manhandle him out to the range and prepare him for the squad. Soon he's tied and ready and Osama begins the count "Ready!..." "Aim!..." The Scotsman shouts "TIDALWAVE!" and sure enough the firing squad and Osama all run away fearing for their lives. The Scotsman can't believe his luck at not only the firing squads cowardice but for a moment the complete lack of a tidal wave in the middle of the desert. All of a sudden the mouse pops out of a crevice and chews through the ropes setting him free. Off he runs and escapes living happily ever after. It takes the firing squad till midday to compose themselves and fetch the Englishman for his exectution but soon as the sun is high the firing squad are again taking aim "Ready!..." "Aim!..." "EARTHQUAKE!!!!" yells the Englishman Again the firing squad scarpers and out pops the mouse to free the Englishman to live happily ever after.. The sun is setting as the firing squad take aim on the final prisoner... "Ready!..." "Aim!..." Quick as a flash the Irishman yells Spoiler "FIRE!!!"
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. 'Yeah right!' she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties itcarefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed. Later that night, her husband returns home drunk frombeing out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, where he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't know where we were, or what we did .. but, by God, we took first and second place.'
There was once a couple who lived happily for 10 years. For 10 years, the husband forgot the couples anniversary, and the wife realized that no matter how much she hinted the event, her husband refused to pay any attention or care. The day before their 11th anniversary, she approaches her husband and says "You better not ruin our anniversary again. I want to see something in this driveway that goes from 0 to 250 in under 6 seconds, or else I'm leaving and taking everything." The next day, the wife walks outside to see a wrapped box at the end of the driveway. When she opened it she was shocked to find a scale. Bahaha
